Bus People

From sitting on the bus from work and back, you start to notice the different types of people on them.
I will now begin to explain the different type of people:

> The Token Old Person

* These are just the usual old person, these can be cl@ssfied into two cl@sses in their own right. Both are all slow and on a whole, smell of old people.
You get...

> The Moody "I am better than you" old person.

* Ok, here you are sitting on the bus near the back minding your own business, the bus is starting to get busier and this old person, just wanders up right past the usual "old people/infirm" seats and starts to stare and drool at you expecting you to move to let them sit down. If you do not move expect to endure moaning, sighing, and general incoherent mumblings.

** Best Advice: look out the window, pretend you dont see them, listen to music.

> The "I-am-friendly-and-I-am-going-to-talk-to-you-whether-you-like-it-or-not" old person.

* These are the ones who usually totter up the aisle of the bus then sit down beside you and when they sit down usually say: "ahh, there we go" followed swiftly by a laugh, while trying to catch your attention. They will smile at you, and if you make eye contact prepare to get a detailed description of every single thing they have done that day. Many references towards her cat "Tiddles" and the likes. Aswell as saying what a lovely day it is (or when it is raining) how bad the weather is.
These are the better sides of old people, however, just still annoying if you have a hangover.

** Best Advice: do NOT make eye contact, listen to music.

> The Buttzilla.

* These type of people are extremely dangerous. These people are extremely fat (usually women with rather large asses or huge sweaty balding men). They wait until the last possible moment to sit down beside you. To enhance this effect they wait til the bus is moving off and slam their gargantuan lard bucket onto the seat. You must beware as their asses are usually the ****of a small african nation and will crush all opposition, be it your thigh, ipod, bag etc.
If you were sitting beside someone, and that person get off the seat to get of the bus, this is when you must be at your most vigilant as you must try and shift your body weight so you have maximal body space on the seat. If you do not spread your weight effectively you will be crushed for the rest of the journey with nowhere to go. Sometimes these fat people will be thrown towards you such as if you are sitting on a seat facing the aisle, and the bus has to brake suddenly, I pity you if this happens.

** Best Advice: try to move away from these people, or pretend to get off and let them sit down first so you are on the outside seat rather than being stuck at the window seat. This will avoid any internal damage from being crushed, or broken bones from being sat on.

> The Hot Girl or Hot Guy.

* These are a rare sight on a bus to work, and guranteed to brighten up your day if you see them. These are the kind of people, where you are minding your own business and suddenly you see the most perfect person. This will cause your jaw to drop open. However, even though you make the empty space beside you look even more empty (to try and get them to sit beside you), they will never sit next to you. Not much to say on these people apart from "Oh My God" which is what you will say when you see them.

** Best Advice: dont shout "Oh My God" when you see them-they will give you a funny/disgusted look and walk away. If they sit beside you. Do not try to come on to them, you will be slapped, stomped on etc. Do NOT drool or stare-it is not the proper etiquette.

* The Mobile Phone-ahh where would we be without it? Well heres a brief description of why some people should have their one taken off when and severely beaten to death with their phone and impaled in ther head with the aerial.

> The Business Type.

* Perhaps one of the more irritating people on the bus. This is the type of person who wears a suit with a briefcase, and a mobile phone. This person will talk excessively loud on the phone, they are usually highly obnoxious and will irritate the **** out of you. He will talk so loud that everyone on the bus will hear him. In the worst possible case, this person will sit next to you, too busy talking **** on his phone to his secretary, to realise he was just crushed your foot while sitting down beside you. He will continue to reduce your foot into a tiny broken pulp unless you move your foot, yell out in pain or he gets off the bus-whatever comes first.

** Best Advice: buy earplugs. Keep feet away from "the crushing zone". Anywhere between you and the possible person from sitting is "the crushing zone" Listen to music.

> The "Oh my god no way" Type.

* This is someone on the phone usually female, with a particularly loud or ear drum burstingly screechy voice. She will talk to her friend on the other end of their phone about something the girl who thinks she is "it" has done. Constantly followed up by "Oh my god, No Way!", "Really?" and other very annoying sentences multiplied by 10 repetitions a minute. These girls, though some are very nice looking, must be shot on sight.

** Best Advice: hard to avoid these people, as their voices will drown out all music even at high volumes.

> The "I have a good ringtone" Type

* These are the most irritating mobile phone users. These people tend to get calls on their mobile, usually when they are with friends, and because they have a "good" ringtone they will let it play for an execessively long time. On answering the phone, they will, more often than not turn into the "Oh my god no way" types. On other occasions they will even get their friends to phone them to allow them to hear the ringtone again. These people again must be shot on sight.
There is a half breed of these people, usually compulsive texters, people who will come onto the bus texing 20 friends, so when they are sitting on the bus will get 20 replies back. They will usually have an ear damaging loud "beep beep" text tone and they will get one text per 10 seconds. Sometimes, if the bus journey goes through a part of town with no mobile phone reception. You will be treated to a moment of clarity, where those people will not receive any texts. This will, however, be ruined as soon as they get their reception comes back and you will be blasted by thousands of "beep beep" noises.

** Best Advice: sit far, far away from these people, preferably downstairs from them with earphones in listening to music.

> The Screaming Kid

* These are the very annoying small people who come onto the bus with their mum or dads in a perfectly happy mood, until they get bored. These kids will then proceed to scream very loudly, crying and whining until they get dragged off the bus by their parents.

** Best Advice: nothing much can be done about these whining little ****s, as their voices will cause permanent brain damage if they get into full swing. You must scope them out before they start, and let them have an intimate introduction to the back of your hand.

* One thing people dont understand when getting on buses, is that oh my god, buses move, and the drivers wont wait for every single person to sit down. If you watch some people get on the bus, they will get on, pay their fare and casually walk down the aisle without holding on to any of the poles. Nope, they will walk straight down and they will be thrown to the back of the bus, when the bus pulls off. Usually then , they try to grab onto something, but it usually ends up them crushing the person already sitting in a seat or battering someone in a mad attempt to grab onto the seat to save themselves from falling. The prime example is when an old person gets on the bus. The get on (for free) and then very slowly totter away to their seats. But instead of actually going to the first empty seat they try to walk as far as possible to the back of the bus to sit down. Here I am sitting on my seat, when all I see is this old person slowly shuffling up the aisle, I am praying they dont want to sit beside me, because as soon as the bus pulls away they'll end up in a pile of broken hips and groceries.

Thanks for reading.