At 9:00 Am this day, November 25, 2004, is a day that will forever be celebrated as the time when one of my crazier conspiracy theories was right. And thus, allow me to make a few statements before continuing:

I win, you lose
I'm right, you're wrong
I'm big you're small
I'm smart, you're dumb

Its official now, every conspiracy theory that I come up with is true. This includes:
John kerry was under the Bush payroll
The touchscreen machines were designed to change votes
Cheney is the real authority, not Bush
Anne Coulter is Dick Cheney in drag
Satan is dick Cheney in Drag
Both Bill O'reilly and sean hannity Lust after all three forms of Dick Cheney
So do both Clintons

What happened, you ask? Which of my crazy theories was reported as true recently, so as to drive me to the conclusion that I know all? Easy: Marxists guerrilas and extreme right-wing paramilitary groups in Colombia have allied in their drug-trading business. Since the guerrillas were created 40 years ago to overthrow Colombia's perpetually right leaning government, and since the paramilitary groups were created not much later with the single purpose of stoping the guerrillas, there is only one explanation: its all about money.
Uribe's partisan " we wont fight them because they agree with me" policies backfired, there is no political goal behind the guerrillas ations, they really dont want to overthrow the government, and the paras really dont want to keep it there. All they want is the money.

Meanwhile, Uribe is no longer the official "little bush" , but Tirofijo and other guerrila and paramilitary leaders are. They Pulled a Bush maneuver so large and efective to their own troops that it would give the entire republican party, their adherents nd their families a massive collective Boner, even if they're women.
By allying themselves with their political opposites, they have guranteed to get amass the $5-billion a year trade into the hands of only a few. Their troops are largely recruited on ideology which means that they have been lied to so thorougly that they are willing to work side-by side on no purpose but to get the coke money onto their boss's hands. Im not talking Democrat-republican differences here, even a communist-nazi rivalry would pale in comparison to their ideological differences. It would be more like a Capulet Vs. Montague times a million, and with a few jews thrown in.

So, to be repeated once more: Im right., always