Well, I figured I'd stay up late. I've been tired all night but I don't really want today to start. But I guess it will continue on wether I want it to or not. It seems I'm quickly running out of reasons to even get up in the morning as it seems each day becomes a struggle in and of its self for me. Getting the end is a victory for me in which I get to enjoy a few brief hours a solititude before it starts all over. Its my cycle, work school, ? sleep. The question mark is left for misc things i may do. enjoyable or not. Most of the time not enjoyable its merely killing time or keeping me awake so I don't have to face my dreams or the start of the day. Something is wrong.

It seems at work my phrase has quickly become "I hate my life" and every time I say it with a smile and a small chuckle. I often wonder am I just hiding my feelings? Do I really feel that way and the only for me to feel comfortable voicing my opinion is in a joke. Do I mean it when I say it. How could this odd phrase become a common thing for me? I must have said it a lot for it to stick with me. Do I hate my life? I ask myself this a lot. I just haven't figured it out. I some how feel out of place and in the right palce at the same time. I feel like I don't belong where I am but I'm in the exact place I need to be life. Its a very odd feeling that really has be boggled. How do I go about this problem. If I'm where I need to be that doesn't mean I'm going to feel right. I could merely just be having some problems adjusting or I'm meant to feel this way. Why though. I tend to think there is a reason for everything. That if you could peer outside of zone of time and look at your life from a logical and unemotional stand point every event in our lives would have some logical conclusion for it. As these events add up each one has the sequetal event or events logically placed to put us in the next event that we need for our life. Pardon my grammar it is late for me. Back to this feeling. I don't know what else to do but accept it. Fighting it will only distance me, ignoring leads to me zoning out and all out avoiding my problems. How do I go about accepting that I need to be here but don't belong. I think time will tell me what the answers are. I've been getting that feeling when I wake up. I can tell what the day is gonna be. Good bad. It doesn't shape my mood but when I wake up with the good feeling, it can make me be a bit more optomistic. The bad days well, they tend to have a lot of stress.

My intition on these days have been spot on. Which forme is pretty good. I tend to follow my gut quite a bit and his skills at making choices is well sub par. To have him on a good streak makes me feel better. I'll start trusting him again. Though, with the new week starting I can't help but feel that I'm at a week of rest, perhaps a time in which something good will happen. I'm a bit optimistic for something to happen this week, but I think getting there will be the problem. But I'm sure I'll manage.

I think a lot of stems from the fact that I've lost my people to confide it. I hate talking to my parents as most of it turns to you need help, and then followed by we are worried about you. The mere fact that I don't want people to worry about me is probably a cause of discontent for me as I tend to keep things away from people I care about the most. I use to confide in my friend Y but after awhile things don't change for me and I feel bad for bringing up some similiar things over and over. I'm sure she doesn't care and is tired of hearing so I stop talking about it. It seems we haven't had a conversation like that in a long. We use to do it all the time. but I think things have probably moved backwards for me and her. I donno. Either way. On the spirtual front things really haven't been better. I feel like I've gone through a series of trials each one with a small reward at the end of it that will eventually lead up to what all this crap is taking me through. I feel one step closer as this week ends. As generally I use church as a renewal and volenteering as my day to focus on for something good to happen. I got through the week without both. Giving me a new found strength. I add on some extra challenges to it to make this trial period a bit harder for me. Making it a much sweeter victory. This week I get church and volenteering making me feel better at the very least.

Seems thsi was a bit of an "emo" post but it is what it is. Its merely a vent or something to confide in. Enjoy