You are standing on a well lit street, next to the bus stop (the time table is partially vandalised). A man is selling newspapers and bus tickets. Nearby, to the North you can hear the noise a lawnmower and, to the South, birds are singing. You are carrying a barrel.

> Open barrel

You open your barrel. Inside you have Pile of Leaves, needle in a haystack, Walkie Talkie, Potion, Book of Pirate insults, $25.86 in gold and a rusty pipe.

> Count Leaves

I do not understand "Leaves".

> Count the ******* leaves.

I do not understand "the ******* leaves".

> Count the pile of leaves.

You count the Pile of Leaves. There are 2,176 leaves.

You hear a new noise in the distance. It sounds like an engine.

> Talk to Man.

"Hey sonny. Would you like to Buy a Newspaper (for $1), Buy a Bus ticket (for $1) or ask about the bus destinations.

The engine noise is getting louder.

>Buy newspaper and bus ticket.

"Thank you. You you like to ask about the bus destinations?" (Yes, No, Goodbye)

You have spent $2. You now have a newspaper, bus ticket, $23.86 ing gold, Pile of Leaves, Walkie Talkie, Potion, Book of Pirate insults, and a manual.

>No.

"OK. Well, have a nice day" (Goodbye, Get lost)

>Goodbye.

The bus turns around the corner and stops. (Use bus ticket, ignore)

>Use bus ticket.

You are on a bus. The driver ignores you because she is crossing the road.

>Examine ticket.

The bus ticket is punch and torn now. It has some destination information on it now too.

RAVENHOLM. SILENT HILL. RACCOON CITY. WILLIAMETTE.

The driver shouts at you. "Where are you heading?" (Ravenholm, Silent Hill, Raccoon City, Williamette, Somewhere Nice I hope)

>Somewhere Nice I hope

The driver laughs. "You are funny." The driver shouts at you. "Where are you heading?" (Ravenholm, Silent Hill, Raccoon City, Williamette)

>Williamette

In no time you arrive at Williamette. You are next to a mall. The sun is shining. People here walk funny. To the West there are two men wearing fighting. They are wearing red "Hi, my name is" stickers.

>West

Two men are fighting. They are wearing name badges. To the East is a Shopping Mall. To the North is a man holding a big sign saying "I am Harrison Ford" and another man holding a big sign saying "I am George Lucas' lawyer".

>Examine Stickers

One mans sticker says "George A. Romero's Lawyer". The other sticker says "Capcom's Lawyer".

>Drop newspaper

George A. Romero's lawyer takes the newspaper. George A. Romero's Lawyer shouts "I'm coming to get you Barbara".

>Drop broken shotgun

Capcom's lawyer picks up the broken shotgun. Capcom's lawyer is crushed by a slowly lowering ceiling for reasons that defy any attempt at an explanation.

You are standing next to George A. Romero's lawyer, and broken slowly lowering ceiling. To the East is a Shopping Mall.

>East

As you head east, George A. Romero's lawyer says "I've got a bad feeling about this."

You are next to a mall. The sun is shining. People here walk funny. To the West George A. Romero's lawyer is fighting two men holding big signs.

>Enter Mall

As you enter the mall, your walkie talkie rings. You are attacked by a man wearing a slogan T-Shirt reading "consumer metaphor".

>Read the book of pirate insults.

The witty and surreal insults have no effect as the metaphor has had its ears torn off by a flesh eating metaphor of man's inhumanity to man.

>Stab the metaphor with the needle in a haystack.

The mixed metaphors result in a distortion of the timespace continum removing and probably destroying both of the metaphors' meanings and purposes.

You have lost the needle in a haystack.

You have gained a bad pun.

>Examine surroundings.

You are standing in the enterance to a shopping mall. There is something indescribable by ultimately meaningless on the ground nearby. Outside people are fighting, some of them seem to be holding signs. South of your location there are more people walking strangely.

>South.

It is darker here as there is are no windows and the power has not been turned off. People are walking strangely here. Further South it is darker again and although you cannot see them, you can hear what could be yet more people walking strangely. There may also be a bike store to the South too as you can hear what almost sounds like bicycle bells. To the North there is daylight and what could be an exit to the mall.

>South.

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

You stumble into something that is most definitely a racing bike. Fumbling around the bikes sleek frame in an entirely awkward and unerotic fashion you discover it has lights and a dynamo.

Your walkie talkie is ringing again. (Answer, ignore).

>Answer

You answer the walkie talkie and to your shock and horror are attacked by a vicious cycle (which is another kind of bad pun). It has pinned you down on the ground and is likely to finish you off quickly unless you act fast.

>Kill the vicious cycle with the bad pun.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel you find the bad pun which immediately startles the vicious cycle. The vicious cycle, confused and disgusted is attacked by its close cousin. The two battle each other inflicting mortal wounds and dying slowly and noisy.

You have lost the bad pun.

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

You are badly injured.

You stumble into something that is most definitely the same racing bike as before. Fumbling around the bikes sleek frame in an entirely awkward and unerotic fashion you discover it has lights and a dynamo.

Your walkie talkie is ringing again. (Answer, ignore).

>Use the dynamo

Wheezing as you try and cycle in a circle around the store you succeed in lighting up the area somewhat. Something big and vicious looking darts swiftly to lurk in the shadows, probably a grue.

Your walkie talkie is ringing again. (Answer, ignore).

>Drink Potion

You drink the horrific tasting Japanese elfen energy drink. You feel terrible now but are no longer badly injured.

You have lost the potion.

Your walkie talkie is ringing again. (Answer, ignore).

>Answer

A clearly deranged man verbally harrasses you, claiming that when you cut him off early when entering the mall you were rude. He proceeds to talk to you about something that you do not care about. (Apologise earnestly, pretend you're sorry, insult)

>Insult

You are about to insult the man, but reconsider, as his calls on the walkie talkie have nearly killed you twice already, and as they say "third time lucky". (Apologise earnestly, pretend you're sorry, insult)

>Pretend you're sorry

You apologise, and despite incredibly opaque shades of sarcasm he buys it. He reveals he is in the security room, and that the enterance is near the malls delivery warehouse. (Goodbye, Insult, Threaten with violence)

>Insult

You are about to insult the man, but reconsider, as his calls on the walkie talkie have nearly killed you twice already, and as they say "third time lucky". (Goodbye, Insult, Threaten with violence)

>Insult

The man on the walkie talkie goes berserk, talks about the youth of today in generalised tones.

You have received universal brush for tar.

>Insult

The man on the walkie talkie goes berserk, talks about how things were different in his day.

You have received rose tinted glasses.

>Insult

The man threatens to find you and beat you.

>Threaten with violence

The man says to meet him at enterance to the mall so he can "stick his boot up yo ass" (Agree to duel, laugh insult and hang up, apologise like a terrified coward)

>laugh insult and hang up

As you hang up your walkie talkie immediately starts ringing again. (Answer, ignore).

>Drop walkie talkie

You drop the device. It sounds louder than ever on the cold polished concrete mall floor. It sounds like it will attract alot of attention from the strangly walking locals.

You have lost the walkie talkie

>Drop leaves onto the walkie talkie

How many leaves do you want to drop onto the walkie talkie?

>Drop 2,176 leaves onto the walkie talkie

You can no longer hear the walkie talkies annoying beeping.

You have lost the pile of leaves.

>Open barrel

Inside your barrel is a Book of Pirate insults, universal brush for tar, rose tinted glasses, $23.86 in gold and a rusty pipe. You also have a BMX with a dynamo.

>Examine rusty pipe.

The pipe has a gruesome sharp pointed edge at one end. It rattles as if something metal is inside. If you invert the Rusty Pipe something might fall out.

>Invert rusty pipe

A stainless steel cigarette lighter has fallen out. It feels heavier than it looks, and is filled with gassed.

You have received a shiny lighter

You have lost rusty steel pipe

You have received whistling rusty pipe.

>Open barrel

Inside your barrel is a Book of Pirate insults, shiny lighter, universal brush for tar, rose tinted glasses, $23.86 in gold and a whistling rusty pipe. You also have a BMX with a dynamo

>Drop universal brush for tar and rose tinted glasses and gold and barrel and bmx with dynamo.

Dropped. Inside your pockets is a Book of Pirate insults, shiny lighter, whistling rusty pipe.

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

>Burn the 2,176 leaves with the shiny lighter.

The leaves ignite, starting a regular bonfire within the bike shop. It is now as bright as daylight within the shop. For a few brief seconds the walkie talkies can be heard before the circuitboard inside bends, making an amusing twisted parody of the beeping noise before dying out altogether.

Every item in the shop has now been destroyed.

>North

As you turn to head North you see a flash of light, fall to your knees and a rush of pain like you've never felt. A familiar voice berates you for cutting him off, and after a few seconds you realise that you are now being confronted by the lunatic who was talking to you on the walkie talkie earlier.

"I'm gonna stick my boot up yo' ass!" he proclaims.

The demented man kicks you when you are down and your inventory - a Book of Pirate insults, shiny lighter and a whistling rusty pipe - spills from your pockets, barely within arms reach.

Otis the janitor has pinned you down on the ground and is likely to finish you off quickly unless you act fast.

>Take the book of Pirate insults

Seemingly perplex that you did not reach for either of the obvious weapons, you succeed in grabbing the book of pirate insults. He points to the crowd of locals with strange walks.

"Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will."

> Use book of Pirate insults.

You reply "You run THAT fast?!"

He momentarily hesitates from bashing your head in with his walkie talkie, and shouts "You have the manners of a beggar!"

> Use book of Pirate insults.

You reply "I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me."

Distracted, he again hesitates from bashing your head in with his walkie talkie, and shouts " I once owned a dog that was smarter then you."

> Use book of Pirate insults.

You reply "He must have taught you everything you know."

Annoyed at your retort he lowers his walkie talkie again. "You're no match for my brains, you poor fool."

> Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

I do not understand "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries".

Otis the janitor has pinned you down on the ground and is likely to drive a walkie talkie through your skull unless you finish him off fast!

He sneers one last time, and as he raises his walkie talkie he says "By the time I'm finished you'll wish I was just a grue!"

> I AM RUBBER. YOU ARE GLUE.

Otis is dumbfounded and laughes out loud in spite of himself.

> Take the whistling rusty pipe.

You now have a whistling rusty pipe. Otis is still laughing hard and wiping tears from his eyes.

> Kill Otis with the pipe.

Otis stops laughing, and says, "Hey, look, you're all right, lets put aside our differences and be-" right before the whistling sound of the pipe stops, turning his head into a gory piñata. You continue smashing him and his infernal walkie talkie until exhausted you drop the whistling rusty pipe.

Otis' battered corpse is now on the floor.

You have beaten the game! Well done :D