Fucking shit title, well done George. This is a tale about Dayz and one of my experiences with the game so far, so grab a chair, and a dog and sit a while. TWAS A BEAUTIFUL FRESH MORNING ON THE DAY OF SUNDAY. So we're in, myself heading towards my four compadres, currently holding up in Cherno. Listening to my team's paranoia of one another over teamspeak gave me little encouragement, causing me to doubt how they lasted so long... i knew for a fact that my presence would be more detrimental than beneficial given previous experience but we banded together none the less.

I soon came to realize (again) the power groups have in this game, as the five of us tore through the city. We came across a few stray survivors... none of which survived. I mean, being the new comer and only armed with a baseball bat i still beat an unarmed man to death... just to steal his shades, fabulous. We chased two guys before deal the final blow or two, we were the bad guys, the guys i'd come to hate in the past. WHO AM I?! We all chosen our new uniform, bright yellow raincoats and the payday clown masks, myself choosing the "no pants" look. We headed inland, on a brutal high.

THE FIGHTHHAHHTUHE|! You know the hospital and the apartment buildings? C'mon you know, don't lie to me. Moving through the hills we saw another heavily armed group, obviously they we're a threat (out of the way and keeping to their own business) we opened fire... at least my teammates did, still only armed with my bat (named Eleanor) i just gave moral support. The fight was brutal and long, i died quick trying to charge them down, thankfully re-spawning only five minutes away. The final survivor was one of ours.... was it worth it? I don't know.... i don't know anymore.

We gathered what we could, unfortunately our group was split once more and we we're down hard on all supplies. We decided to regroup and start a fresh. Li (we'll call him - team member playing as an Asian feller) had somehow lost the ocean and somehow ended up deep inland, i don't even know how, i really don't. We decided to forgo this brutal ocean life style and head inland to find Li. The four of us followed the road inland desperately searching for supplies, i should probably mention at this point that one of our team was quite disturbingly determined to collect our blood, despite almost being dead ourselves. By the time we'd reached the town Li was located in we had a good collection of varied supplies. Blood, vitamins, rotten food, other various medical supplies, you name it!

We met up with Li on the hillside, himself almost dead from starvation and blood loss. No worries, creepy blood guy is here. So apparently you need to make sure you've got the right blood type before you give someone blood, the more you know. Completely ignoring that, bloody as he'll be known proceeded on with the transfusion. Did it work? Nope. At thus Li was put into a standing coma. HE WAS MAGNIFICENT, somehow he had his compass out and was stood with his head facing the sun... but was unconscious. We searched the town desperately for anything to help but.... we got bored. We fed Li everything we had, we even gave him medical alcohol, that'll be one hell of a hangover if he wakes. We handcuffed him which was just hilarious, the animation got stuck in a loop and it was just beautiful.

Eventually i came up with an awesome idea (braggin yo.) We'd take Li's own blood and then transfuse it back into him. It was risky but we had nothing left. It worked! Li was back! Naked and handcuffed we celebrated the return of our friend on that hillside in the sun. We had trouble but with the return of the team i'm feeling good about the future and i know... that we won't last long at all, we're a fucking mess at the best of times.

I'm going to tell you a tale about my experience with Rome 2 so far. Grab a seat, or not, i don't care. I'M TELLING THE STORY. Let's get cracking, yo. So i started the game dancing around in my seat like a little school girl who just found out Bieber had died. EXCITEMENT. As a veteran of the series (brushes imaginary dirt off shoulders) i went straight for the new campaign, Iceni in my sights (go big horns.) Why? I hear you ask. Tiss cus i'm British and i'm supa patriotic. I kid, i just love those fabulous uniforms. I'm a sucker for anything in baby blue.

It begins! Placed in the now London we start fast and we start hard. That is of course after getting to grips with the slightly simpler interface and additional features which i'm not sure about yet, but hey! What do i know? I'm drunk. I took a glance around MY BRITANIA to see three other factions being where they shouldn't be, time to get to work. The adviser... advised me to try and ally myself with the Dumonii; a tribe of the same blood located in Southwest of Britain. So the obvious choice was the Welsh.

My army, so called the Woad Warriors would taste their first kill soon enough. I was pleased with the name, traditional and manly. They will serve me well... oh hell i would be proven wrong later. I dispatched the Demetae with ease, dispatching a faction and capturing a new settlement within two turns, good stuff! I decided to try my hand at diplomacy, unfortunately just about everyone surrounding me is aggressive and deceitful, we're in it for the long haul lads!

The Brigantes we're next on my naughty list. Located in North England in the lovely, peaceful Ebarokon settlement. Lovely people, great food. I decided to make use of both my armies for this little encounter. Ebraucus' Vanquishers; what i assumed was my faction leader's army would join the Woad Warrior vets. At this point I'd grown emotional attached to our general of the Warriors. Spoiler - It doesn't end well. Nevertheless we marched.

With both armies lined along the boarder, i initiated diplomacy and declared war and these no good pretenders. Moving my armies forward I'd only have to wait one turn before I'd capture and destroy my enemy. I clicked end turn and waited, expecting the Brigantes to cower behind their... huts. Nope. They marched their entire army straight past my own and headed towards my Welsh settlement Moridunon. Thus began the biggest pain in my side.

Solutions, not problems. Not to worry i thought, I'll transfer troops so that my small army of Ebraucus' Vanquishers could capture the now defenceless settlement while my now larger Woad Warriors (YEAAAAAAHHHH) give chase. Damn they're quick bastards. In my assault i'd left my other two settlements defenceless and so my first settlement was lost as quickly as i'd captured it. However we engaged the enemy and my beautiful Woad Warriors proved victorious yet again despite leaving the enemy and a moderate number. Three settlements now lay in my hands *Evil laugh*.

The remnants of the Brigantes retreated to the sea and began to move back towards their original settlement in the north. My numbers were few up there so again the Warriors gave chase... You know what i'm going to cut this short. No joke, the bastards literally sailed around Britain attacking and raiding my settlements that had no defence. With no navel power and only one army i was like a turkey in a pig pen, dirty. After about eight frustrating turns we got them. We slaughtered every last one of them. It felt good, things we're finally starting to get back on track.  

Now in hindsight i probably could've done with resting up for a number of turns before looking to the Caledones (Scots) but this train is moving! With the Ebdani (Irish) already punishing them i thought i could get an easy grab. The Warriors would move on foot up north while the Vanquishers would hit them from the sea, GOOD PLAN ME! Feeling good and ready my general of the Warriors is wounded by an assassination attempt from the Other Chiefs (Politics man, **** politics) my fragile little heart did jump when i saw that my now dependant upon general was only wounded for two turns. I replaced him with a young, phresh general and continued north!

After a few quick dispatches from my poison master scout i was ready. The Warriors led the charge, i maintained the siege while i got my navy in position. I fudged up, turns out that settlement isn't actually a coastal settlement so i had land my second army and continue on foot. We're balls deep now. The assault began, they more than doubled our number and i may have forgotten to check if the settlement had walls before beginning the assult. They did. With a lack of any siege equipment, this would be troubling. 

GO SLINGERS GO!!! I picked that gate i would attempt to break. A small little thing hidden away next to a large wall... filled with enemy slingers. This will do nicely. The only comfort was the fog hiding the rest of the enemy force, if you can't see it, it isn't there. Best advice my high school teachers ever gave me. My general and two units of spear levy would see to the burning. The Woad Warriors don't mess about, they get the job done! THEY FIGHT LIKE MEN! My general died before the gate even fell. Pelted by numerous pebbles, they'll tell tales of his valor and how he died like a hero... but he really didn't, it was a mess. 

The skirmish continued. My slingers in the hills outside the walls against theirs. It went surprisingly well considering. I racked up about 400 kills from my six slingers before they ran out of ammo. AMMO, I NEED SOME AMMO HERE. Now with only one opening to the settlement and the entire enemy army waiting behind that small gap i was limited in my options to proceed. My units were better, however they still had about 1000+ on me and that shit crazy. 

Say bye. I charged into the breach with my entire force. My computer almost cried and died. Zoomed all the way out and hovering away from the main battle i tried my best to make the random slaughter at least somewhat tactical. The losses were great however to my surprise we weren't losing. Slowly the battle bar turned in my favour and victory was ours. Yaaaaayaayyayay. I captured the settlement and made my once wounded wonder the general of The Woad Warriors once more.

The plague hit and he died. Poor shame man, he was so happy to be back. I could tell. We had this connection. After the capture the Warriors are few in number and now being led by someone from the.... Other chiefs. GASPS! We're Elder Chiefs, yo! Apparently. This is where my story ends, i will rebuild the rather unfortunate Warriors back to their former glory. My latest addition was a fleet by the name of The Scourges of the Sea. I'm feeling good about this. Everything's gonna be alright.

Do you like people? Good! Because i don't. HAHA We get along so well, want to be friends?