Time To Act Female

Why this header? Well, Pauline told me that getting all worked up about little details is typically female. Now it is my turn to act outrageously female as I'm going all crazy over something that's supposed to be insignificant.

My life is pretty shallow. This is not something I just made up, for over a year I've been constantly confronted with this fact. The thing is, it is a catch 22 situation, pretty much. First I'll tell you what I think it is that makes my life so shallow.

About a year back I entered the first year of my studies. The people I met there are interesting. We went on a short and fun introduction camp where we all got to meet each other for the first time. When people started telling about themselves and what they had done and been through I immediately found out that the story of my life was pretty boring...and short. There are students who have lived in Japan, France, were born on Aruba because the family runs the embassy, whose parents have 'doll theaters' (much like kabuki), who have worked in far away countries. And even people who have recovered from cancer or have lost an arm have at least more life experience than me.

I have lived in this rotten town all my life, pretty much. We never go out much as a family. My parents are divorced and my mom remarried, I'm living with her now. My biological father is pretty smart and has had numerous succesful adventures in the business world. He's your typical self-made man. He never really cared for his kids, though, so my parents got divorced. It was no big deal, really. I did not have a hard time coping with it as my dad was always on business trips. But during the first 6 years of my life I hadn't done all that much. We never went on vacation because my dad was always too busy. We never did cultural stuff because my dad was too busy and my mom had to look after us and the house. Well, at the age of 6 you don't really care.

My mom is quite intelligent herself. But when she grew up women didn't have the same opportunities they have nowadays, especially not in her family. So she hasn't done anything else since she finished highschool. It doesn't make you dumb, but it also doesn't allow you to develop your intelligence and interest a bit further than highschool level. My mom never had much interest in culture. I cannot blame her, really.

She remarried. My stepfather is the best stepfather any kid could wish for, treated me and my brother like his own kids. The thing is, he's not too smart either. Now I'm not the person to consider people's intelligence before liking them, I can get along with trailer trash just as well as with university graduates. But as for the cultural development of his children not being interested in a lot of things sure does not come in handy. My little brother (who is a product of my mom and stepfather) is also severely handicapped because he cannot spend a long time in a car, so we've always been confined to this little town I had spent my entire life in already.

Of course I made friends and I did some stuff that have been broadening my views on life quite a bit but compared to my fellow students...Nah.

You might say that only people who are more extravagant decide to study Japanese. That might well be true, but also when I look around in my group of friends I'm easily the one who's always been a little backwards. Sure, none of my friends have spent a considerable amount of time outside of this country. Well, except for Jack (the grand old man) but he's in his 50s now, and has spent a good 5-8 years of his youth in Denver, CO. But that was in the 1950's, so that does not really count, now does it? And I'm forgetting one who lived in Nicaragua, but that is not a real country :)

The rest are all from relatively regular families. But there's always something about them. Steven is the friend who went to Canada. He took a wonderful opportunity and I'm happy for him, but I do envy him. Not because he's in Canda and I'm not, but because he's been given this opportunity. Pauline's mom is quite the adventurous type so she's seen a lot of things, German (it's his nickname, as you might know) has been on vacation a lot, so he's seen a lot of stuff too. I'm not too sure about Frank, but he seems happy the way he is.

Over the past year I've been running into things a lot among my group of friends that makes me feel imprisoned in this town and my studies. Naturally studying a language brings along a lot of homework and a lot of hours spent at the university. I'm also living quite far away from the uni so I always have to get up early. Today was such a day when I had to get up at 5 AM, so I went to bed early yesterday. Just before hitting the sack Frank called me. He was in the pub with all the others and called to ask me something. One of his lines was: "We're in the pub. We're having fun, and you're not."

He didn't mean it the way it's written above. I know him too well and it's his way of making jokes. I think it was a good joke, but he didn't know he was quite right there. They had fun, I didn't. It's been like this for a long time now, thanks to the fact they live in the city and I in my backward town 45 minutes by bike away from them I cannot go into the pub just like that when I have to get up at 5 AM. I'm at least traveling for 90 minutes in order to get there and to get back home at the end of the evening. Doesn't leave me with much quality time, now does it?

I tried to keep Frank's call short, because those words really hit home with me and I didn't want to be 'tormented' much longer. It felt like the walls of my room were coming right towards me. I've been feeling like this a lot over the past year, realizing how little I have done, and how little I've been able to do so far. True, I explained earlier in this Journal that I'm not the person to live hastily in order to get done as much as possible in my life, but when I'm saying that I mean 'not taking opportunities the minute they arise'. Right now, and for over the past 20 years I have not gotten any, so I have not been able to do anything, even if I wanted to.

This town has imprisoned me. I have no friends here, no perspective and no future. I'm very, very happy with my parents. Let me tell you that they have done an outstanding job in raising me and surround me with love every single day. Still that does not change my town, and the influence it is having on the family. The thing is that the rest of the family doesn't care, while I do.

I really need to get out of here. Moving to the city to live together with Pauline is the right thing to do. I sure hope she doesn't get second thoughts and I also hope the waiting lists for renting apartments are not being as harsh on us in the future as they have been up until now. I really need it, my own place, close to my friends, away from this town that's making me feel like a prisoner. It'll open up the world a little bit more to me, I'm sure, however insignificant it may seem. It means a lot to me, even if I'm stil lgoing to bed at Wednesday nights at 10 PM, not going to the pub with my friends. The thing is that when I'm living in the city I have the opportunity to go and I could decline just like that. When I'm here I cannot go, I have no choice. It's a very small difference.

This might all seem very trivial to you, but there's constantly a new drop of annoyance being put in the bucket. I feel really backward and uninteresting. I know I'm not, to a certain extent, but I often see the surprised looks on the faces of my friends when I tell them things that are normal to them that I have never done before in my life. Bah.

End of rant. I hope some of you can relate.