Bayonetta (***/four)

As a little boy, I liked Spider-Man a great deal. Consequently, I had quite the number of Spider-Man related toys. Hobgoblin, The Lizard, Hydro-Man, Venom, Carnage and, of course, several versions of the friendly neighbourhood spider himself. As you can imagine, playing with the same characters got boring quickly, so I did what kids usually do: I made characters up, using the toys as representations. For instance, Hydro-Man could be The Hero, while Hobgoblin was The Cynical Sidekick and The Lizard played the part of The Criminal Mastermind Bent On Destroying The World(kid me wasn't very good at coming up with names). These characters would have powers that made "real"(in the sense that they were, and possibly still are, famous) superheroes and supervillains seem weak, and their encounters would often(always, actually) end in ridiculous, gravity-defying fights. These imaginary battles were perfect. They were elaborately choreographed, but never confusing; long enough to be satisfying, but never so long as to be boring; they were thrilling, fast-paced, explosive and bombastic; they had everything anyone could possibly want from a fight scene.

I'd like to think that Hideki Kamiya was exactly the same way when he was young. He probably didn't play with licensed Spider-Man action figures and he may or may not have been better than me at coming up with names, but the point is that as a kid, he too dreamt of fantastic fights between imaginary characters. That even after going to school, growing up, and getting a job as a game designer, he still remembered those fantasies. And he thought to himself, "Hey, self, those fantasies were pretty awesome. I should make a game out of them!". And so, he made Devil May Cry.

Kamiya later formed Clover Studio with fellow game designer Shinji Mikami and producer Atsushi Inaba. Seeing as Clover was a video game development studio, he had to come up with an ideas for a video game. He thought to himself, "Hey, self, Devil May Cry was based on my childhood fantasies, and that game was pretty awesome. I should make another game based on my childhood fantasies!". And so, he made Viewtiful Joe and Viewtiful Joe 2. Then he made Okami, based on who the hell knows what. Drug trips, probably("Ancient Japanese mythology, actually", you might accurately point out. But let's be honest here: is there really a difference?).

Shortly after Okami's release, Capcom's Board of Directors(which is a fancy way to say "bosses") had a meeting. Apparently, not enough people liked good games(you know who you are) to make Clover Studio financially viable. The Board of Director's doesn't like things that aren't financially viable; at least not when they don't belong to their competitors. So they decided to dissolve the studio. The Clover people weren't big fans of the dissolution, so they formed a new, independent studio called Seeds Inc. Seeds Inc. later merged with the company ODD Incorporated to form Platinum Games.

Seeing as Capcom owned all of Clover's intellectual properties, Kamiya couldn't make another Viewtiful Joe or Okami. He he had to come up with something new; something fresh. He thought to himself, "Hey, self, Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe were both based on my childhood fantasies, and those games were pretty awesome. I should make another game based on my childhood fantasies; but since we've got better hardware now, I'm going to use the really good stuff, the stuff that just wouldn't have been possible on the Playstation 2 or the Gamecube!". And so, he made Bayonetta.

Of course, this is all guesswork. Maybe Kamiya never dreamt of ridiculous gravity-defying fights; maybe the only thing he did as a kid was play house. Maybe he isn't making these bombastic, explosive action games because of childhood memories; maybe he's making them to compensate for and conceal a gentle, feminine psyche. Maybe the being we know as "Hideki Kamiya" doesn't actually exist; maybe he's just a vessel for an ethereal being; an alien visitor; a demon from the netherworld; an angel from one of heaven's many spheres. Who knows! And really, who cares? I don't(actually, I do. Don't tell anyone, though!).

Okay, let's review what we've established so far:

• I liked Spider-Man when I was a kid.
• Hideki Kamiya probably didn't play with licensed Spider-Man action figures.
• Clover Studio was a video game development studio. It is now dissolved.
• Bayonetta is a game that may or may not be based on Hideki Kamiya's childhood fantasies.

So, let's cut to the chase. Bayonetta is a game that may or may not be based on Hideki Kamiya's childhood fantasies. Is it based on his childhood fantasies? I don't know. Maybe I never will. Either way, that's not important. No, the important question is: Is it as good as my childhood fantasies? So, is it? Well, yes and no. When everything works, Bayonetta is bliss. It's like one of those neat CG cutscenes action games usually have, except playable(which makes it about a square bazillion times better). And not Quick Time Event playable, where you see symbols pop up on the screen, press the corresponding buttons, and watch your character do stuff that has zilch to do with the buttons you just pressed. No, we're talking actually, really playable; you press jump, your character jumps; you press punch, your character punches; you press dodge, your character dodges(yeah, Bayonetta has an entire button devoted solely to the dodge move. It also has the best dodging ever in a game. See the connection?); you decide your characters actions, not some game designer who thinks what essentially amounts to a grossly simplified version of "Simon Says" is "visceral" or "engaging" or, god forbid, "entertaining"(Bayonetta does suffer from Quick Time Events, though; more on that later).

So yeah, when everything works, Bayonetta is pretty much the best action game ever made. But what about the parts where everything doesn't work? Yeah, those parts. I'm talking about the parts where obnoxious Quick Time Events pop out of nowhere; Quick Time Events that don't even have the courtesy to give you more than a split second to stop thinking about how awesome it would be to have a hoverboard(or whatever it is you're thinking about) and press the damn buttons, despite the fact that they always appear when you least expect it. I'm talking about the parts where the game devolves from a finely tuned Childhood Dream Simulator to a Moderately Entertaining Button Masher Video Game. I'm talking about the parts where the game hides all those weapons a reasonable game would simply give you in locations no ordinary human being could possibly find without checking an online guide; the parts where the game expects you to not only care about, but also understand its convoluted, poorly told story; the parts where you have to do battle with bosses that, while impressive in size, just aren't all that fun to fight.

I'm torn on Bayonetta. I really am. On the one hand, I liked it enough to play through it three times, on three difficulty settings, over the course of less than a week, and was sort of tempted to start a fourth playthrough; on the other hand, I could point out a myriad issues that, when the show up, more or less ruin the experience. In the end, though, Bayonetta is the closest we've come to a proper Childhood Dream Simulator, and for that, it more than deserves its three out of four stars.