"'Manos': The Hands of Fate." This truly is a great little gem of a film. You movie buffs already know about it, but for anyone else not in the know, this 1966 film is probably the worst movie ever captured on celluloid. It is to movies what Big Rigs is to games. I viewed it for the first (and probably not the last) time last night, and it totally lives up to the hype. From acting, lighting, sound, cinematography, editing, and production values, this movie manages to do everything wrong. It's too easy to poke fun at this film, so I'm not going to. But, I highly recommend watching it at least once. And when you do, view it as a comedy rather than the horror film that it tries to be. It will be funnier. So go ahead and pick this one up. You can find it for about $4 in the bargain DVD bin at your local Wal-Mart.

Apparently these things have been around for a while, but the first time I've seen one was today at work. It's a leash for children. It wraps around a kid's torso and whoever is holding it can adjust the slack, like a dog leash. Nothing pisses me off more than a kid having too much freedom or being able to run around uncontrollably, so I think these things are perfect. In fact, I think I'm going to lobby down at the state capitol for a law that enforces all individuals under the age of 15 to wear one when out in public spaces.

Nutrition is for dumbasses. Living a life that involves counting calories and worrying over the trans fat content of foods is almost as bad as leading a life of celibacy. That's right. Depriving yourself of awesome foods like doughnuts, red meat, Airheads, and Burger King is almost as bad as depriving yourself of sex, because eating is one of man's most pleasurable experiences. The most common arguments that I hear defending a healthy lifestyle are 1) you can have a longer, more fulfilling life and 2) you will be more physically attractive and desirable. First of all, yes, you may live a few years longer if you eat nutritiously for your entire life. But really, if I had the choice to live to be 70, eat whatever the hell I want, and die of a heart attack OR live to be 80, eat fruits, vegetables, and tofu, and die of old age, I would choose the former. It's a no-brainer. Besides, who wants to live an extra 10 years as an old fart, anyways. Second, who cares if people find you more physically attractive? Anybody worth having a relationship with isn't going to be with you because you look good. In fact, by being fat (or pudgy), you really don't have to worry about somebody liking you just because you are "hot" or have a nice body. Only the individuals who are genuinely attracted to you will seek you, not the shallow retards looking for carnal pleasure. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't condone morbid obesity. But living a physically fit lifestyle and eating healthy is ultimately pointless. You will die, one way or another. You may even get hit by a car during your morning jog after you drink your daily protein shake. You only have one lifetime. Eat it to the fullest. Remember that the next time you are deciding whether to reach for the Krispy Kremes or the carrot sticks.

Every now and again, when I discuss music with others, this happens. I mention that I am a fan of the band Deftones, and the inevitable questions are asked. "Do you like Korn, too?" "What about Limp Bizkit?" "Have you heard the new Puddle of Mudd album?" I politely tell them no, while in my mind I am kicking them in the jazz. So, let's get one thing straight. Deftones is not nu-metal. Chino Moreno doesn't rap in his songs. He doesn't whine about his childhood in every song (a la Jonathan Davis). He doesn't name his albums after an anus and a certain bodily fluid. Listen to Deftones' "White Pony" and then compare it to the sonic turd that is "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water." "White Pony"'s subject matter includes a hot Brazilian chick torturing guys on a TV show and electrocuting a girl in a bath tub. Badass. Musically, you can hear the influences of The Cure and Depeche Mode, but the band never loses its own sound. There is no DJ scratching on the turntables. There is no rap-rock. The album is beautiful. Now consider "Chocolate Starfish." Durst, who has been referred to as the worst leading man in rock today (a statement with which I am inclined to agree), named his album after a butthole. Wow. Not only is it not creative, it isn't funny or edgy. The only song off of this album that I have heard is "Rollin'." However, I am willing to assume that if a "song" such as this is on an album referring to a bodily orfice, everything else has to be just as bad, if not worse. So, there you have it, folks. Two albums, two bands. One is one of the best albums in recent history, from one of the best bands today. The other is a complete aural abortion, from one of the worst bands in the history of music. Unfortunately, these bands are often dumped into the same genre and mentioned in the same conversations, although they obviously shouldn't be. So please, do me a favor and respect Deftones. Because the next person who asks me if I picked up Slipknot's latest is going to get my fist in his throat.