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Two Worlds
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Ok. So here's the thing:

Over the past few months, I've gone on a fiendish binge for 360 games. Mass Effect, Call of Duty 4, Halo 3, and NBA2K7 have all took their individual toll on my mortality. After all of that, I was feeling bold.

...Did you know that rental stores STILL carry games?? Even "next-generation" ones! It was at my local rental location that I saw a slew of games that I would've felt irrevocably guilty about purchasing just based on the fact that a common review would refer to it as a "rental". I guess it's only logical that I go to the rental store and replenish my adrenaline with said rentals, yes?

Enter the hype.

You ever have those friends that won't shut up about a certain game? Don't reference Halo for this for the simple fact that Halo is credited with phenomenal reviews, a dedicated fan base, and a system that fundamentally works. I mean when friends tell you how freaking leet a game is over and over and over and over and over and over. So **** bad that every time you look on your friends list, there's that game idling next to their name.

Something like...

[Friend] DUDE. DUDE. OMG.
[Adrian] Yes?
[Friend] Two Worlds. Just. **** man. ****.
[Adrian] Yeah?
[Friend] So I'm like, Level 690. And I totally was wtfpwning all night 'cause [co_worker_1] and I were totally up all night just wtfpwning.
[Adrian] What makes it so great?
[Friend] I'M LEVEL 691!
[Adrian] But you just said you were level 69...
[Friend] I LEVELED WHILE TALKING TO YOU AT WORK. THAT'S HOW **** CORE IT IS. JUST, ****

I think he actually kept going on about it, but I was kinda weirded out by his khaki-wrapped boner so I just went the other direction.

So at the rental store I heard the words that will forever haunt me: "Would you like to rent this title for 1 night, 2 nights, or 5 nights?" I'm no stranger to MMORPG nor to games that have the word "level" involved with it... 5 nights seemed like a no-brainer. I don't remember how much I paid at this time, but I remember the smile of deception upon the clerk's face as they handed me the game; almost as if they knew what was awaiting me.

Now before I go any further, know this: I'm all about the "benefit of the doubt". I really, really, really am. I understand how some games can take a while to blossom to fully immerse yourself in their world and blah blah cookie-cutter remarks about "giving it time".

In any event, the first thing I'm greeted with is this orchestrated medieval tune to remind me of how completely stellar this game is going to be. Not only that, but it's perfect character creation music as well. I've had the pleasure of playing games that allow you to create a you so in depth, that it matches the you seen in your mirror while drunk. The Smackdown wrestling series is notorious for the amount of options available to you.

It's truly difficult to captivate everyone with the amount of options available in two worlds, so I've provided a Photoshop drawing to display them to the best of my abilities.

This is where the experience truly begins. I don't mean that in a sense to foreshadow the gameplay or story, but rather the awesomeness that is Two Worlds.

So my dude is all riding on a horse like a BAMF when suddenly, this chick just kinda falls off my horse. This is where I'm first introduced to my character's speech. He's all like "Wtf, why didn't you tell me you were all pwned?" And this chick suddenly replies with the mother of all mistakes of things to say:

It's bad enough I have to read it, but it's accompanied with some of the worst voice acting to ever be put on a video game. It's like if you took the voices from every late night Cinemax film (ie: The busty & sexually addicted cop who wants to be taken seriously and won't let corrupt sex compromise her arrests) and told them to make Two Worlds sound like a medieval, 3 a.m. film. This ultimately leads to more prithees, verilys, and thous than any Old English documentation in history. I understand what the game is trying to do: it's trying to IMMERSE you. It wants you to bring realism to the fact that you are playing a medieval game.

After that, I'm given some BS mission about going to some castle and doing something. I actually don't remember it much outside of how much sense it didn't make. I just remember entering the castle and thinking, "Man this is a terrible looking castle." Then there were some goblin-esque things in the corner I had to go dispose of with my [default_weapon_x]. No sooner do I enter the castle am I basically told to gtfo of it by the game to talk to my employer/obscure_villager outside.

NOW I have to basically walk my happy ass back to the village while avoiding the dangerous terrain made up of poorly made textures and MS Paint grass. Anytime I tried to attack something, I pretty much got my ass kicked. I think it had something to do with the fact that my guy wasn't even swinging at the enemy. He was swinging where he anticipated the enemy to be... and the enemy was NEVER there. Hell, I think I even got destroyed by a pack of warthogs. I wouldn't have minded as much if it was like, a pack of Halo warthogs... but they weren't. They were the mammals. Mammals don't have engines. Or turrets. And I STILL got pwned.

I eventually got bored and tried to slay a villager. Fortunately for me, this villager in particular had a sword crafted from the beard of Chuck Norris and put me out of my misery pretty hastily. When I tried to pass through the village again, I was given an ultimatum...

[Villager] Verily I sayeth unto thou, why u forsaek frendship n try to pwn thine coveted village??/

[MyGuy] Because this world sucks. I went into a castle for no reason only to get my ass kicked by a pack of warthogs without turrets when I could've just stayed on my goddamned horse to begin with.

[Villager] Verily forsooth.

[MyGuy] Wait, what?

[Villager] U r a jester knave! Thee merriment doesth thou embrace in the darkness of thine own blindness! And for this, verily, do thee a pay fee of 100,000 gold to traverse our land of weary civilians!

[MyGuy] ...you want me to pay you to walk through this town without being attacked because I got my ass kicked by you in one hit?

[Villager] Verily!

[MyGuy] Choose your answer:
1) I guess I can fork over 100,000 gold.
2) I have no idea what's going on.
3) How about I just threaten to kick your ass and then run past all the villagers to the next NPC available?

*selects 3*

[Villager] n00b! a thousand swords will fall up on your body marking it as their home!

I honestly don't remember much after that since I took the game out. The next time I saw my friend, he was so excited after he saw Two Worlds next to my Xbox Live tag. I knew by that khaki-clad boner that he just couldn't wait to talk about it.

I punched him in the face.

I'm still proud of my 0 achievements in that game to this day. I hate you khaki-clad, wtfpwning, boner friend.

Rental stores should sell alcohol.