....uldn't help but wonder just where he's actually keeping it all, I mean, there's barely room for a scrotum inside those pants let alone a bloody Rocket Launcher.

"Leon!" Shouted a voice from behind us. We both turned round and saw that it was that Spanish prick from before.

"Luis." said Leon, almost sounding happy to see the blithering idiot. Part of me wondered why this guy was able to get up right behind us without getting his head blown off. I mean come on, he's well aware of the situation, surely there was a better way of getting our attention than by running up behind us and shouting, that's a damn good way of losing some bollocks... in fact part of me wonders why Leon didn't just fill him full of lead anyway, maybe he's getting a bit soft.

Seemingly unaware of the dire situation we were in he begun to feel around his crotch as though it were lined with bubble-wrap.

"I've got something for you guys" he exclaimed before raising his eye-brows in a way that made him resemble every paedophile I'd ever seen (Of which there are quite a few).

"What? Oh $hit! I must have dropped it when I was running away from them!"

"Dropped what?" (your Gay Card? hehe)

"A drug that'll stop your convulsions. Look, I know you are carriers." Carriers? He better not be trying to tell me I'm pregnant. He doesn't know what he's talking about, I started my period like an hour ago... Well, either that or I'm crapping out copious amounts of blood, either way, it's gonna be a tough week.

"You've been coughing up blood, right?" WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH! Gettin' a little bit personal here!... I mean I know a girls' period isn't exactly a trickle but COUGHING IT UP... I wouldn't go quite that far.

"Yeah." Leon replied pretty quickly. I think he was over-excited bless him, he'd had a slow 7 years and I think he was enjoying shooting faces again

"And you?" Luis asked, looking at me in a way I'd only seen in trees outside my bedroom window.

"Yes." I reluctantly replied. Somehow answering his question felt like co-operation... co-operation with a Spanish man... I may throw up.

"Dammit, the eggs have hatched! We don't have much time!"

"What are you talking about?" Leon asked. And let's be honest, if there's one phrase you want a little more detail on it's "We don't have much time"

"I have to go back and get it!" He said, conveniently dodging the issue of our life-threatening egg-infestation

"Let me come with you." I shouted. I wanted some pissing answers! I mean honestly, what kind of teaser is "The eggs have hatched!", clearly you're just saying that so we'll keep asking you questions

"No, you stay here with Leon. He is better with the ladies, I am sure." translation: His willy is longer.

"Why are you?" Leon asked... question which admittedly perplexed me somewhat.

"It makes me feel better, let's just leave it at that." I assume that meant he was off for a tug-job and a swift-half at the local pub... well, always makes me feel better atleast.

As he skulked off me and Leon gave each other the "What a wanker" look and carried on upto a large door. Naturally, we broke our asses in. Inside was a huge hall with a balcony at one end. Barely were we 2 steps in the door when we heard a high-pitched cackle.

It's either a small kid or someones tickling Leon....

..."No...Leon, I think they shot something in my neck." Ashley murmured. I glanced at her neck. What I had assumed HAD to be vampire teeth marks before must have just been where they injected her.

"What did you do to her?" I asked Osmund. Even though we had just met he seemed like a stand-up,honest guy so I was expecting him to clear up some of this weird crap for me... for example, what's with the tentacle dogs? Does he mind that I killed his pet fish?How did that giant man get so grey? (at the time I had just assumed he was malnurished so I offered him a dog I had found... he seemed pretty grateful)... so imagine my annoyance when all I got was

"We just planted her a little gift. Oh, there's going to be one hell
of a party when she returns home to her loving father. (laughs) But before
that, I thought I might bargain with the President for some...donations.
Believe it or not, it takes quite a lot of money to keep this church up and
running." I guess first impressions can be wrong... this saddler dude is just another oneof those guys that talks in bloody riddles, he reminded me a little of Wesker, only not camp.

I decided to teach this guy a lesson, to make an example out of him for all times some smarmy Umbrella employee had tried to talk his way out of a good old-fashioned Kennedy ass-kicking, and so I whipped out my most formidable weapon... a rocket launcher? he wishes! a grenade? in his dreams! my weapon of choice was... awitty one-liner. "Faith and money will lead you nowhere Saddler."

"Oh, I believe I forgot to tell you that we gave you the same gift." Saddler uttered, sporting a wry grin. I had that sinking feeling you get when you make fun of someone only for them to point out you have mayonnaise on your face.

I wish guys injecting me random fluids whilst I was unconscious was a new experience for me. But it wasn't.

"Oh, I truly hope you like our small, but special contributions.
When the eggs hatch, you'll become my puppets. Involuntarily, you'll do as I
say. I'll have total control over your mind. Don't you think this is
revolutionary way to propagate one's faith?"

"Sounds more like an alien invasion if you ask me!" I blerted out. I couldn't help myself, what the hell was this guy going on about???

It probably should have kept my mouth shut and just shot this fool in the face, but like I said, he might have been a nice genuine guy. One of these days I'm just gonna start shooting people... one day soon... Hunnigan can be the first to go, damn tease.

At that moment I heard the door swing open behind me. "How did they get it open when I've got the key?" I asked myself, but before I could ask Saddler I heard that oh so sweet sound... of someone loading a crossbow. My heart sank. I begun to turn around, hoping all I would see is a guy fixing a tricicle but no... crossbow wielding monks. Fan-fricking-tastic.

It appeared there was no way out... that is, to anyone who ISN'T Leon Kennedy! Honestly, who did Saddler think he was dealing with? I had broken atleast 50 windows today and I wasn't gonna let a priceless, one-of-a-kind stained-glass one get in my way. I grabbed Ashley by the hand and made a "break" for the window. I could see the look on Saddler's face was less than impressed with my momentary destroying of a no-doubt family heirloom but who cares eh?

We jumped through, and dusted ourselves off. thankfully nobody thought to check outside the window for us, instead opting to seeminglyignore a hole in thebuilidng that lay at thecentre of their very belief system.

"You okay?" I aksed Ashley

"Leon, what's going to happen to us?" from the tone ofher answer I gathered that she wasn't okay and was quite pissed off with me

"Don't worry, we got into this mess, we can get out of it." I reassured her, ofcourse, neglecting to mention that our only hope was a helicopter on the other side of a village filled with blood-thirsty locals whose heads have a tendencey to explode and reveal alarge mass of in-human tentacles. I think that might have freaked her out a little.

We stepped into the graveyard which, ofcourse, was full of Spanish freaks and probably tourists... FRENCH tourists. Luckily for me Saddler had left me a cart packed with explosives. I knew he liked me, I could see it in his body language. I pushed the cart towards the mass of Spaniards who barely seemed to notice it, and then shot it. It blew up rather nicely. Ofcourse it was no nuke-hitting-Raccoon-City but whay're ya gonna do?

Making our way out of the now (ironically) corpse-filled graveyard I saw a blue flame ahead. I contemplated turning around but it was too late, he had seen me.

"Over 'ere... Stranger." he letched. I let out a sigh then walked upto him, hoping that Ashley's presence there might make him tone it down a bit.

"Got a variety of RARE things on sale... Stanger." he passionately told me before letting off a wink.

I rolled my eyes "I told you, my name's Leon... LE-ON."

"... What're ya buyin'?"

"God you do this every time! I know it's you! You're the same guy! we've met plenty of times nowso pleasejust call me Leon!"

"... What're ya........ sellin'?"

"Fine!" I said "I found this ruby... in a guys pocket... a guy I mudered. What'll you give me for it?"

He begun to unbutton his pants. "Aww man! Not in front of the girl!"...