One of my plethora of pet peeves, I refused to watch the awards the other nights because of this view. The idea that only shows with 'drama' as the main focus can be "good" enough for awards. Personally, I don't like dramas in the first place. Life has enough drama for me, just make me laugh or exclaim at how huge an explosion was. And, unfortunately, the dial is filled with dramas that are "emotional" or "thought-provoking." I just don't see the entertainment. Gimme MacGyver or Burn Notice and I'll be fine. Just no more DRAMAS!!!!

5. Spikes - even if they don't have any right to be there, spikes will usually turn up in games. Examples: Batman (Genesis), James Bond, Jr. (SNES)

4. Lava - Another hazard, similar to spikes, that crops up in even more outlandish places. Doesn't occur as much as spikes, but are even funnier when it does. Examples: Mario Bros. 3 (NES, in the middle of castles?!?!)

3. Scrolling Sequences - The areas where a generic threat (or possibly just cruel programmers) forces you to outrun the left or right side of the screen which is always moving toward you. Theses can be the worst things you encounter, the very death of your character. Examples: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Genesis, the final level has the path constantly shortening), Jurassic Park: The Chaos Continues (Game Boy, the T-Rex pushes you through an unusually built paddock).

2. Leaps-of-Faith - Innumerable titles require you to jump blindly off screen, like Indiana Jones during the Three Trials. Examples: James Bond, Jr. (SNES), The Pagemaster (SNES, Genesis)

1. Out-of-Place Moving Platforms - These pop up in several games, usually in areas that wouldn't ever have such things. Examples: The Mask (SNES), Robocop 3 (SNES, Genesis)

Gather round kids, let me tell you all a story

'Bout a worm who's journey wasn't perfunctory:

His name was Jim,

he was quite slim,

but his suit was much stronger.

I heard through the grapevine

that he was a fan of the bovine,

but his whole tale is much longer.

It all started when his suit from the sky came falling

He put it on and his crow nemesis found all this appalling.

So Jim took a joy ride around the Milky Way,

making sure not to speed too fast,

any enemy received from his gun a mean blast,

'Cause, other than Jeopardy, Jim didn't like to play.

But one day he saw a stunning girl,

to which he said to himself "Princess? What's yer name?"

She smiled and laughed and said, "Hey! Mine's the same!"

But Psy-Crow appeared and took her, Jim wanting to save "his pearl"

Through locales like Junk City and Heck he gave chase

Even more thugs trying to slow him

Even a hick who was not quite trim.

Jim finally cornered the crow, somewhere in space.

After an epic battle involving cows,

Jim took his sweetie to the nearest chapel drive-thru

Jim took ordered the ceremony and said "I do."

His journey was seemingly over, with everyone taking their bow.

But misfortune would come another day

With Psy-Crow plotting to take her back,

stealing her like a cheap knick-knack.

But that is all we can read for today...

Ash found himself lying on the ground, face down. He pulled himself to his feet and brushed off his tattered S-Mart uniform. "Where in the Hell am I?" As he said that a demon-like creature approached. "I gotta watch how I say these things." He bent over and picked up his "boomstick." The creature's eyes lit up and it rushed towards him. He cockedthe gunand fired at the beast. It yelped and fell back. He tapped it with his boot, then looked around. In the distance he saw a familiar castle. "Not these screw-heads again!" But, he should've seen some activity outside. And he slayed all the Deadites. What was going on?....

Another fine day at S-Mart, as another ordinary customer strolls in. Ash finishes stamping the tags on toasters as the hooded man walks by. Ash is bumped and spins around. A hood coneals his face. "Excuse me! Did you bump me?" In the exact same voice, the man replies, "Yes I did, goody two shoes." Ash instantly realized that this thing was from the same realm he entered a month before. "I thought I toasted you. Apparently, you weren't well done." Ash pulled away the hood and looked into his own eyes. He rammed his fist into the creature's face. It yelped and fell to the floor. Ash turned and sprinted through Housewares and dove over the Sporting Goods counter. He smashed the gun case with his metal appendage and retrieved his familiar shotgun. As he cradled it he said, "Daddy's home, baby." He stood up and watched as a swirling black vortex sucked everything within 6 feet of it. Ash remembered this part too. He was pulled over the counter and sucked into the tornado. He tried to grab the counter, but it broke off. He plummeted through the abyss screaming endlessly. Soon, he blacked out. He felt his flailing body slam into a stone floor, then he lost all consciousness...

So starts Army of Darkness II. Stay tuned for the entire story.

Many people absolutely despise this title. Many say it's horrible. But I'm defending its honor.

1. Batman- Come on! Its Batman. The best superhero ever. You gotta give it that.

2. The laugh out loud funnygoon names- With names like Nardo and Evil Ned, you gotta laugh.

3. THE CROTCH BOMB!-This is the best crimefighting tool ever. You throw it at the enemy and it hits their pelvis area. The stand and cry for a moment then come back to their evil ways. The animations of goons holding themselves is hilarious.

4.The final boss battle- Beating the tar out of the Big Riddle is hilarious. Then, you get to smack Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey around.

5. The Game itself- The movie wasn't that good. But the game is good taken in itself. Unique levels and locales keep you moving and numerous gadgets keep the criminals reeling.

Ultimately, the game wasn't that bad. I just tried to help a battered game achieve more than hated status.

THE DIARY OF ALEX REMINGTON

DAY 22-NEW WILDLIFE

12:23 PM-The tribesmen are suffering from a newly documented disease. As we venture into the dense, maze of jungle, I fear that not many of the caravan will survive. Dr. Edwhick has passed away due to a rare mosquito-borne disease. Unfortunately, I fear that I myself have that same disease.

3:43 PM-A pack of large, low-walking creatures attacked the rear of the group. We were powerless to even wound these behemoths. They ran off with Jensen and his assistant. We fear their fate. The other scientists are studying furiously to find a logical explanation to the unusual beasts. Unfortunately, I fear that we are the bizarre species in this virgin land.

8:17 PM- The entire group has been separated. A new creature, a small, two-legged green-skinned leaper, and its pack chased us through the foliage. I've camped out in a stone tower. I hope the others have found such favorable shelter.

STAY TUNED FOR VOLUME 2......