Perils and Pitfalls, Part 3

My first trip to China is coming to an end. I am in Jinan and we are about to drive the four hours to Qingdao. Before the long drive, we decide to stop by a Taiwanese Soy fast food restaurant. BTW, Chinese fast food is way better than American fast food - hell, I'll even go father than that, Chinese food is just simply better than American good. I mean, aside from the severe abdominal cramps and gastric distress. This time, both of her parents are with us. Her father speaks only two words of English - wonderful and Michael Jordan - and he uses them as synonyms. Her mother speaks one word of English...unfortunately, it's the F word...and even more unfortunately, she learned it from me at the dinner table while I was learning to use chopsticks. Oh, the shame I carry in my soul. *sighs*

Well, as the pattern of this blog would suggest, I was in for a rough, unforgettable trip to a Chinese restroom. Now, this restroom was clean. No problem there. But...there were not any stalls...at least not any individual stalls. There were four squat holes. Now, nothing ethnocentric is intended or implied here. But, as a westerner, it never occurred to me that a public restroom would be organized like this. I felt uncomfortable just looking at it. And the restroom was occupied by four other people. Oh, dear. I was I ever going to drop 'trou in front of other people. Well, I couldn't. So I waited until the restroom was empty and went for the squat hole farthest from the door.

So, I am in the position, still feeling exposed and uncomfortable despite the fact that I was totally alone. I just need to relax for a moment before I can do my business. Well, here's the deal...a little boy walks in to wash his hands in the restroom sink. He turns to look at me...then does a 'double take'. He stops, looks towards the door, and calls out something - I presume he says 'hey, mom, they have westerners in here'. Then, instead of washing his hands, he comes right up to me and looks me in the eye...of course, I am already in the squat position. And he is close...uncomfortably close...like 8 inches away. So here I am, at my most vulnerable, my stomach is killing me, and I am terrified of looking a five year old in the eye. So, while he is looking directly at me, I am trying my hardest not to make eye contact...so I am looking at the ceiling, at the floor...to the side... It's not like I can tell the kid to back or give me some space. The only words I knew in mandarin at this point are 'thank you' 'beer' 'spicy food' and the 'F word' - which, strangely enough is the 'M' word there. So the kid stood there for probably only 40, 45 seconds...but god it felt like five minutes. I guess that he got bored with me, when to wash his hands, then left the rest room. Oh...then, finally, I got to take care of business.