Tabula Rasa

I used to be a cheerful guy with a positive outlook on life. I wrote about things that were making me a happy guy frequently in this journal and I used to enjoy life. However, over the past year life began to feel like a cage. Part of it is this house, but a bigger part were my studies. It is hard to admit a depression befell me, but it really did. I became a victim of my own dreams.

Not too long ago, a year or four to be exact, I had this dream of going to Japan and study up on Eastern philosophy. For a while I tried to get into the country with only a lot of guts and some money, but it turned out the latter wasn't enough. I needed more money but I didn't want to work and 'waste' precious years I could spend learning valuable stuff.....How wrong I could have been...

Anyways, I started studying Japanese. No better way to get into the country than by goin in through the front door. The first year was a breeze, pretty much. However, I had to devote a lot of time and I started to dislike to full work weeks that were required to keep up, whereas other students had only 10-20 hours a week to spend on studying. Apart from weekends, my social life had come to a still.

I started living together with Pauline, and while my social life did pick up again, my studies never did. I invested time, but after hours of studying I had to admit time and time again that I had learned nothing. I read the words, but I don't remember them. That is unique, my friends can tell you that my memory is extraordinary good, I remember even the most insignificant of details. Still, while the theoretic business like Japanese history and culture were extremely easy for me to pick up and remember, it was the language that wore me out completely.

I've always told myself that I have a knack for languages, which led me to believe that Japanese would be just another language on my hitlist, ready to be checked off. OK, I have to admit that my English is pretty good for a non-native speaker, but learning a language that has no ties to Western linguistics whatsoever is something different. It's rules and grammar you barely udnerstand from the get-go. You have to know everything by heart and memorize every little rule. That sounds like math, and in reality it is math with letters. And math I'm no good at. I'm no good at memorizing stuff until I dream about it.

The problem, perhaps, is in highschool. I have, like I said, a good sense for what is important, I remember stuff that's been told to me, ot stuff that's written down. One read or one listen and I'm done. Most of the courses in highschool are just that. Remember facts. Link them together. This 'trick' (as I call it) I was good at, and the abstract course sI had to memorize from A to Z like math....Ah well, that was only 10% of the highschool menu so I never spent one minute too long on that.

Needless to say I lost the feeling for memorizing. I never did this and right now they required me to do just that in order to fulfill the dream of studying philosophy in Japan. I depressed me. For years I had looked forward to the day I'd get on the plane, for years I'd told myself that I would make it eventually, but over the past year I began to realize that in fact I'd never get there. Several times I've been close to a nervous breakdown, I can tell you.

The dream became a nightmare, and last Sunday I decided to wake up from it and call it quits. I need to break free of the prison that is called Japanese studies. Do you remember what people say about multiple-choice tests? They always tell you to go with what you think of first, usually that is right. Well, initially I had planned to study philosophy right from the bat, and that's what I'm going to do now. Closer to home, more free time, no more Spartan studying schematics and to top it all off, philosophy is just more my thing. Reading and remembering comes more naturally to me.

Finally I can start over. This week I will be cancelling my subscription for next year at the Japanese department and if all goes well I'll be transferring to another city to study philosophy there.

I'm glad I can close this chapter of my life. The dream will remain, however. I still want to go there, I just need to stop telling myself I will get there.