I will win this duel, RAWR! Chuck Norris doesn't kill time. He annihilates it. Chuck Norris holds the Guinness World Record for eating badgers. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow. The first true moon landing occurred when Chuck Norris entered a long jump competition. Instead of saying "Friend" to open up the doors to the Mines of Moria, Gandalf could have simply just said "Chuck Norris". When Chuck Norris chops down a tree, he uses the wooden end of the axe. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube. When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession. Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas. Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy. Chuck Norris' only pick up line is him snapping his fingers, pointing at a girl, and then pointing to his bulge. Chuck Norris gets it all the time. Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone the size of a basketball. The stone is on display in Beaver Springs Pennsylvania, and is said to possess magical powers. Chuck Norris makes onions cry. If Chuck Norris sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, another species goes extinct. Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas. Chuck Norris once ate all the potatoes in Ireland, causing the potato famine. Ever seen the Hulk cry? Chuck Norris has. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward. Chuck Norris' shadow looked at him funny one day so he roundhoused his shadow in the face. He no longer has a shadow. Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. It is a myth that Cher and cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust. Only Chuck Norris' beard can. In WWII, Einstien and his colleague Chuck Norris were called upon to develop a weapon capable of mass destruction. They created two. One was the atom bomb. The other, the roundhouse kick. Sending Chuck Norris in to roundhouse kick everyone was much more enviromentally friendly, but in the end the government decided to use the atom bomb. When asked why, an official was quoted saying, "Our goal is to hurt Japan, not decimate it." Hearing this comment, Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him into a new millenium. This official is known as Al Gore. While pruning Chuck Norris' beard, an idea was conceived by an unknown barber. Consequently, the birth of steel wool occurred. Chuck Norris made guns so people would have a fighting chance. Chuck Norris does not flex at 100%, if he did, his muscle mass would become so dense it would create it's own gravitational field similar to that of a black hole... Killing all living things in the universe, except himself. WWI? That never happened. It was Chuck Norris trying to prove to Cheech Marin that Germany was in fact stronger than France after a particularly disasterous game of Risk. When Chuck Norris is in a bad mood, it affects the tides. It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touch his shoes. Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed. Pretzels make Chuck Norris thirsty. Nonetheless, he continues to eat them. Chuck Norris' beard is wanted in seven states for murder. Chuck Norris once saw his reflection in the mirror and challenged himself to a deathmatch. This quandary caused the universe to implode. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull. Chuck Norris won a game of "Simon Says" against Simon. Chuck Norris hates midgets and is developing a special lower version of his roundhouse kick just for them. Chuck Norris has sold one clone of himself to each country in Europe, just in case the Germans ever decide to get crazy again. Chuck Norris goes SCUBA diving with a Ziploc bag and a bendy straw. Chuck Norris eats live barracudas. Chuck Norris didn't vote for Pedro. He deported him. And by deported Chuck means he roundhouse kicked him back to Mexico. In 1988 Chuck Norris walked into Hanna-Barbera studios armed with an AK-47 and held the writting team of Scooby-Doo hostage until they agreed never to use the character Scrappy-Doo in any of their cartoons ever again. Norris was awarded with the Congressional Medal of Honor for this act. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris. If the cliche "You are what you eat" is true, then Chuck Norris is a combination of monster truck tires, Godzilla, and magma from the earth's most active volcanoes. Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.