Every time I introduce my friends to Rock Band or Guitar Hero, I find myself telling them, "Have you ever played guitar before? Well, it's like playing a real guitar. Kind of." Then I mentally flinch as I say that because, as all of you guitarists and string-instrument musicians know, it's not "just like" playing a real guitar.

I'm suspecting that the some of the backlash I hear about, "Oh, it's nothing like playing guitar, don't kid yourself" is due to ego -- and not necessarily wrongfully so. I mean, who wants to readily admit that years and years of musical training and practice can be sort of replicated just by playing a videogame that has one "string" and five "frets"? It's a little demeaning to the time and effort you put into perfecting your hobby / passion / career.

Let's be honest here, though: Fundamentally, at the very core, the idea is the same, and it's the easiest way to get your point across to the person holding the plastic. It's like saying "you swing just like a real batter would" when teaching someone about Wii Sports baseball. No, you're not really going to get the same control over how you pull the ball, or the height at which you swing, but fundamentally it's the same: swing the damned thing.

After getting past the cumbersome task of explaining how the note gems work, here's how I would try explaining how to physically play Guitar Hero / Rock Band guitar to a friend without saying, "It's like a real guitar":

1) The fingers on your fret hand has to be on the correct fret(s).

2) Pressing the fret button itself does not do anything, so you also have to strum to get the note to sound. The strum is what activates the note.

3) Then you get people trying to play repeating green notes by pushing down on the fret AND strumming exactly when each gem comes into contact with the line. So I tell them, no, all you have to do is hold down the fret. You don't have to press it each time. Again: it's the strum that activates the note.

4) Then some peoples' hands start getting tired from doing finger gymnastics -- lifting and putting down different fingers when different notes come down. So I tell them, if it's a "higher" note on the fret-board, you don't have to continually lift your other fingers -- you can leave the "lower" fingers down because of how the physics of a stringed instrument dictates sound.

5) I've never tried to explain how Hammer-ons and Pull-offs work. It's just too complicated to put into kindergarten off-the-street beginner terms.

Wouldn't it just be way easier to say, "Have you played a real guitar? Yes? Imagine it's like that." Immediately, they understand that they don't have to press the green fret button every single time green note comes down -- they can just hold it. They understand that fretting does nothing without actually strumming (finger-tapping notwithstanding; I'm fully aware that you can tap on a hot string and make a sound). They understand the concept behind hammer-ons and pull-offs. The understand how string physics work, and so they're not confused about whether or not they can hold down another button if they're playing a higher note.

Personally, I applied the very basic concept of cello-playing to Guitar Hero when I first started learning the game: You can put your finger somewhere on a string, but (for the most part) it ain't gonna sound until you pull your bow across that string. You don't have to push on the string every single time you want to produce the same note successive times; you just have to bow it. (...but no, you cannot tilt your cello to activate Orchestra Power.)

Next time a friend asks you how to work the plastic guitar, telling them that it's just like a real guitar isn't so bad. Or say what I say: "It's like playing guitar, but it isn't playing guitar." It'll save you a whole lotta breath.

There's another thing that a lot of people argue and cuss over, and that's whether or not playing a real guitar is "harder" than playing Guitar Hero. Honestly, the way I see it, there's no clear answer to this. Like any videogame, musical instrument, sport or otherwise, it's all about how you approach it. It's a videogame. Videogames can be harder than their real-life counterpart, and they can be easier than their real-life counterpart. You're used to doing thing one way, and when you have to adapt to the other, it's a jarring change. Imagine the batter playing Wii Sports is now looking at a ball on a flat screen, unable to control the height of his swing, yet he can hit homers from a pitching machine without a problem.

Here's the deal with Guitar Hero, the way I see it:

Guitar Hero operates on five notes and a note chart that dictates which notes need to be played in order to succeed. There's only one way to play that note. Further, think about the fact that there are only five real notes that you can play, but eight (twelve if you're talking chromatic) notes in an entire scale per octave. In other words, middle C is always middle C -- but the Yellow fret button isn't always A-flat; forget about across songs, too, because we're talking in the same song. When you're a guitarist used to the flexibility of playing any single note multiple ways, or used to being able to play a song by ear via relative or absolute pitch, of course it's going to be difficult training your ear to ignore pitch and getting used to limiting your pitch spectrum to five colors. This is why I just chuckle when people tell me that I should move onto a real guitar just because I can beat Jordan (and also coincidentally relates back to "Guitar Hero is NOT like a real guitar!!!111").

By contrast, if you're a musical neophyte, just having to follow five notes and one string is like reading the Cliff Notes version of War and Peace. Tone deaf? Screw that -- you don't need pitch. Rhythmically stupid? That's ok as long as you're on easy or medium -- the timing of the notes is easy enough to follow. Compare that to first having to learn how to read music -- as a cellist I had to friggin' learn bass, treble, and tenor clef, and then there's alto for viola players -- or memorizing the fret numbers on your guitar to read guitar tabs. Then you have to learn how to pick all six strings effectively, contort your hands into chord positions across those same strings, learn to associate the sound you make (or the note you play) with the almost infinite number of possibilities on the fretboard. Of course it's going to be harder to play a real guitar than it would be to pick up and play Guitar Hero. Someone who's a genius at Guitar Hero but knows nothing about a real guitar will still likely have to contend with the same obstacles.

Then you get people who aren't coordinated enough to follow moving stuff on a screen and associating it with the plastic instrument you're holding, though the same could be said for all videogames with these people. Maybe they'll have an easier time learning and practicing a real guitar, and vice versa: Maybe the tone deaf kid in the corner, who can't sing a lick, plays videogames really well and knows how to deal with the abstraction between screen and controller.

Which somehow leads me to my next stream of thought: I would personally like to yell at the parents who let their kid drop out of high school to play Guitar Hero "professionally." Apparently, the $1000 he's "earned" so far has been in free meals and other freebies and NOT in cash. How he convinced his parents that school was a waste of time, and Guitar Hero wasn't, is frankly beyond me -- especially with how much flak videogames are getting today (but that's another story). At the same time, I'd just as easily turn around and say that if the kid wanted to start a band, and he was good at music, dropping out of high school isn't ideal but it's not as ridiculous as dropping out to play Guitar Hero.

That's not to say that Guitar Hero players are losers, but it's simple logic according to the times: There's still a certain prestige for many people, for better or worse, to becoming a musician over playing games professionally, simply because there's a longer history of playing music as a career over playing games. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying that this is a perception that most people have, and that likely affects first how you'll get paid and second how you'll network and gain followers. Also, you don't necessarily have to be completely talented in every area to succeed in music, first because a band is a team effort and second because "successful bands" are born through different means (it could be lyrics; it could be production; it could be stage presence and/or looks... I hear Sid Vicious couldn't even play bass).

If you want to compete in Guitar Hero professionally, you likely have to be really. Damn. Good. You want to drop out of school and play the guy who FC'ed Through The Fire And Flames (Iamchris4life) in a tournament that will determine your income? Good luck, buddy. Yeah, sure -- Fatal1ty did drop out of school, and his counselor even encouraged him to do so -- but is this kid as good as Fatal1ty was in his game of choice? Will he be good enough to compete against those FCers on youTube? If he is, then bless him, and more power to him. But man -- the kid is 16. Only one (or two, depending on if he's an early-year birth) more year of high school to go. Just graduate at least -- or spend the time to get a G.E.D. Now I'm ranting and rambling, and I apologize. So I'll stop.

Wow. That was anti-climactic... how did we get here again? Here's more bundt cake.