Introducing my NEW PHONE!!! After dealing with the piece of **** LG-whatever that refused to hold more than 15 seconds of a charge for several months, I decide to finally force myself to get a new phone at the local Verizon store.

There was a hugely-awesome Blackberry deal going on at the time; buy one, get one free. Unfotunately, I doubt that they would let me get away with that, knowing that with my "New Every Two Years" deal, I would probably get the first phone free. What killed me was the fact that one had to purchase a monthly e-mail plan for an additional $15/month.

My wish-list of features included a QWERTY keyboard, mobile e-mail and instant messaging, a full html web browser (to use intermittently), 3G network speeds, and GPS navigation capability. I know, I'm a bit of a **** when it comes to this.

If you couldn't tell from the pilfered picture above, I chose a black LG Dare. Apple Phone, kiss my ass.