This article just had me busting a gut:
If you read video game message boards -- for instance, because you are trying to make yourself insane -- you'll notice the word fanboy being thrown around a lot.
What's a fanboy? How can you be a fanboy? Do they get discounts at Denny's? Well, shoot yourself up with learning juice and strap yourself down, because I'm about to explain.
First off, you don't need to be a boy to be a fanboy. You don't even need to be a male. None of the other posters are going to believe you're a woman, even if you are, so the word fangirl doesn't get nearly as much use.
So how can you bear the proud mantle of fanboy? The first step is to pick a video game system to give your undying allegiance. Most fanboys ally themselves with one of the latest generation of consoles, but a few diehards are still rooting for the Dreamcast.
Once you've picked your system -- and don't take too long choosing, you're going to be equally irrational no matter what you pick -- you're ready to hit the boards. Here are some simple rules to ensure that you live up to the fanboy ideal.
- Your System Has No Flaws
Admitting even a single problem with your system of choice is like stripping naked, rolling in a kiddie pool full of congealed rabbit blood and jumping the fence into the Jack Palance Memorial Rottweiler Training Camp and Grizzly Farm. Online forums are cruel places, and you must show no weakness. Therefore, you must deny any accusations of imperfection.
Example: "There's no proof that my console is likely to burst into flames. Those 50 kids in the burn ward could all be lying."
- It's Not Broken, It's Hard-Core
Hard-core is good. There is no nobler endeavor than directing the actions of tiny, violent, make-believe people, so clearly hard-core gamers are better human beings than anyone else. Luckily, most problems with systems and games make them more difficult and less fun to play, which is pretty much the same as hard-core. So you can easily score points for both yourself and the system by implying that your opponent is a less virile button-presser than yourself.
Example: "Sure, the game erases all the save files on the drive if your character drives off a cliff. If you were hard-core like me, you'd see that that's a great feature."
- Praising Another System Is the Same as Insulting Yours
Why would someone say something nice about a console? Because it has something other consoles don't. So when someone says they like another console, that's logically the same as insulting yours, which is logically the same as breaking into your house and making you dress up in a pink kitty outfit while doing a little dance and singing, "It's My Party." You must never allow this to happen.
Example: "What do you mean your system has exceptionally durable rubber feet? My system's rubber feet are so durable that I've stabbed them with a shrimp fork 500 times and they're still pristine! Because I'm hard-core, that's why!"
- Everyone's Biased but You
In spite of your effort, people continue to buy other video game systems. Worse yet, they continue to praise other video game systems, right out in public where God and everyone can see. How can this be? Obviously, they've been brainwashed by multinational corporations and slick television commercials in spite of your best efforts. There may come a time when you realize you're dealing with someone who just can't face up to the reality that everything in their life is a sad charade and that the only source of truth is you. In this case, you'll just have to dismiss them with an appropriate pejorative.
Example: "You're nothing but a fanboy."
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