Right now it is 4:17AM. Usually, at this time of the night, or should I say morning, I more than ever am able to sleep..sometimes. Now though, as often is, I am not. In this moment of what we could call insomnia that I am experiencing, I decided to write a blog. I still don't know about what exactly. Perhaps dive a bit into the insomnia from my point of view, point of view from a long time, experienced, insomnia companion.

Meeting insomnia again for me is like meeting a good ol' pal from back in the days, or a school buddy from way back then. You know him/her, you spent quite a part of your life with him/her, but when you meet again after a while you only know so little about what to actually do. What do we do? I don't know. You're alright, I'm alright, but what do we do next? You don't know. It's just some sort of cold moment where nothing happens and then a goodbye introduces itself after a big 2 minutes of "Hey, it's been a while". The difference is that you will meet insomnia much, much more often than such an old pal.

I'm feeling tired, yet the sleep doesn't come. The eyes stays shut, but the mind remains overly active. Stuff goes through your head. Stuff you don't really want to remember, stuff you don't want to think about, and they only help to keep your mind overly active as you fight against staying awake. You start having strange thoughts that you normally don't have throughout a occasional day. Of course, we experience strange thoughts often throughout a day, but these aren't any typical strange thoughts. More obscure, deeper, strange thoughts of the past.

What's so special with insomnia? You can't sleep; you can't sleep. End of the line. That's what, people who experience insomnia frequently in their lives, would like it to be. Yet, it isn't. Many things resurfaces in your brain. Past experiences and for some reason they only appear a thousand times harder to take. Simple happenings change into life-decisive phenomenons. Why did this happen? Why didn't I do it this way? Why did you do that? How come everything had to come to this end? Why do I have to go through this tomorrow? What will happen? Endless questions. Only the bad end of things seems to resurface in such a state. Where did the positive, enjoying experiments of life went? Oh, they are still there, but unfortunately, they aren't friends with my insomnia.

Maybe it is only my genre of insomnia who acts like this. It's always been the same, everynight that it pays me a visit. Fortunately though, it occurs less frequently than it used to. Everyone with it experience it differently. For some, overwhelming events keeps them from sleeping. Others might simply be too paranoid. I feel as if insomnia presents itself under a form which is against your morals. I live in the present, or try to. The past is the past, the future will be what it will be. Today is the day. Therefore, the present is a step above and is what I must follow. Insomnia presents itself under the form of past and future for me. Hence why I believe it takes the appropriate form which goes against your morals. Never give up, be persistent, and insomnia will present itself as a failure, with no second-chance, with an abrupt stop to your hopes and beliefs. The same applies if you never go to the end of things, always give up, insomnia will present itself in the form of "What if I gave it my all?". All manners to keep your mind overly active, seeking for an answer, pondering on the events.

That, my friend, is the insomnia that has been haunting me for years.