I do a fair amount of flying, both business and personal. For some reason, security has never been a bother for me. I've seen countless people be ordered to stand in front of body scanners, and countless more get patted down. But never me.

Why not? What's wrong with me? Nobody wants to see my naked body in all its x-ray glory? Nobody wants to get their gloved hands all over this ass and parts beyond? My pride, my self-esteem, my ego...

Well, at long last, it finally happened to me before a flight out of Phoenix. Hooray!

I was instructed to stand in front of the machine, slightly spread-eagled with my hands over the top of my head like I was being arrested. I asked the woman running the machine if I could see the image, and was given a stern "no" along with a suspicious glare. (I didn't think it was an unreasonable request; I was curious to see what I looked like.)

Then I was told I was going to be patted down. Sure, whatever. I've been patted down outside stadiums before sporting events. No big deal. Yes, those are my legs. Yes, that's my ass. Meh. I don't understand why so many people get so upset about this. It's not as invasive as some people clai... WHOA, wtf?!? I wasn't expecting those gloved hands to be THAT friendly. You're supposed to buy me dinner before you get the privilege of reaching 3rd Base. Jerk.