I've just recently found out that my dad died last year. I know not much about the circumstances except that he died alone. Not been in touch with my dad since I moved over 20 years ago and lost contact with him. I kept contact with my dad a secret as he left my mum for another person when I was 12 and talking to him would have meant upsetting her.

I still thought about him over the years and often wondered what he was doing. It came as a bit of a shock when my brother let me know he'd had a letter from the solicitors inquiring about living descendants of my dad concerning his will. Obviously we're all going to die eventually and I have experienced grief through both sets of grandparents dying. This time it feels different. I get memories of my childhood popping in my head every now and then and it's really upsetting. They are good memories I think that's why it hurts so much.

I feel ashamed that he died alone and wish I could have been there for him. I'm getting teary eyed thinking about dad. I'm very much like him with my mannerisms and personality (so I've been told). Not sure how to deal with these feelings I have, especially when I go round to mum's. She has gotten her 'closure' (hate that word) and my brother was not a fan of my dad so much so that he changed his last name to my mother's maiden name as soon as he was able to.

My husband has ben really supportive, so has my cat in her own little way. Just feel pretty upset most days, I suppose it will get easier as time goes on. Now I know how my mum felt when her mum and dad passed.. :-{

Thanks for listening.

- J -