For a change this entry will be strictly about videogames. And yes, it is about the Revolution controller. But it is about the stuff you did not hear. Ever knew that the Tokyo Game Show is in reality a place where people discuss our state of mind? No? Look at the leaked keynote the Nintendo hotshots had ready for this secret and covert seminar.

The truth about Revolution (and mankind)

Tokyo: September 16th, 2005

Nintendo director Mr. Iwata comes up on the stage, the attendees applaud him

Thank you. Thank you. We from Nintendo are pleased to be here, as we have made a breakthrough in psychological research. I'll cut the chase and get right to the point.

Today I want to tell you more about 'Controllerphobia', also known as the extreme fear of more than 6 buttons presented on a videogame controller that is supposed to be held in both hands. We at Nintendo have been making videogame consoles for over 20 years and have witnessed a decline in sales. This is not at all due to our offerings in the software department as the public first suspected. No, the problem lies much deeper.

Back in the 1980's our Nintendo Entertainment System was hugely popular. Of course we had Mario and Zelda to capitalize on this popularity, but we also had a controller that consisted out of four buttons and a directional pad. On top of that it was rectangular. However, after that it seemed the devil had invaded our R&D department as we began to produce much more complicated controllers. At first we did not suspect what kind of reaction this would provoke with the users of our systems, but recent research has revealed the shocking truth. People fear our controllers.

The attendees look genuinely shocked and start to talk.

Please be quiet, I will explain. We have read reports about people leaving the room whenever a GameCube controller was brought into the room. In fact, the best way to get rid of unwanted guests in several Japanese families is to launch a GameCube game and offer your guest a controller. They will leave instantly in utter fear and desperation. This habit is very widespread now and it is concerning.

On top of that the people who have overcome their fears do not know what to do with the controller. Explaining the control scheme of a certain game more often than not resulted in strokes, brain damage and sometimes even people who enter a complete inanimate state of being. Some of our subjects are still being fed with a special probe, others haven't talked for years.

We at Nintendo care for our customers and we care for mankind. We cannot risk the health of our consumers and that is why we have been trying to fix this problem, to cure the people of their fear of controllers and a lot of buttons, and to make sure they do not become braindead after trying out a game where you have to press more than 2 buttons subsequently. Let me introduce you to Prof. Dr. Miyamoto who will show you the solution!

Miyamoto enters the stage, the attendees are very enthusiastic

Hello. As Mr. Iwata said we have been researching a lot and we have tried to fix the results of the reports. To fix the problem we reduced the number of buttons. Yes, there are still a lot of buttons on our controller, but only one matters. The rest does nothing. We have made it big so you cannot overlook it. We also looked at what people use a lot.

1 - Toilet
2 - Alcohol
3 - Homeshopping services
4 - Remote control

We wanted to incorporate all four into one device but quickly found out that flushing the toilet was a bit hard as the same button also orders you an Ab-Trainer with a free knife set, opens you a beer and also changes the channel to the Playboy Channel and immediately orders the Playmate video.

In the end we decided to make it look like a remote control and drop the other extra features. We think people will want to use the remote control. Yes, whenever they will see Mario on the TV screen they will reach for the remote to try to change the channel, but quickly find out it actually controls Mario. Then they will be naturally inclined to play this game. We have no evidence to back this up, but it is logical to assume. Back in the 1980's everybody loved Mario, right?

Complexity is optional with our new concept. It is impossible to properly move around in 3D space without analog control. This is an addition $30, batteries not included which can easily be connected to the remote control. It will contain buttons on illogical places and characters will still be as hard to move around in 3D as they were before, but we already determined that remote controls will get people to play games, right? In short, this is our solution.

Iwata comes back on stage, the crowd goes wild

This is our Revolution. Remote controls are the future. Forget two handed controllers, forget cables, forget clumsy button layouts. Welcome to the world where you will be needing at least 7 additions to your remote to play games, where you will always be out of batteries to put in it, where everybody is fighting for the damned thing and where you always seem to have lost it when you last cleaned your room. This is the future!

The two leave the stage, leaving the people in awe

You have seen the demonstrations. You know how it works, but now you know the philosophy behind it. People are afraid of things you hold with two hands. Nintendo fixed it.