The Work Time Blues: Vol III

Now with 25% more fun! Or less... I can't remember...

Look at that! We're back! Who would have thought? Not the police, that's for sure.

Because I'm a male in the 10 to 100 age demographic, I like to complain. And swear. And scratch my nuts. But also I like to complain. Last issue I complained about censorship, and this time I am going to complain about spelling. Because spelling is gay That's really all of the argument that I have in me, but, dammit!, it's a good one!

Anyways, the reason that I bring this up is because, after writing at least twenty thousand pages of material for this blog (or making it up as I go along...) I can't be bothered re-reading it trying to pick up any grammatical errors. I'm lazy and have better things to do! Even if I don't. So, from this issue of TWTB, there will be no spell-checking, and no proof reading! EVER! I'm taking a stand! Sure, it may make my writing look sloppy and unprofessional, but it's not like my target audience is, you know, intelligent. So it should really be a non-issue! You beautiful morons, you!

Also, in pressing issues off the top of my head, I read a review on 411Mania.com of the new Kings of Leon album, Only By The Night, and the jerk gave it 5.0. 5.0!? As in five POINT zero! Was this guy writing a review while sucking on the end of a crack pipe? Is his sole purpose in life to ANGER me!? BECAUSE I AM VERY ANGRY! There is no way that album is a five! Stupid jerk! Your face is a five! OUT OF A BILLION! I am declaring war on you, 411Mania music reviewer, whose name I am currently to lazy to look up. Actually, you have gone and done it! I am looking up you name! Aha! James Palm! James Palm, general of the loser brigade! This is war! A holy war! Your head is mine!

And now... onto the news~!

"Clay Aiken appears on the cover of the latest People magazine holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay."

The 29-year-old former American Idol runner-up, multi-platinum recording artist and Broadway star credits his son, conceived by in-vitro fertilisation with friend and producer Jaymes Foster, with making him realise that he could no longer hide his homosexuality from the world.

Credit: NineMSN.com"

Every joke I can think of is just too damn easy. So I'm not going to make any jokes! Congratulations, Mr. Clay Aitken! You are a braver man then, well, not me, but someone. Let's say... Osama Bin Laden. Because he is about as currently relevant as Clay Aitken. Go back in time four years and tell somebody who cares! Ha! That told him. I bet he is shaking in his sequined boots.

...I want sequined boots...

"China's premier has sought to ease growing concern abroad over contaminated Chinese milk by vowing to strengthen safety checks and meet international standards, as more countries boosted testing of Chinese food imports

Credit: ChineseMilkAssociation.org ..okay, not really...

Credit: NineMSN.com.au"

And about damn time, too! Too often have I been drinking my milk and I can't even enjoy it! There is a cloud hanging over my head, a cloud full of worry. Thoughts dash through my head, "I hope the Chinese have tested this milk! Anything could be in it! Scorpions, or maybe, gorilla hair. I think I'm a lot more frightened of the scorpions though." and then someone will walk into the room and say, "Hey! Is that milk? I want some milk. Can I have some milk?" And I'll start yelling, and the lights start flashing, and I scream and I yell, "YOU DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS MILK, BOY! NONE OF THIS MILK! THIS HERE IS SCORPION MILK! IT'S FULL OF SCORPIONS! YOU DON'T WANT THEM INSIDE YA! THEY'RE INSIDE ME! IN MY GUTS! GET 'EM OUT! HELP ME, BOY! HELP ME!" And then I start crying and go and have a shower.

""Hasbro Licensing Summit 2008 at Malaysia Kuala Lumpur has revealed the identity of the Chevy Corvette as Sideswipe! The second revelation is confirmation of Ravage in Revenge of the Fallen. Ravage is described as having a very raw beast mode."

Their article also says that the trade show confirmed that Devastator will be in the sequel and that Megatron will be back but in the form of a tank.

Credit: twf2005.com"

They didn't announce the transformer I wanted to see. The transformer that disguises itself as Megan Fox's shirt, and then transforms into NOTHING.

And now onto~!

Nothing. I have nothing. Okay, fine, I have something. But you are going to have to wait. Instead, I am going to tell you all a story;

One day, there was this punk rock rabbit named Romeo. He was walking down to McDonalds, he got mugged by a giant balloon with a sad face. "Why do you mug me?" pleaded Romeo, "What ever have I done to you, mysterious balloon?" But the balloon didn't relpy. Because he was a balloon, and balloon's don't talk. That'd be crazy. Instead, he just floated away with all of Romeo's valuables. The end.

And, with that, I take my leave.

Adios~!

The Work Time Blues: Vol II

Where censorship reigns supreme~!

The award winning blog, infamous across the internet for it's hard hitting journalistic analysis, returns! Maybe all of that stuff was true, and maybe it wasn't. Who knows? Not me. Anyways, on with the show~!

And, speaking of the show, this will be a show that is rated PG-13, because, get this, I'm not allowed to cuss in my blog. What!? Gamespot, is this a hilarious joke?! Swearing is the corner stone of my blog! When people read my blogs (hi mom!) and they see me drop the dreaded F-Bomb, they instantly thinf, "Oh my! This man, with high Christian morales and a pretty face also has edge! He certainly isn't the kind of guy I would like to meet in a dark alley, that's for sure!" And, for the most part that is true. Well, not really. Except for that dark alley business. That's true. Because if you met me in a dark alley, chances are you are either scoring crack or the unwilling victim of a sweet-ass flashing. Balls shining in the moon light...

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah! Censorship! It's great, really. Now when I read all of the kids blogs on this site (not that I would ever read any of these nerds' blogs. "Halo was WAY better than Halo 3 LOLROFL HALO 3 = EPIC FAIL!~!11") I don't have to hear them repeat words over and over again that they had just learnt from Entourage. Actually, thinking young teens watch Entourage maybe giving them too much credit. That show is rad.

Stupid tangents! What were we talking about? Oh yeah! Gamespot turning my sweet cuss words into asterisks! Losers. They didn't even have the common decency to let me know! If they had been, like, "Yo, you kind say them words, yo. You're going to, like, have to change them up or we be slappin' you in the face with some ghetto stars, man! It's going to make you look stoo-pid! Change them now, if you want", I would have done it! Oh, but, noooo! They just go around, changing peoples swears into stars like it was some kind of government initiative! 'Swears to Stars; Making your language brighter!"

The nerve! I wasn't able to sleep last night, knowing that the online community thought that I was a joke! I could hear their cat-calling, their taunting, over and over... "Oooh! Look at Mr. High and Mighty! Too good to actually swear! What's wrong? Will your mommy yell at you? Look at the mommy's boy! HAHAHHA!" Yes! Okay!? Yes! She would yell at me! And she's mean... Oh, she's mean...

Sometimes I wish I don't write as much as I do... Anyways, on to the news~!

"Sheep farmers in remote northwest Scotland are furious about a sea eagle reintroduction programme, saying the huge birds of prey are damaging their livelihoods by killing 200 lambs in the past year.

The Scottish Crofting Foundation said some crofts, small farms producing mainly lamb or beef, had seen lamb numbers fall over the past five years because of the sea eagles' diet.

"It's come to the stage now that we have lost, in the whole peninsula, around 200 lambs and we believe this is solely due to the sea eagles," William Fraser, chairman of the Gairloch and Poolewe branch of the Crofting Foundation, told Reuters.

Credit: NineMSN.com.au"

Seriously, I have absolutley no idea why, but dead sheep are hilarious. Who would have thought that the killing of something so innocent looking would be so funny? But don't let their looks fool you, they are not innocent. Oh no, not innocent at all. To often have I seen people cut down in their prime at the hands of a single sheep. And why, why do they do these unspeakable acts? Why do they slaughter men without a second thought? Oh, they will tell you 'Why'. They will spit their poison into your ears if you give them even the slightest opening. They will spin lies and cry foul about how men 'slaughter hundreds of thousand of sheep just to fill their stomachs! It is time for us to act in kind!' Blah, blah, blah. Listen here, sheepy man. I'm not afraid of you, or you giant sheep army! I love lamb chops! It's my right as a human to eat creatures smaller than me, and some bigger. I'll eat anything, because all races are inferior to me. I, for one, support the plight of the sea eagle. Those stupid jerk farmers! Don't they understand that they are giving people the impression that sea eagles are EVIL!? They aren't evil, they are instead trying to help mankind by killing all of the sheep in Scotland. And, soon, THE WORLD~

"Fox producer John Davis recently served up some new details on the upcoming Sims movie to collider.com.

The story will focus on a teenage boy and his friend who discover a version of the game called the 'Sims Infinity Pack' in a strange videogame store.

He went on: "But what they realize is that they can scan their world in, because this is the most life-like, real 'Sims' game ever. And as they are playing this, they are all of a sudden realizing that what they are playing on the game is having an effect on the real world. So in effect, through the game, they are able to control their world. It's wish fulfilment, and obviously it turns against them."

Credit: 411Mania.com"

Aww. I thought that the sims movie was going to be about people moving into a house, and then some evil god deletes the door, and then the family tries frantically to escape before all starving to death. There goes the greatest movie ever made...

"Miley Cyrus and Disney Channel are out in force to shoot down rumors on Monday that the teen sensation "Hannah Montana" was seeking to part ways with the show that made her a star. Patti McTeague, a Disney spokeswoman for the "Hannah Montana" show, said that reports of on-set turmoil were "absolutely not true, pure gossip."

Credit: Reuters.com"

Phew! I was this close to losing my weekly Billy Ray fix... FOREEEEVEEEEEEEEER!

And now onto~!

I watched Superhero Movie last night. I thought it was going to be disgustingly bad. I mean, Meet the Spartan's was only bearable because of that one rad tanning scene with Carmen Electra and pizza on her cooter. But this movie was actually, get this, reasonably good! I mean, in an age of spoofs that are so non-sensical they come off as live action episodes of Family Guy, a spoof with a continual storyline, and jokes RELEVANT TO THAT STORYLINE is a rarity, but superhero managed to do this, while still ribbing a whole bunch of superhero movies and had some surprisingly laugh-out-loud moments. The scene where the villain guy is trying to find the Dragonfly guy, a spoof of the scene where the Green Goblin guy is trying to find that Spider-Man guy in his room when they are having TURKEY dinner, had me in stiches! So, while Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, Silly Movie and almost any other movie that's title ends in 'Movie' may suck the humour right out of your face, Superhero Movie leaves me with some hope that there are actually funny people left in Hollywood.

Maybe.

And that's it! Another day, another sweet-ass blog.

Adios!

The Work Time Blues: Vol I

It's called the work time blues because I'm at work and working sucks. See? It's witty!

Who ever thought that I would start a blog!? Not you, that's for sure. But that's mainly because you didn't even know who I am. Shame on you! How could you play with my feelings? Don't you know how important I am! Or how important I will be!?

Not very, in either case.

Anyways, let's begin! Begins what, I hear you ask. Well, I'm not really sure, to be honest. But when I get around to beginning it, I'm sure it is going to be impressive. I cool like that.

Anyways, in news this week~!;

"At the DVD release party for Sex and the City: The Movie on Thursday night, Sarah Jessica Parker all confirmed that a sequel will happen. Of course, no official announcement has been made, but this seems like as good an indication as any that the series will continue.

"Let's wring everything we can out of this thing," Parker said.

Credit: PerezHilton.com"

Yay! I don't know about you guys, but I loved avoiding the first one like the plague and making jokes about how horrible it probably was. Imagine the hours of joy I will get out of the second one! The sky is the limit! I just hope that they leave it for a couple of years before they dive back into it. At least get those wrinkles going. Remember that movie "As Good As It Gets"? If that movie taught me anything it is that mature aged nudity is rad. I can't wait for Sex and the City 2 (Electric Boogaloo!?)

"(Bill) Clinton said voters would think, "I like that little Down syndrome kid. One of them lives down the street. They're wonderful children. They're wonderful people. And I like the idea that this guy does those long-distance races. Stayed in the race for 500 miles (804km) with a broken arm. My kind of guy."

Credit: NineMSN.com.au"

Alright, fine. I took it out of context. But you're a liar if you don't think that that is hilarious. I know I do

"A semi-trailer has overturned on a wet road in NSW's south, resulting in the deaths of 400 sheep while the driver and his young son were also injured.

The two-tier stock transport truck was travelling on the Mulwala-Barooga Road, after leaving the Corowa stockyards, when it left the road about 6.40pm (AEST) yesterday.

"The vehicle veered onto the gravel verge in heavy rain and the driver lost control," the NSW Police Force said today. "The rig came to rest across the east-bound lanes of the roadway."

Police say about 300 sheep were killed in the crash, and another 100 animals had to be put down because of their injuries. Just 50 sheep survived.

Credit: NineMSN.com.au"

...

I can't be THAT bad a person. That's funny, no matter how bad you are. Imagine the headline! "Dinner causes road block" I mean, the sheep were going to get killed anyways, we might as well laugh at it. At least this way, instead of the sheep sitting around all day saying, "I don't want to die! Oh cruel world!" they were all like, "Dude, this truck ride is actuall pretty fun--OH **** Splat. Haha.

Now onto;

Yesterday there was this freak storm thing, and it knocked down all of these trees and stuff, and then these **** trees landed on power lines, so I didn't have power all night. It was probably the worst expirience of my whole life. Imagine! I went, like, six hours having to live by candle light. Who am I? Joan of Arc? Socrates? Amy Winehouse? It was disgusting. And what was I supposed to do? It was horrible. I wanted to cry, but then I remembered that I was a MAN and MEN never cry. Especially me. Because I am the manliest of men. Serious.

And with that, it is five o'clock, and my day of pretending to work while not actually working has come to a close. Yay me!