I thought it would be the first post-launch Wii game from a third party that would have my heart pounding, my hands sweaty and my face grimacing. I thought I'd be having the time of my life - or, at least, a reasonably good time - playing this newest incarnation of a famous franchise that had lost its way. I thought that by doing what the mascot does best - going fast - the game would be a nice comeback, a small triumph at worst.

Oh Sonic and the Secret Rings , I thought wrong.

I bought this puppy on Friday of the week that it released, which was the week of February 20th. This past Friday, just barely a month later, I chucked it in the "Guitar Hero II for Xbox 360 Fund". (Humorously enough, the last time I sold a game back this quickly was when I got Sonic Adventure 2: Battle for the Gamecube.)

The easy guess?

"Wii's third party games sux0rs because they put stupid controls on thems that not works!!! omfgrofl."

Nope. Not even close. In fact, the use of the Wiimote's motion sensing is really well done - holding it sideways, all you do is tilt left and right to make Sonic veer to the left and to the right. When jumping, you jolt the thing towards the screen to make Sonic attack enemies. To bring the hedgehog to a screeching halt, you pull back as if you were yanking back the reins of a horse. It's intuitive, it's responsive, and it works.

The problem isn't even in the very basic, core game design - well, for the most part, at least. Sonic is on rails, really, and all you're responsible for is making him jump, veer left or right, or stop. His forward movement is taken care of, and when he gets going, he gets going. Thus, we're inclined to think that this game is really catering to Sonic fans of old - fast, fast, fast, fastfastfast and nearly on-rails gameplay

It works like that... at first.

Then Sega throws stupid goals at you - things like "Collect 30 rings" or "Don't break any urns" or "Kill 5 enemies". Ok, so "stupid" is subjective, sure. It's here where I realize that the entire thing either falls apart or comes together depending on who you are. Me? I liked and continue to like Sonic (in its most recent successful incarnation, Sonic Rush ) for the on-rails speed. Sure, I'd re-visit stages, slow down and try to collect rings to challenge myself - but that was at my leisure, in incarnations of Sonic that allowed me to manually control the dude.

What Sega does with Sonic and the Secret Rings is to give you a control scheme that's so awesomely suited to just blaze through levels with almost reckless abandon, then take away that sensation by cautioning you to - nuh uh! - not break some stupid @#($& urns. It's almost infuriating. Sonic, for me, has always been the counterpoint to Mario's careful, skill-based and precise gameplay: eye-on-the-ball reflexes and the ability to play carelessly then correct at the last moment ruled the day. You didn't necessarily have to be incredibly careful - just alert.

Here, it's like they want you to tip-toe around things. Hell, half of the obstacles that you're supposed to kill / not break / whatever are kind of sitting there to be discovered by trial-and-error. Instead of things being almost instinctual, it becomes almost a memorization game because of the 3D nature of the vantage point and the lack of direct control you have over Sonic.

And then there's just how it's all put together in the first place. The "Blasting through a Sonic Game" mentality should be applied throughout the game's design - that means not only in the core gameplay and level designs, but also with regards to just getting into the game. You start up the game. You see some silly cutscene. You start the first level, and just go go go go. Advance to the next stage, keep on going, maybe another cutscene or two, and keep on going.

Here? Not a chance. You beat a stage, or at least a "mission" in the stage, and you're booted back out to the Menu screen. Then you choose your next mission. Then you confirm, and choose your "equipped ring" which I won't even get into. Then you confirm that ring. Then you wait for the level load. The entire process from beating a mission/level and starting a new one takes about 15 - 20 seconds all told, which - on paper, doesn't sound so horrid. But when you're itching to just continue on, it gets really annoying. Let's not even mention the irritating pseudo-metal music playing in the background...

Could this have been fixed? Certainly. The core gameplay is sound. Pare down the stupid "missions" - if you want to set goals, limit them to speed runs and ring collections. Or, make things like the dumb urn-breaking goal optional for unlockable challenges or "experience point" boosts (yeah, there's an Exp. system in the game, which allow you to map abilities to your equipped rings - see above, particularly the "I won't even get into" part :P). Don't design stages that throw things at you every 10 seconds to bring you to a grinding halt - let Sonic run free.

Sonic and the Secret Rings is a c1assic example of when less can be so much more. All I wanted to do was to run, jump and blaze. It's such a shame - when the game does let you run free, it's awesome. It's got colorful, detailed graphics. The boss battles are actually really fun in that Mario/Zelda event-based strategic sort of way. The Wii control works quite well, too - you don't have to think about them. But it's all just smushed under the stupid weight of goal and mission structure. To be fair, if you want something other than just blazing through levels, then maybe this game is up your alley. Ain't up mine.

The worst part about it is that I couldn't even stand it long enough to finish and review it legitimately. So all you'se gets is this ranty blog post.

The best 3D Sonic, ever? Absolutely.

Is that saying much?

Well, let's see - that's like saying: "This is the least smelly pair of sweaty post-game gym shorts I've ever had the displeasure of wearing on my head!" Is that really a ringing endorsement? You decide.