Hi.

I am nearing 11 years since I created my PSN ID. I did not anticipate just how obsessed I would become with earning trophies and how many games I would play over the years in pursuit of collecting these shiny things that pop up for a few seconds and have no intrinsic value whatsoever. After over 6 years of figurate blood, literal sweat, and tears of rage, I hit my 100 Platinum milestone with Call of Duty: World at War, one of my first PS3 games.

Now, another 4 years and some change later, I have doubled that and hit the 200 Platinum milestone. After 9 months from first playing it, I finally earned the platinum for Red Dead Redemption 2. I made sure this milestone was something memorable. And, of course, it was very time consuming. In total, I put nearly 150 hours into the game.

So now what? Well, for a little while I was planning on #200 on being my last platinum. I'm at a point in my life where I don't value trophies quite as much as I used to. And I did not want to continue stressing myself out over trophies and distracting myself from just enjoying the game. Earning trophies and enjoying a game always came hand in hand for me. In other words, they enhanced my enjoyment. But, after almost 11 years, I have had enough experience of the opposite being the case to truly question this hobby within a hobby of mine.

After some discussion with myself, I have decided that I will continue to collect trophies and go for platinums... albeit in a much more limited capacity. It's a tough habit to break, but I do fully intend to push trophies to the side a bit so I can use my time (that is much more limited now) to play more games instead of trying to get every last drop out of every single game I play via trophies. So I guess I consider myself a "semi-retired" trophy hunter now.

Lastly, a quick update on my life outside of gaming. I had my first internship in a more professional setting over the summer. It was a good experience that forced me out of my comfort zone in several ways. University is still going well, I've completed 3 semesters in a row with all A's. I'm a "senior" now, so this is my last year. I'm starting to feel a bit burned out, so I'm just trying to push through it at this point. Still don't have a firm idea as far as what I want to do with my life. I'm 25 now, so I feel like I should have figured that out by now lol. Need to find more joy and motivation in something that isn't gaming, I guess. Not that I intend to abandon gaming any time soon. Just need more distractions to keep the existential dread away.

Two weeks ago, my account on here turned 10 years old. Obviously I didn't really plan ahead on recognizing it, but it's interesting nonetheless. Not entirely sure why GameSpot is still my go-to gaming site. There's not much of a community anymore but I still dabble in the Forums.

Well, guess that's pretty much it. Not a lot new with me. My first semester of my junior year of university is over with so I have a month to play video games as much as I can before I get bogged down by the next semester. But all is pretty well right now, so I should appreciate that much.

Welp, maybe I'll post another blog in like 6 months. Who knows.

Another year, and another E3 that I didn't expect much from but was kind of disappointed anyway. There were some good parts, though. Mostly seeing some new footage of games I've already been looking forward to. There weren't any announces that really blew me away or anything. I mean, sure, The Elder Scrolls VI was confirmed. But that's way too far off to get excited about and we essentially knew it was in development already.

Most Anticipated Games

1. The Last of Us II

New Info: Not much other than a new story/gameplay trailer. But it was nice to finally see some gameplay. I like what I see so far and trust Naughty Dog to deliver, even though I didn't really even want there to be a sequel.

2. Metro Exodus

New info: More gameplay stuff, I think? I know I saw a video or something and the world looked as incredible as I'd expect. I think it's a safe bet that I'll really enjoy this game, especially since it will have open world elements.

3. Shadow of the Tomb Raider

New info: I saw one video but I'm still not sure what the game is about. That's probably just a lack of me paying attention but, at any rate, it's another modern Tomb Raider game and I don't expect it to be that much different than the others. I can't really complain, though, since these are really solid games.

4. Dying Light 2

New info: Its entire existence. Honestly the only new game announced (that also wasn't leaked beforehand as far as I know) that I'm looking forward to. Chris Avellone is playing a role in the story's creation, which is exciting. The branching choices look promising and I think it has a good chance of topping the first game.

5. Just Cause 4

New info: It was officially announced, but leaked beforehand. Regardless, I don't think there's much to say. It's more Just Cause, which I think is cool. The 3rd game had its share of issues, but if those can be addressed and there are some worthwhile additions, Just Cause 4 could turn out to be the most enjoyable game of the franchise.

Games That Have Piqued My Interest

1. Death Stranding

New Info: We finally got a glimpse of gameplay footage. It's still not entirely clear what all there is to do in the game, but the setting and concept of the story ,as bizarre and cryptic as it is, have me somewhat fascinated. I won't be rushing to play the game, but I certainly have my eye on it now.

2. Cyberpunk 2077

New info: A new trailer and stuff. I'm not too familiar with what Cyberpunk is, but from what I know about it now, I'm keeping watch. I know who it's made by and all the hype surrounding it, but I'll keep my excitement contained for now.

3. Rage 2

New info: Some cinematic/gameplay footage. I've forgotten a lot about the first game at this point. I don't expect anything all that new or exceptional out of this game, but it should still be pretty fun.

4. Spiderman

New info: Plenty of new footage. I'm not a huge Spiderman fan, but the game looks potentially really fun. I'm a sucker for open world games and traversing this game's world looks very fluid. Not 100% sure if I'll end up playing it, but we'll see.

Games I Just Don't Know About Yet

1. Twin Mirror

New Info: Okay, so this one is a new announcement as well that I may end up playing. In short, it's a story-driven investigative game by those behind Life is Strange - a game I adored. I don't know enough to be excited about it yet, but I feel there's a solid chance I'll be playing it. So maybe it shouldn't even be on this list in the first place.

2. Control

New Info: Okay, so I lied about the new announcement thing. Anyway, I see some potential in this newly announced game. I'm glad remedy is working on something for the PS4. I played Alan Wake on PC and really liked it. I await more info about this game before I'm set on playing it.

3. Fallout 76

New Info: We kinda know what it is now. And it's pretty much what I didn't want it to be. I'm so disappointed that this turned out to be an online only game with PvP. I just don't see this game having much purpose other than players being a nuisance to each other while you try to build stuff and collect stuff. As a big Fallout fan, I still want to give it a chance even though it's really not the type of game I want to play.

So that'll do it. I'm sure I missed a couple of games that were shown at E3 that I will be playing in the future, but I'll keep the list as-is. I know there was a snippet of footage from the final season of The Walking Dead that I know I'll be playing as soon as I possibly can. Then, there's TES VI of course. But, again, there just isn't anything to say about it at this point in time. Bethesda's new IP might be cool as well, but it's also way too early to say anything about it.

Not sure if I've been too busy or if I stopped caring to even try making even semi-regular blogs here. I'll try to make this one a quick update blog. So first, life stuff. I finished my first year of returning to University after having dropped out for 3 years. I never thought I'd be able to return to school, but all in all my year went better than expected. I wish I had a better idea of the program I wanted when I returned (I switched from a BBA in Economics to a BA in Economics) and didn't decide to drop a class at the last minute this semester, but, on the bright side I did well across the 9 total classes I took over the school year. 1 B, 1 C, and the rest A's. I have probably another 2.5 years to go thanks to poor planning and poor performance when I first attended, but I'm much more determined to finish this time.

Anyway. Gaming. I've still found time for it even with school, a part-time job, and for the first time in my life, a girlfriend. And now that it's summer I have more time to kill since I'm just going to keep working at my only part-time job. I finally played Fallout 4 since my last update. Pretty sure I didn't even have my Pro a year ago, I'm not entirely sure lol. Long story short, loved Fallout 4 and still have its bigger add-ons to play. The PS4 Pro is great even if I don't have a 4K display. Right now, I'm finally playing Horizon: Zero Dawn. I'm almost finished with it and I don't really have much to complain about. Definitely one of the better games this generation. Not sure where I'd place it yet, but definitely somewhere in the top 10 as far as PS4 games I've played go, maybe almost even top 5.

Here are some games I hope to play through this Summer:

• Horizon: Zero Dawn + DLC
• Fallout 4 DLC
• Danganronpa 3
• Mass Effect Andromeda
• Undertale (PS4)
• Burnout Paradise Remastered
• Detroit: Become Human
• GTA San Andreas (PS4)
• Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
• Disgaea 4

• God of War

Probably won't get through all those, especially since I might not even buy some of them by the end of summer. Plus, I expect Persona 5 alone will take up a lot of time once I get to playing it. I haven't updated my backlog progress in almost 2 years, so here's the short version:

Current Backlog - 8 Games (-8)

Current Wish List - 13 (-25)

Total Games on my "To Play" List - 21 (-33)

Looks like I really took care of my backlog the last couple of years. Granted, I simply decided to not play some of the games on there. But I think it was for the best.

On one last note, I've been attempting to rank every game I've played and rated. It's proven to be quite the task, but it's been really fun as well. Right now I have 303 games rated and ranked (not counting smaller add-ons and repeat games such as remasters and games I've played multiple versions of )

Once it's more finalized, I think I'll post a link to my spreadsheets with all that stuff on it, not that I think anyone else would care that much lol. Also, I might do a sort of countdown blog of maybe my top 50 games once I'm happy with what I have. Spoiler alert: Fallout 3 is #1 :D

I try to do an E3 blog every year and this one will be more shortest ever. In short, I found E3 to be very underwhelming. But, in a way, I'm actually fine with that. I really didn't want to pile another 5-10 games to my wish list lol. Anyway, it was nice to see some footage from games I've already been looking forward such as:

• South Park: The Fractured But Whole
• Call of Duty WWII
• Ni No Kuni II: The Revenant Kingdom
• Vampyr
• Detroit: Become Human
• Days Gone
• God of War

It was a shame to not see anything from The Last of Us Part II. I still consider The Last of Us to be the best game I've played and I was always on the fence on wanting a sequel for it. I felt the story would have been fine left alone, but the sequel was announced some time back and couldn't help but feel kinda glad it was happening. I figured since they didn't wait until E3 to announce it, they would actually have something at E3 to show. But alas, that didn't happen.

Now, onto new announcements. I was surprised in how few new announcements there seemed to be. Or maybe it's just the fact that I only felt myself get excited for 2 new game announcements. That's right. Two. 2. But eh, my backlog thanks me.

Life is Strange: Before the Storm

Life is Strange was a pleasant surprise to me. Sure, I was always looking forward to playing it. But it blew my expectations. As with The Last of Us, I was never totally on board with there being any sequels. But I never really considered a Prequel. Before the Storm will focus on a part of Chloe's life before reuniting with Max and I'm actually excited for it. I'm aware there's an actual sequel to Life is Strange in the works, but right now a prequel just makes sense as far as filling in parts of the original story. Oh, and I'm definitely looking forward to hearing another awesome soundtrack.

Metro Exodus

And here's yet another game I wasn't really expecting another addition to. But here we have it, another Metro game and I for one am quite excited for it. The 4K gameplay footage looked absolutely stunning. Granted, I doubt I'll have a 4K TV and/or PS4 Pro by the time I play this. But nonetheless Metro is known for its incredible visuals. The remasters on the PS4 are still among the best looking games I've played on the system. From what little has been shown of this game, it looks very similar to its predecessors except it appears there will be more openness to the levels. I personally look forward to that element of the game whenever the hell in 2018 it releases. If it manages to actually release next year, anyway.

And that'll do it for this blog. No conference summaries, I didn't really watch any of them. I did watch Bethesda's for some reason but it was awful. They really shot themselves in the foot lol.

GameSpot was my gaming home for a good few years or so before the site overhaul happened. Prior to that, it was site with a very active community. Forums were lively, unions were a thing, there were more user reviews and in all the community was very much a part of the site. Those days were over once the changes took place. Many outright left or just slowly stopped visiting the site. I never fully left but my activity here dropped steadily until it officially became my secondary gaming home.

Back sometime in 2012 I stumbled upon a place called Playfire. I had actually made an account there years prior since it tracked my trophies and they had trophy cards and whatnot. Anyway, the site looked much different from what I remember. What I liked right away was the activity feed. It's kind of like Twitter, I think. Users can post under certain games, platforms, and other non-gaming topics. It was active and the game-tracking and trophy-tracking features were pretty cool, even if they didn't work very well.

At any rate, I've been a part of that community for about the last 5 years. It's been slowly dying over the last couple of years due to the poor managing of the site and it was eventually announced that it would be closed and there would be a new community thingy on GMG's main site. GMG (GreenManGaming) owned Playfire, for perspective. It's been known for a while that Playfire would be no more but they never gave an official date even though they said they would. Long story short, today was the day. Playfire is no more.

I've looked at the Community section on GMG and while I've wanted to give it a chance, it's just terrible. They don't even have Forums set up there yet. So anyway, I feel strangely at a loss. I think I have to use GameSpot as my primary gaming site for the moment. I actually still visit it a lot and post in the forums when I can, but it's just so inactive compared to what it used to be. Other places I browse would be PSN Profiles and playstationtrophies.org, but I use those places more to view my trophies or read trophy guides and the forums aren't that great. So I don't really know if I'll find another place again I enjoyed as much as I did the old GameSpot or PlayFire. I'm a little bummed out but I'll probably find some way to fill in my internet downtime, as I like to call it.

So, yeah, that's about it. It's nice to see users I've known for a long time post on here. If you're still out there and reading this, what's up? My mental health has been pretty shitty this year but I think it's finally starting to turn around and I'm enjoying gaming plenty. Finished up Mafia 3 and got the platinum a few days ago. Right now I'm waiting for the PS Store to update so I can play the final episode of The Walking Dead: A New Frontier. It's been a bit disappointing compared to the first seasons but I have hope the last episode will be great and give me a more positive outlook on the season.

2016 was a mostly forgettable gaming year for me. I can't say I played too many actual 2016 games or am even sure off the top of my head what the "big" games were this year. Uncharted 4 maybe? But to me it was another year of burning through the backlog and starting up many games I probably could have lived without playing. At a quick glance, the Danganronpa series, Life is Strange, and Mad Max were a few of my personal highlights. I played through 37 games just looking across the PS3/PS4/Vita. Then add maybe another half dozen from the PC, which I didn't spend much time with as far as gaming goes. Alan Wake was pretty dope, though.

Anyway, since I'm still somewhat of a trophy fanatic, here's my trophy breakdown over the years. Can't say I really want to make myself trophy goals anymore but for the time being I'll still be going after platinums as long as I feel like it and it's not going to stress me out too much. Total trophies (# of Plats)

2009 - 537 (7)

2010 - 590 (5)

2011 - 729 (6)

2012 - 1040 (16)

2013 - 1068 (20)

2014 - 1586 (34)

2015 - 1366 (28)

2016 - 1365 (30)

I plan on cutting down on the amount of games I play going forward. I don't know if that means I'll be spending less time with gaming, but either way I want to narrow my focus and try to only play the best of the games I really want to play. So below are more or less what I hope to get through in 2017, as far as games that are currently out. I may grab a few 2017 titles, but I dunno.

1. Fallout 4

2. The Witcher 3

3. Just Cause 3

4. Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors

5. Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma

6. Dear Esther

7. Plants Vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare 2

8. Uncharted 4

9. Gravity Rush 2

10. Mafia 3

11. Steins; Gate

12. The Last Guardian

13. Rise of the Tomb Raider

14. Watch Dogs 2

15. Persona 5

16. South Park: The Fractured But Whole

17. Horizon: Zero Dawn

18. Batman: The TellTale Series

So yeah, that's it. I'll stop there and not stray from gaming in this blog. I'm sorry if any of you started reading through my last trainwreck of a blog. I don't even want to read it but I'm leaving it up for if I ever get out my current funk. I promise I won't post any more of those and will instead document my madness elsewhere. Not that it matters too much since there's almost no one around to regularly check out blogs.

Anywho, enjoy your new year in gaming and hopefully life. It seems the next year or so of gaming is looking promising.

Well, shit. I don't know why but I've felt the urge to get some or everything that has been on my mind down in writing because, I don't know, maybe it will make me feel better? I should probably just write this down on paper or something instead of publishing it, but I guess it's not like anyone knows or cares who I really am so eh. I suppose this is my introduction and I can't even say where I'm going with this but it may or may not be a long one and I may or may not even post it. But if you have nothing better to do, then stick around if you want but I'm doing this mostly for me. And it's not going to be too interesting of a story. Just your run of the mill depressing bullshit that may involve a girl. And also what my gaming life has been like because this is GAMESpot I guess.

So to start, here's just a quick recap of my life since roughly the end of high school. Not much to talk about before that. I've kept mostly to myself my whole life and since I was fairly young spent most of my free time playing video games. Sure, I had a few buddies and some casual school friends. But probably no one I could consider a truly close friend since my grade school pal, but we grew apart since I changed school districts after elementary school. Anyway, I can't say I was ever all that depressed or anything. Sure, I acknowledged that I was kind of an outcast and couldn't interact with people as well as most people seem able to. But time passed and I was just spending most of my time thinking about what game I was playing or just focusing on school. It wasn't until towards the very end of high school I started really feeling alone. There were no dramatic changes to my life around then, perhaps it was just the sinking feeling that high school was about to end I would be out there in the world on my own.

I did what I always planned to do and attended a University. It started off well enough but not too long into it I started feeling horribly depressed. Perhaps I was feeling the weight of the world crush down on me for some reason. I was alone but I wanted to be more alone. I didn't want to live at home but I did anyway for financial reasons. And for some nonsensical reason my mind attached itself to some girl I went to high school with. I had one class with her and she was a freshmen while I was a senior, but because I had one pleasant dream about her (and it wasn't anything sexual, believe it or not) I grew a silly attachment to her and I could not shake that horrible feeling of wanting someone I will probably never even see again for quite some time.

Looking back, it's easy to say that the beginning of what I regret in life started with University. Against all odds, I ended up in a class with my grade school buddy that I probably didn't see or hear from for at least a couple of years up until that point. Sure, we talked and caught up a little, but at this point of time I was so withdrawn from the world that I kind of brushed him off and blew my chance at hanging out with him. What sucks is how unaware I was that was trying to set something up and how I just didn't follow through on it. Last time I saw him was at the gym and we had a quick exchange. We still both share a common interest of video games, which was really the center point of our friendship since the 2nd grade. Though he's not into it the way I am unfortunately. If I were into competitive shit I could probably be playing Overwatch with him right now, but alas I was hardly ever a social gamer. I hope to run across him again one day and maybe we can figure out something to do...

Anyway, back to University. My second semester went completely downhill and I started bailing on going to class and ended up with a C and two F's, dropping my GPA below the point where I could keep my scholarships. So I just quit. I was done with school at that point and I no longer wanted to live at home but I wanted to become financially independent. Being a complete loser, I had never even had a job before (not counting when I worked at some place for one day) so finding one was a pain in the ass. I ended up with a part-time gig at UPS as a package handler since my uncle is a supervisor there. That kept my occupied for a little over a year, in the meantime I continued spending most of my free time playing games. I didn't have any luck finding a second part time job so I could be making enough money to move out on my own. Eventually, I found a full-time job which is where I still work. I make a measly $10.50 an hour but it's enough to support myself and I saved up a good amount of money from when I was living at home.

All the while, my dependency on gaming as a form of escape grew heavier. I was really not happy living at home anymore as I'm sure any 20 or 21 year old would be. But my main annoyance was it not being quiet enough to enjoy gaming like I wanted to. Lo and behold and I move into my first apartment and it's worse than living at home. I hear every step from the floor above me and most of my other neighbors are assholes too. Figures, still can't enjoy gaming in the environment I want. Not much has changed about me or my life at this point. I had (and still have) a steady full-time job and it's easy work. I mostly avoid interacting with co-workers as I would with most people in general. I still hated my living situation, but it was nice to be out there on my own, even if I only put in the minimal effort to sustain my well-being.

As time passed at my current job, I started growing fond of one my co-workers. Well, she was the manager to be more specific. So I have another one of my weird dreams (this one was a little pervy but I don't want to talk about it and I don't even like feet anyway) and bam, my mind is attached to her. Didn't think anything of it for a while, I knew she was seeing someone for most of the time she was working there. At any rate, all this time my sadness and loneliness wasn't getting much better. But at some point, something sparked inside me and I suddenly wanted to break away from who I've been. I want to say I started becoming more outgoing, or at least made more attempts to. Despite having no luck with it, I started feeling more optimistic about online dating and that I would soon have an actual conversation with someone. I had some really fun times getting drunk with my brother and some of his friends. I was still really absorbed into gaming. Things were seeming okay.

But my attachment to my co-worker, let's call her Kayla, started getting a little out of hand. I start thinking about her a lot and it started bothering me that she was taken (though she may not have been at this point anyway lol) even though I knew I would never actually be with her. Obviously I never had any intention of telling her what I thought about her while we were both working there. That, and because I'm a giant pussy and have never told a girl I liked them. Mostly that. Though it's not like I've grown such attachments for many girls so I guess that's my defense? At any rate, things actually start getting better at this point. And I say that because I start to feel more alive. Yeah, I like this girl and will probably never be with her, but I get to see her every day and interact with her at my leasure. So I more and more tried to avoid shying myself from her, even though she's my boss and everything. But I go to her with more "problems" and all in all try to let my personality loose. At this point in time, my work life is great. I'm interacting more with my co-workers and involving myself in all these little things. Really just trying to help the place thrive, it almost felt like I was one of the supervisors.

Later on, Kayla has to take an extended leave to have hip replacement surgery. Sure, I would miss her but at the same time I was going through phases of just loving her presence to feeling absolute sorrow of not interacting more with her while she was around and just having the fear or being too boring. Her leave relieved me of that latter feeling and I was again doing pretty well and still involving myself as much as I could in my work. All the while things have been changing up around work what with manager of basically the whole company making dumb decisions, leading to frustrations between him and Kayla. So upon her return, her feud with, let's call him Dick Nugget, almost immediately picks up where it left off. He starts micro-managing her and at after some time she just seems defeated. In a way it was kind of amusing because she would just blast music in her office all day and she seemed more chipper. Although that may have been more due to the success of her surgery, which has made it much easier for her to get around. Of course this just made me enjoy being around her more and I felt great sympathy for her struggles with Dick Nugget.

One Monday morning I come in and the atmosphere is heavy, then Kayla walks by and says "God speed" or something. She had been fired, just like that. And not all that long after returning from surgery. My heart sank and I felt the whole place was about the fall apart. I knew in my head that I needed to say something to her. I had seen her profile floating around on OkCupid for a little while at this point, so I felt I would message her through there for some reason, instead of being normal and just sending her a text. The obvious answer is that I wanted to make a hint that I liked her like that. But anyway, I did end up sending her a message. Basically I downplayed right away that I was sending her a message through there. I said something along the lines of being sorry to see her go suddenly and that Dick Nugget is an idiot. I also added that it would have been nice to get to know her more and that I regretted being so bad at social interaction or something. At best, I expected a response like "Thanks!" or something that would have just been a closure to our knowing each other or whatever. But instead I got a rather genuine response in which she suggested we should hang out sometime. I'm ecstatic, needless to say. I respond and then proceed to panic and almost go into a spiraling depression when I don't get a response until later the next night.

So we ended up making plans to go for a walk at a nearby trail. I still want to call this my first date but it wasn't really a date I guess. I almost wanted to ask her, but I thought that would have been too much and I didn't want to ruin my chances of being friends with her. It goes well enough. I'm not great at conversation but luckily she's fairly talkative even though I'd say her personality is similar to mine in some ways. But I learned a lot about her I didn't know before and I felt happy that she shared that much about her. Even that it turns out that she's a massive pothead. Not a big deal to me but I mention it because it's important for later on. Over the next couple of weeks I try to find reasons to text her. Anyway, I'm walking around this park we were talking about once some day and she mentions that was thinking of asking me to walk out there the next day. Next day passes and it's too cold for her, but she invites me to her place for movies.

Of course, to me that is something way over my head awesome. I'm going to this girl that I like's house. I'm a bit awkward as per usual and she ends up sharing her bong with me. I've dabbled with weed a few times and kinda always had some interest in it if I ever had easy access to it, so why not I guess. It kind of shuts me down but I'm also relaxed. She kindly kicks me out so she can get back to working. I felt I owed her so I asked her to coffee one day to get me away from work, which, speaking of, I stopped giving a shit about immediately after she left. And that's a pretty big thing in all of this but back to that later. At any rate, the coffee "date" actually goes quite well and I almost felt like a normal person for once. She invites me to stop by her place to smoke a little (I smoked my first blunt, go me?) and then we walk around her neighborhood. At some point she says to let her know anytime if I want to hang out. And I just absolutely loved hearing that. I'm still kind of afraid at this point to overdo it and contact her too much or try to hang out too much, but I end up taking her somewhere else again and it was an okay time but we both seemed kind of out of it. Even so, she tells me that I'd be welcome to come over at some point during the week.

I get the invite on Wednesday (just 3 days ago from this blog Wednesday, that's how far up I've gotten with this) and I go to her place for some Christmas movies, snacks, and of course the weed. It was going really well for a while. She was happy and in the spirit and was more dressed up than I usually see her. I accidentally take a few really big hits from the bong because I don't really know what I am doing. But I'm feeling pretty good for the most part, although my focus fades and I feel more dull. I honestly can't comprehend how she came into work high all the time. Anyway, later in the night, I'm losing it. I feel awful but I can't exactly explain how I feel awful. She says she's about to go to bed which is my cue to get the hell out, but I am way too gone at this point. I ask if I'm too high to drive, which is a shitty question but not much worse than just saying I'm not fit to drive right now. She stays up a little longer and makes me grilled cheese. I say I don't want to keep her up and she just kinda says that she's just really high and wants to go to bed. I think she's obviously annoyed at this point but my paranoia could be a factor into how I am perceiving this night.

It gets to the point where I say I need to lay down, and just as I'm about to I'm suddenly covering my mouth with my arm to stop myself from throwing up everywhere. I make it to the bathroom, of course missing the toilet at first. I violently throw up for a bit and spend the next however the **** long trying to clean everything up. I did what I could and all the while I hear her talking in another room. I still do not know if she was on the phone, ranting to herself, or if it was just the TV. Once I'm done I tell her I did what I could and that I should leave. I can't remember all she said, but I know she said that she hopes I get to feeling better. That's cool and all but I still haven't been able to shake the feeling that she really wanted me out of there (which isn't too unreasonable) and that that is the last time I'll be able to hang out with her like that.

I texted her the next day, once again apologizing and stressing that I felt really bad about it. She did say that she was just worried more about me. I said I still had fun up until that point and then she just says she hopes I'm not scared away from weed now. So aside from a couple of meaningless back and forths that's basically been my last exchange with her and I don't know what to think now. I don't really have any other ideas of where to take her out and I can't see myself starting a spontaneous text conversation with her. Of course, I'm really concerned as to what she thinks of me at this point. That was one of the more embarrassing moments of my life and I can't help but feel that she didn't really care. Maybe if she pointed me towards some cleaning supplies or was more willing to let me crash on her couch. I really should not have drove myself home that night but luckily I only live a few minutes away.

I don't know, I just felt like if the situation was reversed and I would have done everything I could to make her feel comfortable. What with the cleaning and I would have, without a question, let her crash on my couch. And if she didn't want to stay I would have taken her home and picked her up as early in the morning as she wanted to get her back to her car. But all those thoughts just make me realize that I do care for her and that perhaps I'm just a sucker in all of this. I'm out of tune with the dating world but I know the guy has to put in most of the work in most cases. But I'm getting lost now. Part of me still wants to care about this girl and at the very least remain friends with her. But I also don't know how well I can keep just being friends with her with these feelings I have for her. It's funny that I feel differently around her than when I am away from her. When I'm with her, I just feel like we're two friends hanging out and there's no flirty romantic bullshit going on, but when I'm away I just want to be with her and start feeling all these annoying emotions.

Lastly, another point is whether I should ever bother at this point. I said I didn't care that she was a pothead. But this is something she does every day and, to my knowledge, it's almost all she does when hanging out with the handful of other friends she has. Combined with the couple of other times I messed around with it, I've learned that it fucks with me more than I want it to. I'm experienced enough with alcohol to know what's up, but weed is a different beast. On the plus it calms down some of my emotions. But it calms down all of them so I feel almost nothing, which in and of itself is a terrible feeling. And I feel that there are aftereffects that linger on and I'm not entirely convinced that I still haven't come down from that night. So I dunno, back to the point, Kayla is a mystery to me. I don't know what she wants or what even I want anymore. Am I just another person for her to get high with? Is she interested in me beyond friendship? Do I seem like a complete loser to her now? I just don't know. Ultimately I think she might be too absorbed into her life or something to want someone like me who is completely lost and is highly lacking in confidence. It means a lot that she gave me the chance to be friends with her but I'm afraid that if I do hang out with her more that I feel we'll be too incompatible to even be friends.

And right now, I can't say I truly have any other friends. I recently tried to get a couple of my high school friends together to go out drinking. But that plan fell apart at the last minute and neither of them seemed interested the closer the planned date came around. It sucks that I didn't have any really good high school friends. Because of how lonely I am, I would still hang out with these assholes if given the chance. But I can't say I'll be going out of my way to contact any old friends any time soon. Furthermore, the concept of making friends at this point in my life is the strangest fucking thing. I don't know how to approach people or start conversations. I've recently finally been sending out messages on these dating sites. I've gotten a few responses, but nothing that has gone anywhere. I don't need a lot of friends. Just a few close ones. Living on my own is taking its toll on me. I'm better off on my own but at the same time I more and more crave social interaction.

I haven't even been able to enjoy gaming lately. My trophy obsession started wearing down on me and I had a couple of game saves become corrupt. But now when I try to play a game I get this strong feeling that I should be doing something else. It's like I feel too guilty. I try passing the time by watching shows and stuff now but I've hardly been finding enjoyment out of anything. I just moved into a new apartment and have yet to unpack and organize everything. I hope I'm just stressed and that it will get better once I'm settled here, but I know my problems go much further than that. I would really like to get back into gaming, but I don't want to go back to my old self. Well, who am I kidding. My old self is still my current self. I'm really torn on what I should do. Gaming would be a lot preferable to self-destruction. I've been hitting the alcohol harder than I should over the last couple of months or so.

I think I'm running out of things to say. I'm 22 and maybe some would think that's way too soon to be panicking about life and everything. But honestly I wish I would have started going through this sooner. Maybe then I would have felt I had time to figure things out and try to do something with myself. I should probably go to a doctor but I don't even know if I want to know what's wrong with me or even to confirm what I already suspect. And I'm sure medication isn't cheap seeing as how lousy healthcare is here. Booze seems to relieve me of some of my worst feelings. That or it embraces them and makes me want to break down and cry. My future scares me and I can't escape my deep, dark thoughts anymore. On somewhat of a bright side I feel like my mood can sway very easily. I am much more open to hanging out with people now and even the thought of it is exciting to me. It's just that I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

So, I don't know. There's probably more I wanted to say but I think I hit the main points and writing all this is starting to make me feel worse at this point so I should probably stop. It's 1 PM and I still haven't eaten or done anything aside from take a shower. I may not even leave my apartment even though I desperately need groceries and other supplies. All I want to do is sleep or lay down and do nothing. I feel no motivation for just about anything right now and that's how it's kinda been. I'm disappointed in myself and yet not willing to do anything about it.

I don't know if I'll even be able to read any comments if any end up being left so yeah...

Hello once again GameSpot or, should I say, DeadSpot? Ehhhhh. I still pop up here frequently to glance at the front page or quickly browse the Forums. For some reason I insist on keeping this place as part of my gaming home. My main home is PlayFire, which is a slowly dying community with no real management or future, but for whatever reason I almost always keep a tab open on that site. I guess it's the Buzz Feed and smaller scale that I like. I don't know to be honest.

Rambling aside, E3 has come and gone. For the first time in years I did not watch any of the conferences. Instead, I chose to read up on all the announcements after they happened. Granted, most of them were happening when I was working or sleeping, so there's that. Still, I don't feel like I missed out on too much by not watching them. I feel they're generally a waste of time to watch as they happen anyway. But alas, there were a couple of cool announcements and others I didn't care for. Anyway, the main purpose of this blog will be to go over every future game I'm currently looking forward to, whether or not they were shown at E3 or not.

No Man's Sky

Release Date: August 9, 2016

Excitement Level: Well, I mean, I guess I'll give it a chance

No Man's Sky has had an interesting history filled with excitement and confusion. I still personally don't know what to make of this game, no matter how much they keep showing or telling us about the game. I'll just have to play it to find out. I'm surprised at its $60 price tag, but I'll just rent it to see what I think of it first.

Mass Effect: Andromeda

Release Date: Q1 2017

Excitement Level: Cautiously High

I would have been very disappointed if I watched EA's conference just to see new Mass Effect footage because the time they spent "showing" Mass Effect Andromeda was a letdown. I have high hopes for this game just because it's Mass Effect, but at the same time I can't possibly see how it can top Shepard's journey and Mass Effect 2/3 specifically. I hope it doesn't focus too much on planet exploration because I've never been a huge fan of controlling the Mako.

South Park: The Fractured But Whole

Release Date: December 6, 2016

Excitement Level: Modest

I really enjoyed the first game and was happy when I heard there would be a follow up. It should be another solid game and fantastic South Park game. I would like to see some improvements to the gameplay elements, but other than that I know this game will be a good time.

Dishonored 2

Release Date: November 11, 2016

Excitement Level: Low

I'm not much of a fan of stealth games, but I liked the first game enough to play a sequel.

Horizon: Zero Dawn

Release Date: February 28, 2017

Excitement Level: Moderate

Plenty more was shown of this game at E3 and I'm definitely on board with playing this potentially amazing looking PS4 exclusive. However, I think it could almost equally as likely end up being just a "decent" game at best, which is why I'm keeping my excitement in the middle. It's reminding me a bit too much of Far Cry for some reason. While those are great games, I recently played Primal and I think I've just had my fill of that type of game for the time being.

Mafia III

Release Date: October 7, 2016

Excitement Level: High

Mafia 3 is one of the few games I'm confident in my excitement for. I love open world city games and Mafia 2 was a surprising hit to me. The era isn't one I've explored much in video games or really in general. But thankfully I have some musical tastes from that era and I look forward to exploring the city and its surrounding environments with some awesome tunes in the background. And I have high expectations for the story seeing as that was one of Mafia 2's strong points for me.

Battlefield 1

Release Date: October 18, 2016

Excitement Level: Shit, I'm actually excited for this. I don't want to be excited for this.

I haven't touched a Battlefield game since Battlefield 3. I had my fill of MP shooters long ago, with Modern Warfare 2 and Bad Company 2 being the last 2 games I put over 100 hours into their competitive online modes. EA and DICE are boldly taking Battlefield to a WWI setting, which I think is pretty awesome seeing as it's never been explored in a significant way. Granted, it looks like they will be adding their own twist to the era or just stretching the historical accuracies of the war's technology. Still, they kind of have to and I'm looking forward to playing a game in the setting anyway. Of course, my worries remain that it won't feel much different than any recent Battlefield games and that the SP will be lackluster. I do intend to invest some time into the MP, but not the 100-200+ hours I would have once felt compelled to.

Detroit: Become Human

Release Date: TBA

Excitement Level: Press X to Jason

Say what you want about David Cage or his games, but I thought Heavy Rain and Beyond: Two Souls were great experiences. Flawed and sometimes silly, they still definitely had their high notes as well. I've really liked the concept of this game since it was teased in the Kara tech demo, which I didn't think would actually become its own story, let alone game. It seems the actions in this game will branch out more than ever, which is cool but also overwhelming for people like me who want to see every possibility.

Ni No Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom

Release Date: TBA

Excitement Level: TBA

I played the first game only about a year ago, to which its sequel was announced about 6 months later. I was ecstatic to see another one would be happening, then it dawned on me that I don't think it can top the first game. It's a bittersweet feeling, but I ended up loving the first game and after seeing this game's trailer I felt kind of sad not seeing any the characters from the first game that I really grew to like. But I'd be a fool to at all dismiss this game because of that. At any rate, I look forward to more info and footage from this game I will definitely be playing.

Watch Dogs 2

Release Date: November 15, 2016

Excitement Level: Moderately-High

The first game got bashed to death, but I personally enjoyed it. Watch Dogs 2 seems to be improving on most of the mechanics from the first game and, overall, I'm really enjoying the look of the new setting. The new protagonist definitely has a lot more personality than Aiden. As much as I like dark, gritty games, I'm looking forward to the apparently more playful tone of this game. I don't expect stellar storytelling, but I do hope for a fun world filled with more of a variety of activities the first game offered.

Days Gone

Release Date: TBA

Excitement Level: I Really Don't Know

This was one of the few newly announced games that caught my attention. It's an open world post-apocalyptic zombie game with a potentially focus on the narrative alongside the gameplay. Sign me up. I wasn't expecting Day-Z movie zombies when I saw the gameplay footage, but it actually looked kind of cool and terrifying. I do hope the story and characters get attention and this doesn't just end up being a run-around-a-map-and-kill-tons-of-zombies kind of game. I'd like to see some sort of survival elements but again I'm hoping they weren't fooling me with the trailer. I await more footage and info.

The Last Guardian

Release Date: October 25, 2016

Excitement Level: Realistic

I didn't care about The Last Guardian or really even knew what it was for the longest amount of time. But having played ICO some 2 years ago, I know about what I should expect from this game. I've never really known exactly why this game has been hyped up so much over the years, but I honestly don't really care. I've finally made the decision that I will be going out of my way to give this game a play, especially now that it has a release date. I expect many will be disappointed, but going in with my mindset, I don't really have any possibility of being disappointed.

God of War

Release Date: TBA

Excitement Level: More Than I Anticipated

I've played all God of War games aside from Ascension and, while I thought they were great, I've honestly had my fill of them. The potential of a new God of War announcement didn't excite me at all. But then I watched the trailer and gameplay demo and really liked what I saw. It's definitely taking a new direction and looks very refreshing. And it doesn't look like they'll be shying away from the amazing action the franchise has offered up to this point. But the slower pace and focus on the story is what I'm really excited for. That, and a different mythology, as much as I've enjoyed the Greek mythology I'm looking forward to new creatures, gods, and settings.

Vampyr

Release Date: TBA

Excitement Level: Low But Rising

This game is sort of a wildcard as I still don't know too much about it and may have some trailers/gameplay to catch up on. But the concept sounded interested and I have faith in the developers, even though all they have under their belt is Remember Me and Life is Strange. I thought Remember Me was solid, but unfortunately the team had much higher desires for that game. And as you probably know, Life is Strange turned out to be a hit. At least, I definitely loved it. But anyway, I'll be keeping my eye on this game.

The Walking Dead: Season 3

Release Date: TBA

Excitement Level: High

I was thrilled for Season 3 to finally be formally announced with a trailer. Where exactly it leaves off following Season 2 is unknown, but Clementine has definitely gotten a few years older once again. I hope to see some other characters return, but as long as the story continues to revolve around Clementine, I'll be happy. As much as I hate the release structure of episodic games at this point, I'll probably play these as they release even though I've had to patience to wait out every other episodic game that I've played. The Walking Dead is just too important to me lol.

Batman: A Telltale Games Series

Release Date: It's another episodic game, you know the drill at this point

Excitement Level: Moderate

TellTale is probably overdoing it at this point, but until I play a game from them I'm underwhelmed by then I don't care. I'm no fanatic, but I do like Batman and am very curious as to how this game will turn out. It will be a longer wait for me as, unlike with The Walking Dead, don't think I'll be able to play through this one in small chunks at a time.

Gravity Rush 2

Release Date: This year?

Excitement Level: Moderately-High

I've known of this game being in the works ever since I played the first one on the Vita. And for a long time I was looking forward to having another "AAA" game to play on the Vita. But obviously that's not happening anymore as this game will be releasing on the PS4. It's definitely the right choice after finally catching up on some footage of the game. I feel I need to re-catch up on the game and its story by playing the Remastered version before diving into this, which I really look forward to.

Persona 5

Release Date: February 14, 2017

Excitement Level: PEEEEERSONAAAA!

Last and certainly not least is Persona 5, a game that delay after delay finally has a concrete release date. I gave Persona 4 Golden a chance on the Vita simply because I didn't know what else to play on it at the time. All in all I'm very glad to have experienced something I probably would have never considered prior. Sometime after, I played Persona 3 Portable and adored that game almost as much as P4G. The characters, story, and music are just amazing and I can't wait to see what Persona 5 has to offer. I just hope it doesn't feel too different. Also it will be my first Persona game on console. It shouldn't be a concern, but I really liked playing Persona 3 and 4 on handheld. I don't like feeling too excited for games, but it's hard not to when it's from a series you've really enjoyed. But at this point I refuse to read any further into or look at any more gameplay footage/trailers of this game because I want to go in almost as blind as I did with Persona 3 and 4.

And here are some other games from E3 that I'm currently not sold on but may consider in the future.

Resident Evil 7 - Having only played Resident Evil 5, I'm far from familiar or a fan of these games. Granted, I enjoyed Resident Evil 5, but I gave RE6 a skip after playing its demo and not wanting to have anything to do with what the game offered. At any rate, not much is known about Resident Evil 7 and I have almost no idea what to think about it. I do look forward to finally playing Resident Evil 4 once that releases on the PS4, though.

Spider-Man - As you may have guessed, also not a huge fan of Spider-Man. But I've never played a Spider-Man game before. The trailer looked pretty cool. If the game is fluid, fun, and has an interesting open world to explore I may eventually give this game a shot.

Crash Remastered - I've never played a Crash Bandicoot game, but this may be the perfect chance for me to do so. I don't know what to expect of these, which is why I'm taking a "wait and find out" approach to this announcement.

Death Stranding - I've never played a Metal Gear Solid game and thus have not played any of Kojima's works, but I know he's a quality developer capable of making masterpieces. No one knows what the hell this game is supposed to be as the little clip apparently has nothing to do with it. But I'll keep my eye on this project, even if it's another few years before we'll get to play it.

Lastly, here's a quick update on my current backlog now that I have it updated. I won't do my normal format because I'm done with this blog at this point and just want to wrap it up.

Current Backlog - 16 Games (+5)

Current Wish List - 38 (+5)

Total Games on my "To Play" List - 54 (+10)

Welp, that's 10 more games than compared to over 6 months ago and 32 more than however long before that. These next couple of years should be really good for gaming for me, at least.

Also, **** the horrible formatting on these blogs. I have to undo a part of my blog because I couldn't fix it and now I can't get this text back to normal size. Oh well, at least I'm done writing this now. Oh, and now it's not letting my publish but now this text isn't big. Please work this time, dammit.