Okay (insert hero's name here), let's take some time to learn your abilities. Use the control stick to move around (just in case you haven't played a video game in like a thousand years). Good, now walk over to the door. Good, now it's time to learn about opening doors. Press the (insert action button) to open the door. Good. If you need to get a better view of your surroundings, use the right control stick to look around (again, you may not have played a video game since the NES, we can't take any chances). Okay, see those dummies/drones/crates/targets? Pressing the (insert attack button or combinations of buttons) will cause you to attack. Try it now. Good, just remember that if your life meter drops to zero, you'll die. So, now onto jumping/vaulting/climbing/crawling..... (another 15 minutes passes). I think you're getting the hang of this, now let's talk about the menu screen for an hour, can't have you just learning as you go..... (1 hour later). Well, now that you've learned the basics, it's time to talk about your other abilities (lock on, magic, psychic powers, whatever) that may or may not be in every other game ever made......... (3 hours of boring tutoirialness later). All right (insert hero's name), it's time to go kill some bad guys, you ready? I said are you ready? Go!.... HEY, WAKE UP!!!!!
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