This is my review of Deadly Towers that I sent to the AVGN for the special fan-written episode.

Deadly Towers on the NES….

How about S*** Towers!? I mean, I am not a difficult guy when it comes to video game, but it just plain f***ing sucks. I'd rather s*** acid from a** and lick it up a floor that was moped with a broom made of pubic hair than play this game one more f***ing time!

First thing that I saw was the knight guy on the cover. He looked so cool and I was like "Oh! Maybe this game won't be so bad after all". I was so f***ing wrong. Just the title screen was enough to convince me that I was wrong. Now, when you hear the words "Deadly Towers", you think "Blood", "Castle", "Violence", "Gore", "Swords", etc. But they give you a title coloured in purple, baby blue and kind of a light pink. What?! Is this going to be a Barbie game? You know, with all the pretty little pink balloons and blue walls? And then there's a…. A password screen?! Already? And I had to reset the game three times to get it because the Start button is way too sensitive and if you're not aware of this screen, you could just skip it without noticing. After that, the game starts… Oh my god… Remember when I said "You know, with all the pretty little pink balloons and blue walls?", well I was pretty close. EVERYTHING IS BLUE-GREEN! I mean, there's water just under the wall but you almost can't see it because it's the same f***ing colour as everything else! Black and white would have been better! Even some of the games on the VirtualBoy have less aggressive colours than this and they are in black and red. It hurts my eyes to the point that I turned the colour down on my TV!

And also, I was like "Hey! No story?" So, I reset the game again(4th time) and looked for some explanation. You have to wait 10 seconds before you actually get a storyline. Who stays ten seconds on a title screen? It says "press start button", so I'm guessing that there is nothing left to do but that. So, I start to read the storyline… Holy **** is that game based on a novel or something?! It's was too f***ing long and complicated for a kid, considering this game was made for kids with the childish graphics and the girly title design. No teenager would be playing this game unless he was forced. Like if a big-ass fat woman would say "You have tow options: Play this game or I'll s*** in your mouth and I have diarrhoea!" I think I would probably choose the big diarrhoea dump in my mouth than playing this game if I knew what was coming. Imagine if you played a Lord Of The Rings game and at the beginning, the first chapters were entirely read to you. It's that f***ing long and boring.

So, I skip the storyline, it's boring anyway, and go on with the game. First, I wanna get familiar with the controls, not a hard thing to do on a NES game. I find the attack button and… What? Did he just throw his sword? I press it again…Huh?! He's throwing swords?! I mean, he could be throwing daggers or knives, but these are swords and you have an unlimited numbers of them! Where do they come from?! His a**?! And then there's the B button. Doesn't do s*** Neither does the Start Button. The Select button brings you to an inventory screen. For the moment, you've only have your sword and that's it. Ok, that's fair, we're just getting started here. So I close my inventory and start playing this… whatever.

So, the main character… What the **** He's supposed to be a prince, but he looks like an evil astronaut! His suit seems f***ing huge and heavy! No questions he's throwing swords, it's because he can't swing it in this s****y armour! An armour like that should protect you from everything, but no, you keep getting hit. And that's another thing that pissed me off: The enemies. They are just so f***ing tough! The first enemy is a flame floating around. There's a rule in video games: The first enemy is supposed to be the easiest one to beat! But, if you get it one f***ing time by these little piece of flaming **** you can actually die and you know why? Because if they get near you, they just keep hitting and hitting and hitting till you die! You can just run away on the opposite side, but if it got you cornered, you are dead! Game over! So, I just keep throwing those swords at those little ****ers and, after only a couple of seconds, there's an open door just next to me. I get in and… What the **** Is that bug? I can't move or anything! I cannot even open my inventory! The monsters don't hit me, I cannot attack, I'm stuck! So, I reset the game (5th time) and go further, maybe there's another entrance.

There is one… It is closed!!! There's no way to play this game! So, I started to fool around and then, all of a sudden, I'm in the castle and I can move! I figured later that I got in by the window, but how was I suppose to know that? At least they could have close the door that bugs and then, a dialog box would open and say "I have to find another way to get in. Maybe by a window." or something like that. And also, you have to be extremely accurate, it's under the window a little bit to the right and you're in. If they wanted us to get in by the window, why not putting the entrance ON the window, not next to it.

Anyway, I'm in and…What the ****…? There's like a bouncing bowling ball in the middle of the room. What is it? I dunno. But, I know that if you touch it once, it takes half of your health away. Now, I have two options. Right or Down. I decide to go right. Another yellow room with two bats in it. I kill them(easy, they don't even get near you). Next room, four bowling balls. Don't even approach them. Next. Another random room with enemies in it? Where am I suppose to go? I don't have a f**ing clue! It's like in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom on the NES. You don't a freakin' clue what to do or where to go. So I just wander all around and about 15 minutes, I get bored and pissed. The enemies just keep killing you! You can't go very far in the castle and you know why? Because, when you die, they give you a password… THAT BRINGS YOU BACK AT THE BEGINNING!!!!!!!

This game doesn't even deserve to exist! It's like if a little retarded child decided to do his own game and sell it! I'm so happy I didn't have to pay for this game. It would have been like paying someone to skin you alive and then take a s*** on you! It's more than a terrible game, it's should be illegal to even HAVE this game in your possession. I hate it!

So that was my review of the NES game, Deadly Towers.

Thank you for reading!

Louis-Éric Bacon or Louis E. Bacon if you prefer =)