I have a lady in my tummy. Her name is Candis Chatterley. I don't like her very much; she makes me do awful things. When Candis is happy, I am happy and I do nice things. Candis likes berries, so when she's happy I eat berries, and eating berries makes her happy. I like it when she's happy, and I don't mind eating lots of berries to keep her that way. Her favourite berry is a gooseberry, but I call them kiwifruit. I think they're just called kiwis in America. Candis likes them to be called gooseberries though. She says it like "goozbrees". When I don't call them "goozbrees" she gets mad. When Candis is mad, I really don't like it. That's when she makes me do awful things.

People get hurt.

So, I try my very best to keep her happy. I eat berries, and I say "goozbrees" as much as I can. It's not always enough though. Sometimes she just wants trouble.

Now she can't make me do anything anymore. I'm safe; the nice men keep me that way. I've even got a nice coat now, and a spongy room. And the best part is, I don't have to eat berries anymore.

...but Candis doesn't like that.

She can't make me hurt people anymore, but she hurts me. She's always mad now; the nice men wonder where all the bruises come from. Sometimes, she leaves, and goes exploring. She likes to cause trouble. Once I woke up, and my coat was gone. The nice men didn't like that at all. I got in trouble. They don't know what happened to the coat either.

I do.

You know, wh -

GOOZBREES!

GOOZBREES!!