Greetings again my friends and fellow bloggers. Little irritated at the moment as I typed a longer blog about some work and personal stuff and then my computer reloaded. Friggin' automatic updates. I am not computer savvy enough to know how to change that option. Anyway, my level and progress again jumped back today...down from level 22 and 3% to level 21 and 88%. And I was thinking about how much else was going backwards in my life, or seeming to go backwards. The primary issue has been with my wife. Every marriage has low points and we are at one now - much soon than I would have comfortably accepted - only three years in. Usually, the excriment doesn't hit the fan until about five to seven years in. Strange. We nadered out about a week about and things are steady now, if not improving slightly. Love is not the problem; it never has been. Not for the 11 years I have known her. But having a common ground and an understanding unconditioned by gender, class, culture, religion, and age...that is hard to come by. At least we are now talking about consulting a mariage counselor rather than consulting attorneys...and if nothing else, that is a step in the right direction. Work is another arena that is a bit of a condundrum for me. My primary job is a child therapist for violent offenders, often extreamly violent. That job is going well as it plays to both my strengths and interests and it is challenging enough to keep me fighting...I am catholic, so I believe in fighting for lost causes and hopeless struggles. For me, it is not the success per se, but the effort and unwillingness to concide that is important, particularly on a spiritual level. But my second job...if find myself questioning why I keep going through the motions. The thing is, my second job, in one aspect is totally fantasitic. The pay is extreamly low, but the level of work and responsibility is extreamly low too. I am a overnight/grave counselor. Basically, I get paid to stay awake and allert and keep the kids from raping each other - they are all sex offenders, so that is a legit concern. So 99.9% of the time, I spend watching anime, playing xbox or games on my laptop, or watching the History Channel. The pay is laughable, less than 25K, but add that to my prime job, and I do pretty well. But things seem to be changing at my second job. New supervior, whom I do like on a personal level, but really question credentials on a perfessional level, a change in the level of clientel over time. Is the pay really worth the time as I have less time to spend working on my marriage. In the US, jobs are at a primium and a resouce not to be squandered. I understand that. And I know that people would love my job as a second source of income. But I don't like being told what, how, why, and when to do things by somebody with a fraction of my experience and education. My supervisor was telling me something or other about my job; and I found that I couldn't even validate her. Her job is tough. I should be able to accept some feedback without being so stubborn and obstitant; but I am finding it inceasingly difficult. I have said some really pretentious things and feel about about it, but at the same time feel that I am justified. Things like, 'you were 7 when I started in this field', 'I got my Masters when you were 10, who the F are you to tell me what and how to do things'. My sense is that she is a good person who is trying very hard to do a difficult job well, but I can't seem to get past the intensity of my own feelings and judgements. Damn, I am totally just ranting at this point. I would like to see a light at then end of the proverbial tunnel, but that light that has been there for years gets dimmer and most distance eacy passing day. I don't know at the moment, maybe it's just a particularly bad day. But the thoughts running through my mind are pretty consistent. Anyway, I hope that you are having a good day. And no matter how negative I sound at the moment, I do believe that god hears all prayers and that redemption is more than just a liminal goal. I will end this rant with a quote from the Deserata Docuent "...for all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy"...and a line from the prayer of St. Francis, "it is in forgiving that we are forgiven". I hope you are well.