Please forgive the awful pun :P. Anyway, I just poured my hatred onto Sony's Move in my last blog, so it's only fitting that I write one about how much I hate the Natal (you know, to be fair. I don't discriminate!). First, what the hell is a "Natal?" Accompanied by the Zune, they actually sound like weapons you'd hear about in a Star Trek episode. You know, it's as if these great companies who have all the money in the world to burn, but have absolutely no creativity to simply name a product, so they just go by whatever appears first on the random name generator.

Anyway, while I do see Natal succeeding a lot more than Sony's Move, even if only because knowing Microsoft, they'll force the thing on us. I see Fable 3 as the beginning of a very tragic thing to happen to our favorite games. Hopefully I won't see Gears of War 3 using Natal, or seriously, I will be pissed. Expect a lot of tacky minigames to be a majority of Natal games, a few core titles that would feel completely unecessary using it, and full on action games that will :o most likely make the player pine for the good ol' controller. Let's face it; the thing looks like a pain in the ass. I really don't want to look like an uncoordinated mime when I'm playing a videogame...being caught in my underwear holding onto a controller is embarassing enough. Can you imagine the horrors if you were to see me doing naked cartwheels across my room, and the reason is because I'm "playing a game using Natal!"

The technology itself is cool, I won't deny that. In an unexplainable inner-geek jumping for joy kind of way, it would be like those sensor devices you see on Sci-Fi movies. But those guys are doing something cool with the technology. Either they're conversing with a creepy holographic face that's talking about who it's going to kill, or controlling a kick ass mech that's destroying everything in sight. In Natal, I'm waving my right hand to make a turn in a first person shooter. I'm doing God knows what in Fable 3. Maybe the thing is so advanced, I can walk around and punch people in the crotch, and give a middle finger that will have a crowd reaction. You know, maybe it's not so bad. I'll take the thing with me in the bathroom, and the in-game citizens can watch me take a dump...only I'll position the camera in sync with someone's soup bowl. And that would be entertaining for...as long as a Wii game entertains me: five minutes.

You know what's even funnier than taking in-game dumps in a videogame? Milo. I hope to God that thing is just a rumor, or a scrapped project. Honestly, what the hell is someone my age going to do with a litle boy? Tell him sex jokes all day and laugh as he cringes? They better pray Milo never launches, because I will find a way to psychologically scar an artificial intelligence to the point of growing up to be a serial killer. I'll create Sid 6.7 all over again.

Anyway, Natal. God I am so sick of saying that name, I'm pissing myself off here. Saying Natal three times is like having kids in the car asking "are we there yet" for six hours straight on a lonely freeway. I don't want to "pretend" I'm playing a game using the device. I did that a long time ago when I was 5 years old. It's called imagination. At my current age, my imagination is used for things like writing and drawing. not playing a videogame, especially one where I'm throwing a handful of air at my TV and it shows I'm throwing a baseball.

Yes, in the future, we will have motion control. Forget virtual reality where you are in the game. Now, you ARE the game! Yes, motion controls are as terribly lame as that last sentence. I guess the part in the Matrix where when "you die in the virtual world, you die in real life" really spooked the future so much that they made it as idiot-proof as possible. Which i find a half-truth in that. No matter how harmless you can make something, someone will find a way to kill himself with it. And as such, motion controls were invented! Expect a lot of broken furniture and bruised shins after Natal launches. Also, don't be suprised to see the famous "Wii remote breaking TV" youtube videos replaced by Natal gamers kicking their expensive TVs "This is Sparta!" style. *sigh* The future looks bleak. I'll be picking my nose playing a videogame, and accidentally triggering the jump control off a platform.