As surprised as I am at myself for not having typed one of these in so long, considering how much I love to type, now seems like a good time to mention that I've been accepted into the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. I feel this is important information (more so to myself than anyone else) because it is my final decision and I have accepted the acceptance, despite whatever I was blathering about in my blog before last. Am I excited? I might have been, if it weren't for the feeling of impending doom that I have.

I have kept Computer Science as my intended major and, if anyone cares on a slightly related note, started and finished taking classes at a local community college while trudging through high school. However, something is awry in Wonderland. I'm not feeling it. It? Forgive me, that feeling of intense determination. That I have a dream and nothing will stop me! It's not there.

I'm going to begin a descriptive chain of events/thoughts, so prepare yourself reader. I believe it began when I decided to join my high school's Math League. I joined because I needed some form of work or study since my high school classes were, and continue to be, a joke. Also, I figured I could prove myself to myself, and that I would need a little touch up in math anyways since math goes hand-in-hand with my major. Much to my dismay, the training made me miserable.

I had passed all of the required math classes at my school and to avoid being stuck with kids from my class in Trigonometry/Pre-Calculus, I took Probability and Statistics with the class a year above me. Trigonometry was actually a serious class, and much more so than compared the the Prob. & Stats. joke I took. What I mean to say is that I wasn't learning math in school while I was in Math League. In any case, it had been so long since I'd taken a real math class, that I had forgotten everything including some of the Algebra I basics. It was not only embarassing that I couldn't do the math, but a blow to my self-esteem that re-learning the rules didn't come to me easily. That was last school year, and it's gone downhill from there.

Since 10th grade or so I've had a flexible rule in place: That if I have any outstanding homework, I am not allowed to touch a game until the homework is finished. Initially, this was to motivate me. A reward system, if you will. I finish, I'm allowed to play. Over time, this rule left a void in me. I only allowed myself to play for the short periods of time school was on break or when I had finished everything (rarely and briefly). I opted to make an attempt at filling the void by watching TV and movies, things that I could somewhat enjoy without having to stop doing my homework. Unfortunately, this left me in the horrifying state that I am in now.

Before that, my second dilemma: Earlier this year I took the placement test for the community college I attended. Almost perfect on the reading and writing, but I scored 58 out of 100 on the math part that had a cap of Algerba II since it was the last vaild math course I had taken in the past two years. When I go to Colorado, they expect me to pass three levels of Calculus. How am I supposed to do that if I can't even pass a basic Algebra II exam?

It is currently Winter Break and I find myself having to re-introduce gaming into my life. Feeling so disconnected from and unfamiliar with something I know I love is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. But it gets worse. When I think back on it, I wasn't one of the best in my former math classes because I was good at it. Rather, because everyone else pretended to be so bad at it that the lowered standards were too easy for anyone who did try. Moreover, after Math League I realized that I don't even enjoy math! What I do enjoy...complicates things.

English. As much as I hate the history behind how English got to be a well-known and used lanaguge, I can't deny that I enjoy it. I enjoy being able to freely write, type, edit, and learn new things to better my vocabulary and grammar. There is also another art that I enjoy, but that may be a forbidden fruit to me in terms of perfecting. So I have come to the conclusion that if I am not exceptional at and do not like math or science, and if I enjoy and may be somewhat good at the arts, I may very well end up miserable trying to complete a Bachelor's in science.

So I feel like the more steps I take towards my goal of building a video game empire in my future home and living in one as my career, the farther away I actually am from achieving that goal. Like, you know how airports have conveyor belts that transport people? I feel like I'm someone who can't run or speed-walk and beat the conveyor belt, on one going in the opposite direction I'm walking.

When I think about it even more, I hear stories all of the time about people not doing their homework or not showing up to work because they're playing a game. I hear stories of successful people who didn't do well in high school or may not even have needed to go to college. Dedicated people who are interested in science and innovation and who can make time to play that new game no matter what's on their schedule. I'm not any of those people. I take just two community college courses, and I practically stop playing for four months straight. If I ever thought I was going to survive, much less enjoy, an onslaught of math and science courses at a real university for this Computer Science degree that I'm not truly passionate about, I must have been out of my mind.

So that, dear readers, is why I am not so excited to be running off to college with my Computer Science major. Why don't I just change my major? Believe me, I have reasons, but for the sake of closing this up I won't go into detail. In other news, one of those void-filling TV shows turned out to be Once Upon a Time on ABC. I don't actually know when or where it airs, but I've been watching it online and have found it most satisfying. That might just be because I like fairy tales, but either way I figure it a good show. Now then! Forgive me for jumping around so much, thank you for reading, and please do enjoy your holidays. Ja, mata!