Ok, so I have been gone an awfully long time.  I will be the first to admit that.  And while I have tried to get my but back here to the forums, I have to admit that it was not very hard.  Mostly it was a case of "I will think about thinking about going back"

Yes, I am a procrastinator.

But then something happens that shakes your view of the order of the universe.  You realize there is important, and then there is Important.  Family and friends fall into that second category.

I am a man of many words.  It is not so much that I enjoy hearing myself speak (I know written word and all) it is just that I enjoy the power that these words give.  They have the ability to express our innermost thoughts and convey new ideas.  They have a marked inability to accurately convey emotion.

A poet attempts to wrestle words into emotive phrases.  He takes our collective understanding of the feel of a word, and uses that word to make us feel something.

Take for example the words Bright and Garish.  Both have similar meanings, but completely different feels.

But I digress.  I digress because I am faced with a situation that I am truly incapable of dealing with.

It is not the possiblility of death that I can not handle.  Death has been a constant companion, shall we say.  As someone who has been cursed, at times like these, with a too perfect memory, I remember the loss of many relatives.  That is something I can handle.  Possibly due to my belief that this world is not the end, possibly due to something else.  I don't really know myself.  It is just that death, even sudden death, has never bothered me.

What bothers me is the inbetween.  That state that exists that is not living, except in the clinical sense, and is not death either.  Life exists to be taken advantage of.  We go out and, to greater or lesser degree, experience what life has to throw at us.

But there are things that laught in the face of life.  Disease, severe injury.  These things I hate.

I guess it is that simple.  I hate the things that cause pain.  I hate pain.

I don't know that I have a point.

I have rambled enough.

Don't know what else to say.

I just hope that sometime soon, BB can yell at me for my stupidity.

Get well,  BB.

You are missed.

Ok, so I have now finished my first two days of 12 hour shifts. Just two more and I get a weekend. I have to say that it is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was given some fairly big leeway for what I do after 5pm, so it is actually a lot like being at home. Get to watch my shows (on the computer of course). Get to spend time with my Wife (she comes in, we moved her computer here for the week) We will see how things shape up for the future, but for now, at least I will be able to see the shows that I come here for :)

Ok, so, because I am currently the only one answering the phones at my place of business (receptionist/tech geek/sales guy/billing person all in one) and we have decided to open them up 12 hours a day on weekdays (luckily I still have my weekends). This means that over the comming week, I am going to be actually working from 9am to 9pm. Now, since this is something I basically volunteered for, I have only myself to blame. But it does make me wonder: When is enough REALLY enough? I mean, I have a really sweet gig here. I am actually typing this blog while here at work. Another 4 hours a day (was already working 8 hours straight) is not much, but that puts me here at work (while not nescesarily working) from 7am to 9pm or 14 hours. So, 2 hours doing whatever, and then 12 hours tied to the phone. 40 minutes a day in travel time. 8 hours a night of sleep (I hope, insomniac remeber :) ) and that brings the total time of my life that is used up to 23 hours. That means I get 1 hour a day that is not used up completely. So have I gone just too far? I don't THINK so, but of course, I am on the inside looking out. Well, whatever the case is, here is to the first in a series of very long days. At least I still get paid overtime :)

Two things actually impinged themselves upon an otherwise normal weekend. Well, more than that actually, since this weekend was nothing like normal, but two things I would like to post about. The first was that I watched Supernatural for the first time this weekend. Well, I have to say, that although it is well made, I dislike it. My main problem with it is, that I have led a really strange life. I have had the unfortunate experience to actually deal with the aftermaths of what the people truly believed to be demonic possession. I have dealt with evil spirits, both non-corporeal, and those who make wrong descisions and choose the path of evil. I have lost any and all real enjoyment I could possibly have of this type of entertainment. I find it belittling to the people who have had real problems to show it in this way. Now, am I sure without a doubt that these sorts of things happen, or might happen? No. But I have known those who are sure that they have had "an experience" and am not willing to discount their telling as a fabrication. Especially since I have never caught them in a lie about anything significant. End result: Sure, some people may like the show, and it is well made, but it is not for me. (incidentally, my wife really likes it) Second, I picked up a copy of Kingdom Hearts II. It is very rarely that I will pick up a game, even more a sequel, and find nothing to nit-pick. Kingdom Hearts II is one of those very rare games. They took all of the problems with the first game, the little quirks, and erased them. Then they added more things to the game, and they are almost perfect as well. In fact they took something very near to perfection (the Gummy Ship construction) and made it better in ways I did not even conceive when playing the first game. In all, this is a game that tops my list (currently of course) as the best game of all time. That is saying something, since I played the first game more than any other game I have owned (except for an MMO :) ) clocking in more than 300 hours of play. It used to be the most well constructed (and therefore the best) game in my opinion. This one just takes it to the next level. If you play RPG games, this is a must have. If you enjoy the works of the Walt Disney company, then this is a must have. If you enjoy the works of Square Soft, then this is a must have. So, getting back to the regular (more regular?) portions of my weekend, I had my daughter with me. Always fun. She is a very active little girl. She is, to put it simply, a girl. She loves dresses and getting all dolled up (hair and everything) and racecars and trains and playing outside, and running, and dolls, and painting, and so on. Thank goodness she is only 6. Don't think I will be able to keep up with her when she is 16. Well, that is enough for today, especially since I am sure that I have taken up more than enough room with my interest in a subject some would say is childish :) Peace out.

Ok, So, yesterday I had a somewhat depressed air to me. It is not so much that I am depressed, but more that I am just tired. I am ready for the weekend, but it is only thursday. Oh well. I guess I am just going to have to keep moving for two more days. :) I am a bit of an optimist, it is just I tend to say what I don't want to happen so that it tempers my dissapointment if/when it does not happen the way I want it too. Wow, write for three days in a row, and suddenly you find you have nothing to say. Not that I have nothing to say, it is just that I do not know WHAT to say. I am going to end it now, before I get REALLY lame :)

Ok, this will not be about my thoughts on normalcy. Too much of that is actually not fit for common consumtion. More because it relies upon an understanding of how statistics can be hillarious, but anyway. So, I sit here at work, wanting nothing more than to be at home, and doing anything else. It is not that I have an aversion to work. No, I have an aversion to boredom. I hate being bored. I hate sitting around doing nothing. Writting about nothing is more enjoyable. Not that I ever actually DO nothing. I always seem to have something to do. It is just that at work, there is nothing I really WANT to do, and therrefore, when there are things that I can put off forever, then that is what I do. Why? Because right now I am not only working two jobs, but I am covering the responsibilities of four people. To say the least I am a bit burnt out right now. Now, if only my investors would respond to my phone calls so I could move forward with my computer game. Not that I am not working on it now. I am just feeling that after two years of working on it, it is time to move to the next step. So, welcome to normalcy. Dr. Seuss said it best when he wrote "Oh, the places you'll go". Read it. You already live it.

And today that is a litteral statement, rather than a figurative one. I will likely ramble more than usual in this today, as I actually went to bed at 5:42am, and had to be up for my ride to work at 6:30. I was kind of late even for my ride (did not actually get up til 7) I am clean and sober. I never drink or do drugs. And days like today are part of the reason why: Who needs drugs when you can feel drugged just due to a lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation baby. I am a chronic insomniac. I have had insomnia for almost as long as I can remember. Which is to say I can remember being two years old, and my first memory of insomnia is of when I was 5. Notice I said that I would be rambling. I am. I know I am. And I can not give any real reason why. Oh, yes, insomnia. So, last night. I did not get to sleep until 5:42am. I got tired of trying to sleep around 1 am. I got up. Watched some shows. Next thing I know it is after 5:30. And I am really tired, and go to lie down. Do you think I actually sleep at this point? Nope. I did not actually fall aslep til after 6 :(. I am really tired, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I must work for 8 hours and then, hopefully, I will be able to slip into the sweet surrender of sleep.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Sometimes it seems like the opposite is more true. The more they stay the same, the more they change. From one moment to the next, I never seem to know how my life is going to alter. Sure, I am still in the same job I was last year (thankfully) but even so, the nature of my responsibilities continue to change. And if that wasn't enough, things are heating up for me in my game company. Did I mention that I own a computer game company? Ok, so maybe I mention it way too often. But I am proud of the fact that I can say it. It is something I have been working on for a number of years now. (In fact, I first got into computer programming to do games, and I have been doing this for about 18 years now) And if I seem to wander from one topic to another in the printed work, you should try talking to me. So. This weekend I watched Veronica Mars for the first time, and by watched I mean that I watched the entire first season. It is one of the more interesting shows I have seen in a while. A nice rollercoaster ride from beginning to end. I had my eye on a murderer from the beginning, and I have to say I was happy I was wrong. I have always been a fan of Sherlock Holmes, and Veronica Mars is essentially Sherlock Holms in pig tails. Very nice show. So, I am going to bring my first blog to an end with a quote from an interesting Aerosmith song: "remember . . . the light at the end of the tunnel might be you. Good night."