I know I just made a blog last night but right now I really need to make this blog...I'm so upset right now...heartbroken actually. I might as well just say that I did enjoy last night with Jenna, we went to seea movie and I didn't come home until about 11 (Jenna's mom picked us up and dropped me off at my dad's place.) and then I went to bed. I didn't get much sleep last night and I woke up at around 6 in the morning. I'll probably end up taking a nap later tonight or crying myself to sleep. Anyways, at around 10 this morning Jenna called me and apparently had something important to tell me. She said this as nicely as she could but it didn't help...nothing that anyone could do would have made me feel better about the news she told me. She thinks that she is straight and is breaking up with me...well, she already has. When I found this out this morning I was in my room crying for a while and then just staring at the ceiling and thinking that it is somehow all my fault and that I don't deserve to be happy or to even see her again. After a while I decided to come on this site and make a blog. I'm sorry if I seem very depressed and I've put any of you in a bad mood already, I can't help it to be honest at the moment, I'm lucky I'm not crying as I'm typing this blog, but I'm on the verge of tears right now.

To be honest, I'm thinking that I never deserved to be with her. I never deserved to have a girlfriend. I never deserved to be in love or to have a girlfriend who loved me back. I never deserved to be happy. I didn't even deserve to be born. All I deserve is to somehow get AIDs, die a slow, painful death, and then have my shade rot in the Abominable Sands for all eternity...that's all I deserve! I'm such an idiot. I never deserve to see Jenna again as long as I live...I don't deserve to be in the same room as her. I don't even deserve any of you to care about the fact that I'm heartbroken and upset, I deserve to get beat up and killed...that's what I deserve. I can't help but think that I did something, or that the entire thing was my fault. And I'm not angry at anyone either, it was all my fault, and I'm just upset...I probably managed to screw up somehow.

Right now I'm just completely upset and heartbroken. I mean, I'm glad that Jenna probably won't have to face the harsh judgement and persecution that LGBT peoples inevitably need to face and that she will go on to lead a pretty normal life, but that doesn't mean that I like breaking up with her. Before we even started going out, we were great friends and she was the one who wanted to go out with me actually, and it's because of that that I got to "experiment" and come to terms with myself. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have known that I was a lesbian and when I did find out I don't think I would have been able to accept myself as quickly and I would have had a harder time coming out. She was probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, when we were going out I was the happiest I've been in years. And now she's gone, pretty much removed from my life, and I know she probably hates me and wants nothing to do with me. To her I'm probably just some homosexual freak and she would rather forget about me and the thought of ever possibly being a lesbian.

I hate this! Why did I ever have to fall in love?! Why am I such an idiot?! I don't want to feel this way, I'd rather be dead and be a shade rotting in Hell, then I would be in too much physical pain to think about my emotional pain! Right now I feel worse than I did during my parents' divorce or when I found out that I wasn't supposed to be born. I don't want to leave the house today, I don't want to go outside, there's light outside and people are happy. I don't want to see those people, I just want to sit in my dark room and wallow in self pity and cry until I die. I don't even want to finish this blog right now. I wish I was dead, or I had some STD and was on the verge of death (an STD would be a fitting death for me, I'm a homosexual.) then I wouldn't be concerned about being heartbroken. I can't even finish this blog...I'm too upset. I'm gonna go in my room and cry, I'm on the verge of tears right now. I hate life right now and I do not want to wish you farewell, I'm not trying to be rude, I just can't. -MightyBFan25 (Alicia)

EDIT: I couldn't get to sleep and I've been trying at it for over an hour now but it hasn't worked. So I decided to come back on this site and headbang to the most angsting Iced Earth music I can and edit this blog. In case any of you actually care (which you shouldn't...none of you should care about my life anymore, I'm a worthless dumb*ss who doesn't deserve to live...and I'm not even worth talking to anymore, I'm an emotional trainwreck...) at around 8 I called Jenna and wanted to talk to her for a little while. She actually agreed to talk to me. Just the thought that she would even want to hear my voice again made me happy (which I don't deserve...I deserve nothing but death and eternal damnation) and maybe she doesn't completely hate me. She could tell that I was upset over the phone...I told her that she shouldn't even care about how upset I am and that I deserve it. But she said that tomorrow she will come by my place at around 1 and then we'll do something, as friends. I don't deserve it...I don't deserve to see her ever again...I didn't even deserve to hear her voice again! I really just will be happy to see her and be with her again one last time, even though I don't deserve it, or to be happy. I'm so selfish...I'm so upset and busy feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity that I can't even be happy that Jenna won't lead a life of harsh judgement and persecution that LGBT people have...but I can't even bring myself to do that. I'm pathetic. I really wish this was all just a nightmare and I would wake up, or that this was some test that Jenna had planned for me to see if I really cared about her...but neither of those are true. I wouldn't even care if the second one were true...I would love that...I wouldn't care about any of the emotional pain that I have been through so far...I could easily forget about that to be with her again. Well...I don't think I'll be able to get to sleep tonight, I'll just be in my bedroom listening to angsting Iced Earth music (right now I'm listening to "Diary" by Iced Earth) and once I'm through with that I think I'll just cry until I hopefully fall asleep. I don't even deserve to get any sleep...I don't deserve that...maybe an eternal slumber and then having my shade go the Abominable Sands though... Well...I hope Jenna will actually remember about me tomorrow at 1 and the sight of her doesn't make me even more of an emotional trainwreck than I already I am. Well...I need to end this blog...I'm on the verge of tears again and I'm going to go in my bedroom and cry now. I personally hate crying and letting down my guard and I hardly ever cry but right now I don't care...I can't even help myself now...I need to cry. -MightyBFan25 (Alicia)

SECOND EDIT: I don't feel like making another entire blog today so I am just going to edit this one. I have something important to tell you actually. Well...last night I didn't get any sleep, I couldn't fall asleep at all and ended up "waking up" (really, just leaving my bedroom) at around 6 and decided to come on this site. After I did a few things on this site I took my radio and a few Iced Earth CD's and went outside on the porch and blasted music as loud as I could, singing all the lyrics to the most angsting songs I know by them. I would have went on the roof, but I'm not allowed to go up there. I spent about two hours doing this. The last song I listened to outside was "Creator Failure"...fitting...I felt like a total failure at the time. After the last few lyrics of the song which were: "A FAILURE OF CREATION...ABOMINATION!!!"...I turned off the music and started crying and talking to myself about how much I missed Jenna. One of the next door neighbours was on his porch doing laundry and said something along the lines of: "Shut up, you freak!"...I didn't bother with him, even though the comment was offensive, it's understandable that he would be angry at me, I was probably annoying him with my ridiculously loud angsting Iced Earth music and crying. Then I took my stuff and went into my bedroom to put it away. Then I took a shower and got dressed up somewhat nicely and went into my bedroom to cry. The only reason I bothered with dressing up somewhat nicely is because Jenna would be coming over my place later that day (she promised she would come over my place at around 1). After that I was just in my bedroom crying, waiting for her to come over. It felt like an eternity. However, I managed to lose track of time like an idiot and when she came over my place my dad let her in the house and she came into my bedroom without me even noticing...so she caught me crying like an idiot. I couldn't even look at her...I just had my head buried in my pillow and I apologized for acting the way I was. Then she asked me why I was so upset, and I told her that I still was far from being over breaking up with her and that I missed her and everything else. Jenna said something along the lines of: "You don't need to be upset about that. I wasn't going to tell you for a few more days but you seem to be taking this much harder than I thought you would. The whole thing was a test. I'm not straight and I'm not really breaking up with you." I didn't believe her...I thought it was all a lie and it was too good to be true...it was just my mind playing tricks on me. But...she really was telling the truth...it was a test...I thought it could have been but I didn't think Jenna would do something like that to me ever. She did apologize for what she did to me and the emotional turmoil I went through in that short time. I of course accepted her apology...and I wasn't upset at her at all, I could never be angry at her, I'm just happy that I don't haveta go through my life without her, at least for now.:D The only thing I did tell her was something along the lines of: "You didn't haveta test me to know that I love you. You know I love you and that my heart is fixated upon you. Please just take my word for it. And promise me that you'll never do anything like that to me again." She promised she wouldn't, which I was glad about. I really don't care thought that she testedme and unintentionally put me through all that emotional turmoil...she promised she would never do it again. And to be honest, I can understand why she would be curious and want to test me and see if I really love her. I'm just glad it was a test and I apparently passed it and none of that was real (well...it was...but it was all a test so it kinda sorta wasn't) and we are together again. :D After that...well...we went on a walk back to that area with the tower that we carved our names into. We left and went our separate ways for the day at around 2:30 and then I came home at around 3 and I'm back on this site. Jenna did say that she felt bad about what she put me through...I told her not to worry about it and that I was fine now. I really am to be honest...I knew I would be if it were just a test. I need to call her later tonight. And now I'm going to log off of this site and go play in the mud...I haven't done that for a while and right now I'm too happy to just stay inside. :D Well...at least now I feel better than I ever have before...I don't think I realized how much I loved Jenna until I thought she had left me...I took my relationship with her for granted, but I won't do that ever again! :D I'm just sorry if I really annoyed any of you with my depressing mood yesterday and this morning or made you feel upset because of it...I really couldn't help it I guess. Now at least I know how I will act if she ever really dumps me for reals...hopefuly I'll never haveta feel that again though...or at least for a while. Well...now I must bid you all farewell and go play in the mud. :D :P Arrivederci. -MightyBFan25 (Alicia)