Where the hell did that nickname come from and why are so many tourists using it? It gets on my nerves so damn much.

This evening, I encountered the absolute dumbest tourist on the planet. He was looking for the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree ... in Times Square :|. He was all like, "Teehee, this is my first time in the ... BIG APPLE!" I ended up giving him directions that would eventually lead him way uptown. I hope he got shot.

When I make a to-do list, I always add a few easy things or activities I've already done so that I can cross them off right away and feel like I've accomplished something. It really helps my self-esteem. I'll make a list of stuff I have to do, then at the end stick easy things on it, like:

[] Renew driver's license
[] Send thank-you cards for last Christmas
[] Pass Algebra 2 Honors
[x] Put on deoderant
[x] Jerk off all over

Hell, that's like 40%! I'd call it a day. Wouldn't you? When I get a few things accomplished off my to-do list, I feel a lot better about myself. Not today. Today sucked. I was driving down the street and I got in a wreck with a Jetta. It was a nervous wreck, but that's close to the real thing. Then it occured to me that I want to be a Legoman.

I went hunting in New Hampshire last weekend, but it wasn't a real hunting experience because we hunted from right in the car. It's good that we used my friends truck because if we went hunting in my car, the front would be all dented and ruined. ****in' deer.

Why doesn't anybody like Christmas?
Nobody likes Christmas because they get wrapped up in the stress of buying gifts, seeing annoying lights, and listening to the music. However, it really isn’t about that. Christmas actually has its own meaning and purpose, and we’re losing the true virtue and joy of Christmas, which is getting drunk.

How can I have a better Christmas?
To have a more spiritual holiday season, every time you go out, think to yourself, "Would Jesus approve of what I am doing?" For stoners, this is a given because we all know Jesus was toked up. So remember, you're always safe with that.

Why do we decorate trees?
I have no idea, but I do know that Jesus would not be very happy about that. Our Savior was a hippie, and there is just no way he would approve if millions of trees were cut down each year to be mocked for a few weeks and then thrown away. Decorating them is like saying, "Hey tree, you’re not pretty enough in your natural state. The brilliant craftsmanship of nature has failed you. Here's some tinsel." It's the same as telling a girl she needs makeup. Trees don't even look good in a house; it's not where they belong. I don't see animals sticking furniture out in the wild and throwing lights and ornaments around it.

Where did the idea of giving presents come from?
Jesus came home one day to find everybody partied out and depressed about winter. He started divvying out his drugs into small baggies and giving them to his friends in hope that it would cheer them up. To prevent God from seeing his son dealing, Jesus put paper around the baggies to hide the contents. That’s where wrapping presents comes from.

Important tip: Make sure to let people know what gifts you want or else they'll get you a spatula. If you just so happen to want a spatula, then you have it easy ... don't say anything.

What are you doing for Christmas (because everything revolves around me)?
Both sides of my whole family are gathering at my grandparents' house in Brooklyn. It's always a real pain in the ass. Family get-togethers are such a strange phenomenon: not a single person wants to be there, yet they’re all there. It’s incredible. My relatives are all right though, but there's always the ever-cliched event of everyone telling you how big you've grown.

So remember what I said: smoke trees and don't decorate them, and have a holly jolly Christmas.

My friends hate me because I'm stupid. They always have to rub in how smart they are, but instead of making me think they're smart, it just makes me feel more stupid. They use big, $6 words and make up overly thought out responses to everything I say. I'll mumble, "Man it's cold out." They'll yap back, "Actually, according to the laws of thermal dynamics, space-time fluctuates relative to the magnitude of heat radiation, therefore it is not actually cold." Seriously, who the hell cares? Knowing the physics of whatever-the-hell-I-just-said will not make my fingers any less numb.

I'm by far the dumbest kid out of all my peers. We hang out at a restaurant and while they talk about crazy philosophical nonsense, I doodle on a napkin and play with myself under the table. Every once in a while I say something out of boredom, but they're quick to tell how stupid I am and that I should shut up. I never understood why people want to be smart. All I need out of life is sex, drugs, and Photoshop.

This morning it was like 25 degrees and tragically I had to go to school. I wasn't in the mood to shovel my car out of a polar ice cap, so I walked all the way to school. After drudging in, the first thing I did was brush off the snow from my jacket into a my friend's face. He pretended nothing happened which was fortunate, for him. My lips were blue and lifeless so I banged my chin on the soda machine a few times until I regained enough feeling in my lips.

Every day I meet at least ten morons who try to impress me with how intelligent they are. They don't even take the time to realize that I'm a dumbass and wouldn't know a smart person from a clinical retard Instead of having a normal conversation, they have to enlighten me with dumb tidbits of useless knowledge and big words that I don't even know. I was getting high with a kid once and every time it was his hit, he sat and held the lit pipe while stating dumb common sense factoids like, "Did you know that THC stands for tetrahydrocannabinol?" I just shrugged and tried to ignore it but the kid kept going, "Yeah, and weed is actually legal if you have glechoma, and did you know that nobody has ever died from it?" Finally I shoved my lighter in his face and said, "Look smartass, if you don't shut up and take a hit, I'm going to hollow out your skull and make a bong out of your head."

It would be awesome to smoke pot out of a human skull. I bet crazy voodoo bastards already do this kind of thing in Haiti and whatnot. I know a pirate would accept nothing less. Think about it - if the idea were ever Americanized, cranium bongs would give a totally new meaning to the word "head shop."

I keep getting off the goddamn subject. Here's the deal - if you need to spend all your time and energy convincing people that you're smart, you aren't. The real intelligent people are the ones that don't give a dam about what people think. They don't sit around all day bragging about what they know and what you don't. Instead, they live life and have fun without giving half of a thought about their meaningless IQ or SAT test scores.

One dirt dumb druggie gave me a long spiel about how he had a higher IQ than most of the straight-edge jocks with good grades. At first I didn't judge him as a complete liar because I liked the idea of a child prodigy that's so far above everyone that they resort to drugs. When he stopped talking, I asked, "So, what's your IQ?" He replied, "The last test I took, it was around 180." Yeah sure, whatever you say. I think my bullcrap detector blew a fuse on that one. At this point in the conversation, I turned around 180 and walked away.

There are some people who know that they aren't fooling anyone with their lies, so instead of boosting their own ego, they blabber on with achievements of their friends and family. They tell me, "My friends dad's uncle gets to hang out with the Wu-Tang Clan!" Yeah, so what? My friends get to hang out with GaMeRuInEr. You got nothing.

Liars are so full of crap and don't even realize that everyone sees through them. Just accept that everybody is stupid, only some are less stupid than others. In the end, we all don't know jack and always will. I see no need in learning anything besides how to have fun. Maybe that will change when I'm older, but hey, I'm not older yet, so all you "smart" asswipes can back the hell off.

Some people take the time to PM me and let me know how contrived my writing is. I disagree. And to prove it, I'm going to make an update that's actually contrived so that they have something to compare the others to and realize how wrong the haters are.

So ... anyway ... what's up?

I know a guy who works for Microsoft. When he spells a word wrong, he grows a squiggly red goatee.

The other day I was using Hotmail. It got so hot that it started on Firefox.

I noticed the clock on my computer was slow, so I installed Quicktime. But my gangsta friend said to uninstall it and keep it Real Playa.

Jewish peopke are greedy.

French people smell bad.

Koreans are good at Starcraft.

Nobody REALLY likes racoons.

What the hell does contrived mean?

Screw hippies, screw trendy music, generic anger, I hate romantic comedies and emo music and sex is gay unless it's with a girl. I hope you bleed and die. The end.

Take her to a really romantic setting in the woods in late evening. Pull a candle out and some wine. Light the candle next to a log and sit down near a pretty flowing creek with fur trees and the fresh smell of fallen pine needles. Smile and look her in the eyes and ask her if she's cold. Girls love it when you're romantic and caring like that. So she'll probably say yes. If she says yes, put your arm around her and everything is cute and cuddly and blissful. However, if she says no, grab a tree trunk and knock her into the icy creek. Let her float down the current a little then pull her out by her hair and ask, "How about now?" And she'll probably say yes. Of course she'll say yes. Girls are very predictable like that. Then offer her your jacket and tell her you're only giving it to her to silence the annoying teeth chatter. If she gets hissy, push her back in the creek and hold her head under. When she starts to kick and scream for air, pull her out by her boobs, rip her shoes off, put your face right up to her toes and say with passionate embrace, "I love you."

I don't mean to be disrespectful to women or make fun of them. I really don't. This is just my way of expressing my emotions. You might buy flowers for someone or make them dinner. I pin them down and flap their arm fat in front of everyone while I make funny sound effects and call them gristle-boobs. We all have our ways of showing affection so stop judging me.

Like the other day there was a girl with pig tails. I never had the opportunity to pull pig tails when I was young and I wanted to see what it felt like. I crept up behind her and pulled one as hard as I could and she farted like a savage. It was beastly. It sounded like a fog horn breaking the dead silence of a post-apocolyptic twilight. It was so powerful, the wind rustled my pubic hair through my pants. I thought I left my blow-drier on inside my pants. Blow-driers don't smell like fermented tapioca pudding. I had to bathe in tomato sauce for eight hours to get the stank off my pelvis.

I was pretty nervous when I voted, but a huge wave of relief washed over me when I saw that it was multiple-choice. Those written answer problems are a pain in the ass. I probably failed anyway because I didn't study at all. I was trying the theory that getting drunk before you make important decisions will improve the outcome. It has worked for Bush the past half decade so why not? I was so drunk that I didn't get the check marks anywhere near the boxes and the entire ballot was written in Russian. Probably because of all that Vodka I downed beforehand. Then I got frustrated and started poll vaulting all over the gymnasium. It was like Chris Farley in Black Sheep only there were no old ladies to splinter in the face.

What about the poor souls playing Doom 3 with a 64MB graphics card? Doesn't anyone care about them? No. These technologically-deprived youth are struggling as they play first-person shooters at ten frames per second and multiplayer latencies exceeding half a second. That's right, half a second! How can any person win with that kind of disadvantage? They can't, so they lose over and over again! By ignoring this issue, the government is creating an entire generation of losers. This country really is messed up.

I went trick-or-treating last night because all of my friends made me. Going house to house, all I got was some generic candy and a religious comic strip. The best thing I got was the comic strip; everything else was just a bunch of processed sugar. At least the comic had some flavor to it.

I don't understand. If you want food, just go to the store and buy some. Why spend $20 on a used Santa Claus costume and wander around for three hours in ten-degree weather to collect $5 worth of candy? It doesn't make any sense. Halloween is stupid.

One thing that really got to me was when the people handing out treats would stand there with a bowl with half-crappy and half-decent candy. Without letting me pick, they just grab one and give it to me. What the hell? I wanted a Butterfinger, not a Jolly Rancher. What a pompous, controlling, disgruntled asswipe on a power trip. Man, that pissed me off all over the place.

I remember trick-or-treating with my mom years ago. We went up to a house and I saw a bunch of wine through the window. I was like, "Nice, this guy's gonna hook me up." So he comes to the door and hands me a Tootsie Roll. I was so angry that I burned his house down. That kind of teasing little kids with alcohol will not be tolerated and from now on and I'm handing out crank and LSD to trick-or-treaters. I hope you follow in my foosteps and at least give kids some perscription sedatives instead of Dum-Dums and Tootsie Rolls.

1. Win the Nobel Peace Prize (so I can scrog hot librarians).

2. Win a gold medal in the Olympics (so I can scrog hot gymnasts).

3. End world hunger (so Ethiopian hotties will live long enough to reach puberty and I can scrog them).

4. Swim the Long Island Sound (so I can get buff and chicks will want to scrog me).

5. Save the rainforests (so I can scrog hot native tribal princesses).

6. Form a kickass band (so I can scrog hot groupies).

7. Scrog a girl (so I can get better at scrogging girls and scrog more girls).

8. Get married (so that when I'm too old to scrog girls, I can still scrog a girl).

9. Have kids (because eighteen years of pain is worth that one night of no protection).

See? It's ridiculous. I know every other hereterosexual guy out there feels the exact same way. They read this and think "Yeah, that's sad but true." Girls read this and think "Wow, I better act offended because I know he's right and I don't want to be faced with the awful truth because I'm a girl and I have a very hard time accepting the truth when I would rather it were a lie." Females get pissed at guys who say this kind of thing because they want it to be a lie. They say we degrade women. We're not degrading women, we're telling the truth. That's like saying, "Rocks are heavy" is degrading rocks. That is the truth.

The female fantasy consists of a man who loves them. It will never happen. Men don't love you, they love the sex you and your friends provide. Need proof? Go get married and the second you get to your honeymoon suite, tell the man that you've vowed a life of celebacy. He'll spend a few hours trying to convince you to change your ways, but when it appears futile, he'll divorce you that night and say it was because the kids are too much of a responsibility. What kids? You don't even have kids yet. Shut up. Men ... want ... sex. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Break through that barrier of estrogen and get it through your cute little skulls.

Everyone knows that gas prices are outrageous, not because of American oil corporations, but because of the OPEC. Gas is expensive because it's foreign. If the United States had as much gas underneath it as Saudi Arabia, we could sustain our greedy car-loving lifestyles without any Yemenese nabbing their little curry hands at the cash register. I waited a few years for the government to figure this out and fix it themselves. Didn't happen. So once again I call upon myself to find the answer:

If each week everybody in the US purchases one gallon of gas and dumps it into the ground, then after several years, we will have enough gas in our soil that we'll never need to purchase another drop from greedy foreign terrorists.

You can start right now. Drive down to the gas station and fill up your tank. Then pull out a red gas container, top it off, and dump it out onto the ground in front of you. If you don't have a container, you can spray it onto the pavement. If it makes you self-conscious, put the nozzle down your pants and hold the handle down. People will think you pissed yourself and you won't be embarassed by the spilling gasoline.

Don't worry about getting it into dirt. It will find a way to the soil and, over time, connect with other dumping sites and create a nice resevoir of oil beneath the surface of our country. Like in Ghostbusters 2 when all the ectoplasmic slime collects under the city.

After several years of gas being dumped into the dirt, we will cut our trading ties with the Middle East as we begin drilling these reserves and distributing the barrels. No more Saudi oil, no more OPEC, and no more paying $2 for a molotov cocktail. I think it's ironic how, given all alcoholic cocktails, a molotov is still the cheapest. Plus you don't have to tip because now the waitress has a burnt up charred face and ugly girls don't deserve tips.

Dump gas. A gallon a week. It's the only way.

A tutorial by GaMeRuInEr.

In a democratic society, debate is extremely important. Sadly, most people don't know how to make valid arguments and defend them properly. They initiate debates and fumble around with words and vague statements, all backed up by a poorly-constructed thesis. Here is a tutorial on arguing logically, making good points, and defending your arguments.

A. Debate - a formal discussion involving one or more people who develop arguments and logically defend their points to prove their position true.

Example:

"Van Halen gives the best live performance ever."
"No they don't."
"Yeah they do, you stupid idiot."

B. Hypothesis - stance on a topic which the debate focuses around.

Example: "America's government blows ass."

C. Thesis - logical comparative clause that supports the hypothesis.

Example: "God exists because it says so in the bible, you moron. You're going to hell."

D. Argument - something you say to piss your opponent off and move the topic away from the hypothesis.

Example: "You're stupid and nobody likes you."

E. Logic - progressive statement that follows valid reasoning.

Example: "Some people who wear purple are stupid. You're wearing purple, therefore you are stupid."

F. Argumint - a piece of candy that freshens your breath before a debate.

G. Premise - A premise is a word you use when you've already said "thesis" too many times.

Example: "You're only pro-choice because you take pleasure in killing babies."

H. Contention - A statement that builds tension.

Example: "Yeah, I called you stupid. What are you going to do about it?"

A. Common themes to debate:

1. Politics
2. Abortion
3. Quality of marijuana
4. Opponent's sexual preference
5. Opponent's mother

B. Common places to debate:

1. Bar
2. Restaurant
3. Debate club
4. Internet forum

3. Times to not debate

a. Sexual intercourse
b. Held at gunpoint
d. When someone bigger than you disagrees

 Chapter 3 | Debating Fundamentals

A. Affirmative argument

- The offensive position against an opponent.

1. argumentum ad hominem - Bring the opponent down. Use physical blemishes, odors, speech impediments, matriarchal figure, and any weakness you can disclose about them.

Example: "You only believe in pro-choice because you get pregnant every weekend, skankbag."

2. Cussing - Derogatory terms are very important and often decide the outcome of the debate.

Example: "Shut the **** up, *******."

Note: Make sure to use proper word placement: "Hey homo I ****ed your mother." is a very strong and stable argument. "Hey mother, I ****ed a homo is not.

3. Evidence - A good debater will be able to back up anything he says with solid evidence.

Example: "You're a dumbass because I said so."

Note: Avoid citing sources. If you need to steal someone else's work to back up what you say, you're probably not very intelligent and shouldn't be debating in the first place.

4. Statistics - Use proven statistics to back up your arguments logically.

Example: "100% of people who are me don't like you. Therefore nobody likes you."

5. Slang - Use ambiguous terms and subjective rational to confuse your opponent.

Example: "Ya right, dirt squad, that stuff's weak sauce."

B. Defending yourself.

When an opponent takes the offensive and attacks your argument, be able to counter his statement efficiently with powerful reasoning.

1. Rebuttal - Restate what you just said louder and more threateningly.

Example:

"Your mom is a whore."
"No, YOUR mom is a whore."
"Not as whory as your mom."

2. ad apathium - Prove that the opponent's statement meant nothing to you.

Example: "Whatever, dude..." Then roll your eyes.

3. post hoc ergo propter hoc - Basic cause-effect retort.

Example: "You are a stupid idiot, therefore I have no reason to argue with you so go to hell, you dumb piece of uneducated white trash."

Often times your opponent will crystallize you in a position where you have nothing to say. Either he's made you backtrack and contradict yourself or brought to light a perspective that you hadn't thought of. When this happens, there are a few ways to defend your argument properly:

1. Tai-jitsu

2. Tai-kwan-do

- If it's an online debate:

1. DoS Attack
2. w32 Nuke
3. Trojan/Netbus

Chapter 4 | Debating Process

A. The cross-examine

When you cross-examine, you are conversing back and forth between one or more people to see who is loudest and more insulting to the individual or his/her stereotype.

B. The argument.

Here is a (hypothetical) structured debate between me and Alexis.

Corey: "Hey Alexis, DMX rules."
Alexis: "No they don't."
Corey: "It's a 'he,' you idiot. And you're just saying that because you're ugly."
Alexis: "No I'm not."
Corey: "Yeah you are because you are fat and your face looks like it just gave birth to a walrus."
Alexis: "At least I don't LOOK like a walrus."
Corey: "Shut the **** up, you're stupid."
Alexis: "I know you are."
Ben: "Hey, would you guys shut up? I'm trying to watch TV."
Corey: (grabs Ben's glasses, breaks the lenses with his teeth and holds a shard to Ben's throat)
Ben: "What the hell, dude?"
Corey: "Who's fat?"
Ben: "Me! Not you! Not you!"
Corey: "That's right! What about your mom?"
Ben: "She's fat too! Please let go!"

See how elegantly I reasoned with Ben and lead him to contradict his original argument? That's called skill.

C. Make-Up Sex

This is probably the best part about debating with a female. When it's all said and done, she'll feel like crap for the things she said to you. After she begs for forgiveness, mention that there is one way you'll forgive her.

Use these tips and you will be debating like a pro, logically defending yourself, and backing up everything you say with valid and reasonable arguments.