It is easy to wish one's death, especially when he is f***ing the only thing you have ever loved. It is hard to forgive, and even harder to forget... The fact you last her is not an issue. Your life's tragedy consists in the fact there is seemengly nothing left to love. Above all, the only thing that keeps you going is the urge to break that guy's neck. However, you will never do such a thing beacause, with the death of your nemessis, your only reason to live will cease to exist.