Well, shit. I don't know why but I've felt the urge to get some or everything that has been on my mind down in writing because, I don't know, maybe it will make me feel better? I should probably just write this down on paper or something instead of publishing it, but I guess it's not like anyone knows or cares who I really am so eh. I suppose this is my introduction and I can't even say where I'm going with this but it may or may not be a long one and I may or may not even post it. But if you have nothing better to do, then stick around if you want but I'm doing this mostly for me. And it's not going to be too interesting of a story. Just your run of the mill depressing bullshit that may involve a girl. And also what my gaming life has been like because this is GAMESpot I guess.

So to start, here's just a quick recap of my life since roughly the end of high school. Not much to talk about before that. I've kept mostly to myself my whole life and since I was fairly young spent most of my free time playing video games. Sure, I had a few buddies and some casual school friends. But probably no one I could consider a truly close friend since my grade school pal, but we grew apart since I changed school districts after elementary school. Anyway, I can't say I was ever all that depressed or anything. Sure, I acknowledged that I was kind of an outcast and couldn't interact with people as well as most people seem able to. But time passed and I was just spending most of my time thinking about what game I was playing or just focusing on school. It wasn't until towards the very end of high school I started really feeling alone. There were no dramatic changes to my life around then, perhaps it was just the sinking feeling that high school was about to end I would be out there in the world on my own.

I did what I always planned to do and attended a University. It started off well enough but not too long into it I started feeling horribly depressed. Perhaps I was feeling the weight of the world crush down on me for some reason. I was alone but I wanted to be more alone. I didn't want to live at home but I did anyway for financial reasons. And for some nonsensical reason my mind attached itself to some girl I went to high school with. I had one class with her and she was a freshmen while I was a senior, but because I had one pleasant dream about her (and it wasn't anything sexual, believe it or not) I grew a silly attachment to her and I could not shake that horrible feeling of wanting someone I will probably never even see again for quite some time.

Looking back, it's easy to say that the beginning of what I regret in life started with University. Against all odds, I ended up in a class with my grade school buddy that I probably didn't see or hear from for at least a couple of years up until that point. Sure, we talked and caught up a little, but at this point of time I was so withdrawn from the world that I kind of brushed him off and blew my chance at hanging out with him. What sucks is how unaware I was that was trying to set something up and how I just didn't follow through on it. Last time I saw him was at the gym and we had a quick exchange. We still both share a common interest of video games, which was really the center point of our friendship since the 2nd grade. Though he's not into it the way I am unfortunately. If I were into competitive shit I could probably be playing Overwatch with him right now, but alas I was hardly ever a social gamer. I hope to run across him again one day and maybe we can figure out something to do...

Anyway, back to University. My second semester went completely downhill and I started bailing on going to class and ended up with a C and two F's, dropping my GPA below the point where I could keep my scholarships. So I just quit. I was done with school at that point and I no longer wanted to live at home but I wanted to become financially independent. Being a complete loser, I had never even had a job before (not counting when I worked at some place for one day) so finding one was a pain in the ass. I ended up with a part-time gig at UPS as a package handler since my uncle is a supervisor there. That kept my occupied for a little over a year, in the meantime I continued spending most of my free time playing games. I didn't have any luck finding a second part time job so I could be making enough money to move out on my own. Eventually, I found a full-time job which is where I still work. I make a measly $10.50 an hour but it's enough to support myself and I saved up a good amount of money from when I was living at home.

All the while, my dependency on gaming as a form of escape grew heavier. I was really not happy living at home anymore as I'm sure any 20 or 21 year old would be. But my main annoyance was it not being quiet enough to enjoy gaming like I wanted to. Lo and behold and I move into my first apartment and it's worse than living at home. I hear every step from the floor above me and most of my other neighbors are assholes too. Figures, still can't enjoy gaming in the environment I want. Not much has changed about me or my life at this point. I had (and still have) a steady full-time job and it's easy work. I mostly avoid interacting with co-workers as I would with most people in general. I still hated my living situation, but it was nice to be out there on my own, even if I only put in the minimal effort to sustain my well-being.

As time passed at my current job, I started growing fond of one my co-workers. Well, she was the manager to be more specific. So I have another one of my weird dreams (this one was a little pervy but I don't want to talk about it and I don't even like feet anyway) and bam, my mind is attached to her. Didn't think anything of it for a while, I knew she was seeing someone for most of the time she was working there. At any rate, all this time my sadness and loneliness wasn't getting much better. But at some point, something sparked inside me and I suddenly wanted to break away from who I've been. I want to say I started becoming more outgoing, or at least made more attempts to. Despite having no luck with it, I started feeling more optimistic about online dating and that I would soon have an actual conversation with someone. I had some really fun times getting drunk with my brother and some of his friends. I was still really absorbed into gaming. Things were seeming okay.

But my attachment to my co-worker, let's call her Kayla, started getting a little out of hand. I start thinking about her a lot and it started bothering me that she was taken (though she may not have been at this point anyway lol) even though I knew I would never actually be with her. Obviously I never had any intention of telling her what I thought about her while we were both working there. That, and because I'm a giant pussy and have never told a girl I liked them. Mostly that. Though it's not like I've grown such attachments for many girls so I guess that's my defense? At any rate, things actually start getting better at this point. And I say that because I start to feel more alive. Yeah, I like this girl and will probably never be with her, but I get to see her every day and interact with her at my leasure. So I more and more tried to avoid shying myself from her, even though she's my boss and everything. But I go to her with more "problems" and all in all try to let my personality loose. At this point in time, my work life is great. I'm interacting more with my co-workers and involving myself in all these little things. Really just trying to help the place thrive, it almost felt like I was one of the supervisors.

Later on, Kayla has to take an extended leave to have hip replacement surgery. Sure, I would miss her but at the same time I was going through phases of just loving her presence to feeling absolute sorrow of not interacting more with her while she was around and just having the fear or being too boring. Her leave relieved me of that latter feeling and I was again doing pretty well and still involving myself as much as I could in my work. All the while things have been changing up around work what with manager of basically the whole company making dumb decisions, leading to frustrations between him and Kayla. So upon her return, her feud with, let's call him Dick Nugget, almost immediately picks up where it left off. He starts micro-managing her and at after some time she just seems defeated. In a way it was kind of amusing because she would just blast music in her office all day and she seemed more chipper. Although that may have been more due to the success of her surgery, which has made it much easier for her to get around. Of course this just made me enjoy being around her more and I felt great sympathy for her struggles with Dick Nugget.

One Monday morning I come in and the atmosphere is heavy, then Kayla walks by and says "God speed" or something. She had been fired, just like that. And not all that long after returning from surgery. My heart sank and I felt the whole place was about the fall apart. I knew in my head that I needed to say something to her. I had seen her profile floating around on OkCupid for a little while at this point, so I felt I would message her through there for some reason, instead of being normal and just sending her a text. The obvious answer is that I wanted to make a hint that I liked her like that. But anyway, I did end up sending her a message. Basically I downplayed right away that I was sending her a message through there. I said something along the lines of being sorry to see her go suddenly and that Dick Nugget is an idiot. I also added that it would have been nice to get to know her more and that I regretted being so bad at social interaction or something. At best, I expected a response like "Thanks!" or something that would have just been a closure to our knowing each other or whatever. But instead I got a rather genuine response in which she suggested we should hang out sometime. I'm ecstatic, needless to say. I respond and then proceed to panic and almost go into a spiraling depression when I don't get a response until later the next night.

So we ended up making plans to go for a walk at a nearby trail. I still want to call this my first date but it wasn't really a date I guess. I almost wanted to ask her, but I thought that would have been too much and I didn't want to ruin my chances of being friends with her. It goes well enough. I'm not great at conversation but luckily she's fairly talkative even though I'd say her personality is similar to mine in some ways. But I learned a lot about her I didn't know before and I felt happy that she shared that much about her. Even that it turns out that she's a massive pothead. Not a big deal to me but I mention it because it's important for later on. Over the next couple of weeks I try to find reasons to text her. Anyway, I'm walking around this park we were talking about once some day and she mentions that was thinking of asking me to walk out there the next day. Next day passes and it's too cold for her, but she invites me to her place for movies.

Of course, to me that is something way over my head awesome. I'm going to this girl that I like's house. I'm a bit awkward as per usual and she ends up sharing her bong with me. I've dabbled with weed a few times and kinda always had some interest in it if I ever had easy access to it, so why not I guess. It kind of shuts me down but I'm also relaxed. She kindly kicks me out so she can get back to working. I felt I owed her so I asked her to coffee one day to get me away from work, which, speaking of, I stopped giving a shit about immediately after she left. And that's a pretty big thing in all of this but back to that later. At any rate, the coffee "date" actually goes quite well and I almost felt like a normal person for once. She invites me to stop by her place to smoke a little (I smoked my first blunt, go me?) and then we walk around her neighborhood. At some point she says to let her know anytime if I want to hang out. And I just absolutely loved hearing that. I'm still kind of afraid at this point to overdo it and contact her too much or try to hang out too much, but I end up taking her somewhere else again and it was an okay time but we both seemed kind of out of it. Even so, she tells me that I'd be welcome to come over at some point during the week.

I get the invite on Wednesday (just 3 days ago from this blog Wednesday, that's how far up I've gotten with this) and I go to her place for some Christmas movies, snacks, and of course the weed. It was going really well for a while. She was happy and in the spirit and was more dressed up than I usually see her. I accidentally take a few really big hits from the bong because I don't really know what I am doing. But I'm feeling pretty good for the most part, although my focus fades and I feel more dull. I honestly can't comprehend how she came into work high all the time. Anyway, later in the night, I'm losing it. I feel awful but I can't exactly explain how I feel awful. She says she's about to go to bed which is my cue to get the hell out, but I am way too gone at this point. I ask if I'm too high to drive, which is a shitty question but not much worse than just saying I'm not fit to drive right now. She stays up a little longer and makes me grilled cheese. I say I don't want to keep her up and she just kinda says that she's just really high and wants to go to bed. I think she's obviously annoyed at this point but my paranoia could be a factor into how I am perceiving this night.

It gets to the point where I say I need to lay down, and just as I'm about to I'm suddenly covering my mouth with my arm to stop myself from throwing up everywhere. I make it to the bathroom, of course missing the toilet at first. I violently throw up for a bit and spend the next however the **** long trying to clean everything up. I did what I could and all the while I hear her talking in another room. I still do not know if she was on the phone, ranting to herself, or if it was just the TV. Once I'm done I tell her I did what I could and that I should leave. I can't remember all she said, but I know she said that she hopes I get to feeling better. That's cool and all but I still haven't been able to shake the feeling that she really wanted me out of there (which isn't too unreasonable) and that that is the last time I'll be able to hang out with her like that.

I texted her the next day, once again apologizing and stressing that I felt really bad about it. She did say that she was just worried more about me. I said I still had fun up until that point and then she just says she hopes I'm not scared away from weed now. So aside from a couple of meaningless back and forths that's basically been my last exchange with her and I don't know what to think now. I don't really have any other ideas of where to take her out and I can't see myself starting a spontaneous text conversation with her. Of course, I'm really concerned as to what she thinks of me at this point. That was one of the more embarrassing moments of my life and I can't help but feel that she didn't really care. Maybe if she pointed me towards some cleaning supplies or was more willing to let me crash on her couch. I really should not have drove myself home that night but luckily I only live a few minutes away.

I don't know, I just felt like if the situation was reversed and I would have done everything I could to make her feel comfortable. What with the cleaning and I would have, without a question, let her crash on my couch. And if she didn't want to stay I would have taken her home and picked her up as early in the morning as she wanted to get her back to her car. But all those thoughts just make me realize that I do care for her and that perhaps I'm just a sucker in all of this. I'm out of tune with the dating world but I know the guy has to put in most of the work in most cases. But I'm getting lost now. Part of me still wants to care about this girl and at the very least remain friends with her. But I also don't know how well I can keep just being friends with her with these feelings I have for her. It's funny that I feel differently around her than when I am away from her. When I'm with her, I just feel like we're two friends hanging out and there's no flirty romantic bullshit going on, but when I'm away I just want to be with her and start feeling all these annoying emotions.

Lastly, another point is whether I should ever bother at this point. I said I didn't care that she was a pothead. But this is something she does every day and, to my knowledge, it's almost all she does when hanging out with the handful of other friends she has. Combined with the couple of other times I messed around with it, I've learned that it fucks with me more than I want it to. I'm experienced enough with alcohol to know what's up, but weed is a different beast. On the plus it calms down some of my emotions. But it calms down all of them so I feel almost nothing, which in and of itself is a terrible feeling. And I feel that there are aftereffects that linger on and I'm not entirely convinced that I still haven't come down from that night. So I dunno, back to the point, Kayla is a mystery to me. I don't know what she wants or what even I want anymore. Am I just another person for her to get high with? Is she interested in me beyond friendship? Do I seem like a complete loser to her now? I just don't know. Ultimately I think she might be too absorbed into her life or something to want someone like me who is completely lost and is highly lacking in confidence. It means a lot that she gave me the chance to be friends with her but I'm afraid that if I do hang out with her more that I feel we'll be too incompatible to even be friends.

And right now, I can't say I truly have any other friends. I recently tried to get a couple of my high school friends together to go out drinking. But that plan fell apart at the last minute and neither of them seemed interested the closer the planned date came around. It sucks that I didn't have any really good high school friends. Because of how lonely I am, I would still hang out with these assholes if given the chance. But I can't say I'll be going out of my way to contact any old friends any time soon. Furthermore, the concept of making friends at this point in my life is the strangest fucking thing. I don't know how to approach people or start conversations. I've recently finally been sending out messages on these dating sites. I've gotten a few responses, but nothing that has gone anywhere. I don't need a lot of friends. Just a few close ones. Living on my own is taking its toll on me. I'm better off on my own but at the same time I more and more crave social interaction.

I haven't even been able to enjoy gaming lately. My trophy obsession started wearing down on me and I had a couple of game saves become corrupt. But now when I try to play a game I get this strong feeling that I should be doing something else. It's like I feel too guilty. I try passing the time by watching shows and stuff now but I've hardly been finding enjoyment out of anything. I just moved into a new apartment and have yet to unpack and organize everything. I hope I'm just stressed and that it will get better once I'm settled here, but I know my problems go much further than that. I would really like to get back into gaming, but I don't want to go back to my old self. Well, who am I kidding. My old self is still my current self. I'm really torn on what I should do. Gaming would be a lot preferable to self-destruction. I've been hitting the alcohol harder than I should over the last couple of months or so.

I think I'm running out of things to say. I'm 22 and maybe some would think that's way too soon to be panicking about life and everything. But honestly I wish I would have started going through this sooner. Maybe then I would have felt I had time to figure things out and try to do something with myself. I should probably go to a doctor but I don't even know if I want to know what's wrong with me or even to confirm what I already suspect. And I'm sure medication isn't cheap seeing as how lousy healthcare is here. Booze seems to relieve me of some of my worst feelings. That or it embraces them and makes me want to break down and cry. My future scares me and I can't escape my deep, dark thoughts anymore. On somewhat of a bright side I feel like my mood can sway very easily. I am much more open to hanging out with people now and even the thought of it is exciting to me. It's just that I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

So, I don't know. There's probably more I wanted to say but I think I hit the main points and writing all this is starting to make me feel worse at this point so I should probably stop. It's 1 PM and I still haven't eaten or done anything aside from take a shower. I may not even leave my apartment even though I desperately need groceries and other supplies. All I want to do is sleep or lay down and do nothing. I feel no motivation for just about anything right now and that's how it's kinda been. I'm disappointed in myself and yet not willing to do anything about it.

I don't know if I'll even be able to read any comments if any end up being left so yeah...