So, there's this 'slow' kid in my 3D animation period. He's always spitting mucus into his hands, wiping snot away with his palms and doing a bunch of other disgusting stuff. This kid also likes shaking hands. Know where this is going yet? Possibly. Keep going.

So, today, he came up to me. He stood in front of my computer, and stared down at me--in full silence--for an entire minute. It was kind of creepy. I looked up at him with a huge "WTF?" look on my face. That's when he extended his right hand. The hand he did most of his wiping with. The hand I saw go in and out and in and out and in again into his pants rhythmically under the desk one day. The hand he spits balls of mucus into every two minutes.

"Oh God," I thought. "He wants me to shake his hand."

Thoughts popped into my head. "Go ahead, shake it. You could always use hand sanitizer after." Another voice came into my head. "Touch that hand and you're never coming near me again!" This voice came "below the border", South, my Lil' StaindShadow, if you know what I mean. "You're right!" I thought. So, I eliminated this idea, because I'd still have touched his hand. I would never look at my right hand again without thinking "I want to cut you off." Besides, I didn't have any hand sanitizer. If I did, I wouldn't have had enough. Yes, his hands are that gross.

Another idea took it's place. "You could pretend you don't see his hand!" No, no. That's no good. He saw me look at his hand. (I'm sure he also saw the look of terror that had swept across my face the instant I saw his sweaty palm appear inches from my face.) This idea, too, was discarded.

Time had slowed to a crawl. I had an idea.

"No, it'd never work," I thought. "Then again..." My idea had been set into motion.

This whole time, my arms were at my sides. I wiggled my wrists, making the little-bit-too-big jacket's arms slide over my hands. Then, I raised my arms to face level. It looked like I had no hands. "Sorry, dude. I don't have any hands," I said to him.

"Oh. Okay," he said, his hand still outreached.

"Okay," I said. He withdrew his hand. "I would, but...no hands."

"See you tomorrow," he said.

"You too," I replied.

So, I convinced a slow kid I had no hands to avoid shaking his hands. If you knew this kid--trust me, you would have known my dread when I eyed his surely diseased ridden hands.

END PART 1.

PART 2

Well, there was one day he came to school with one purple glove on his left hand, and a black on his left. I heard the kid next to him ask why he was wearing two different gloves. His reply? "They're my penis favorite gloves."

...

Pretty much every day this kid will have conversations with himself. BOTH sides of the conversation. Oh, and they're usually the same conversations. I can't exactly understand all of them...something about "little buddies" and skittles.

His computer is in front and to the left one of mine. So, I can easily see whatever he's doing on it. I'll see him make penis like objects. I do not know if this is intentional or not.

He's CONSTANTLY--and this is no exaggeration--clearing his throat. He must have some kind of mucus problem. Every minute you hear "UCCK! ACCK! UUUUUH! UUUUUUUUUUH!" etc, etc. And he does it loudly.

He goes wherever he wants, when he wants. "I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM!" he'll yell, and leave the room before he gets a yes or no. "I'M GOING TO GET A DRINK!" Same deal as before.

He sits against a wall. He bangs his head against this wall...a lot.

He masturbates in his little shorts.

He once humped a chair. In the middle of ****

One time, he laughed like a poor man's Peter Griffin for several minutes straight.

He'll shout out random noises.

He'll bang his hands against the wall while making said random noises.

Just today, he put his hands above his head--like he was on a rollercoaster--and started swinging them wildly. He ended up ***** smacking the kid next to him. Many lulz were had.

He'll stare at random people for different amounts of time. It's short, if you're lucky. Because, let me tell you, this kid has some crazy, beady little eyes. Once, he turned around and stared at me the ENTIRE PERIOD! Oh, but that's not the worst part. The worst part was when he said "...I love you." OMGHOLYCRAPWTFMOMMY!!!

I'm sure more tales will come. Stay tuned!

I was in math class, and my math teacher is...well, young and hot. Okay, so, she was going around speaking with some students about some papers. If you weren't getting talked to, you could just sit and do whatever. The teacher came around and was talking to the kid next to me. She was kinda bent over, you know, pointing out stuff on his paper, etc. So my friend, who sits a few rows over, gets my attention. Shortly after he mouths (you know, lips move, nothing comes out) that he'll give me five bucks if I 'air spank' the teacher's butt. I needed five bucks, and I figured it'd be good for a laugh, so I started doing it. I did it twice and on the third time...SLAP! I accidently slapped it for real.

The world seemed to slow down. I was like

The teacher whirled around, drawing the whole rooms attention...

"What did you just do?" she said.

I blurted out "I'M SORRY! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! There was a-a-a-a-a-a fly...and..."

She just said "It's okay. Just um...let it fly around next time."

I just facepalmed as she turned back around.

I went to apologize after school but she was cool about it.

Oh, and after school the five bucks ended up flying into the street where it was run over and destroyed in some big truck's tire.

Earlier today, my little sister asks if I could clean some of her Barbie dolls. I said sure, so she went and grabbed five or six of them and plopped them down on my desk. I was sitting here, bored, so I figured I'd get that done really quick.

So I grab one of the Barbie's, and take off her clothes. (That sounds...weird.)

I take a towel, wet the tip, and start cleaning her. Well, there was some food-like stuff on her...uh..."boob area"...so I put the towel down and start scratching the small area of goop. (We'll just call it goop. I have no idea what else to call it. Gunk? Anyways...)

Scratching only works a little, so I start rubbing it, trying to get it off...Then, my door opens, and my dad just stands there, watching me "rubbing" a Barbie doll's...boobs.

He just gives me a " " look and slowly exits.

...

(I originally posted this in the Off Topic forum, but it was locked by a moderator for being blog material...So what better place to put this than here?:D )

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:?

So I was at a restaurant, having some lunch with some friends...and when our order was called, I volunteered to go and pick it up from the counter. So I get to the counter, and I'm greeted by a really beautiful girl that works there. So she hands me my order and says "I want your [another word for rooster]." I was like . Then I said "What? You want my [rooster]??" She nods. I couldn't believe it! I thought it was a joke. But she takes my receipt and writes her number on the back. I said "Uh...okay...thanks for wanting my [rooster]" and walked off. As I begin to turn away, thinking this was all a joke, she says "Call me in two hours, that's when I get off. You'll see I'm serious!" I said thanks and walked off.

Later, after my friends and I all finished up, we went to a Wal-Mart across the street. After being there for a little bit, I noticed I was supposed to call her ten minutes ago. So I call her up, and she really answers. I was kind of nervous, so all that came out was "So, uh...you still want my [rooster]?" She giggled and said yes. Then she said "So where are you?" I told her the Wal-Mart across the street. She then said that she'd walk over and meet me there. I said I'm back looking at the car stuff, so she'll know where to find me. She said okay, then bye, and I said okay, then bye...

Five minutes later, she meets me in the car section. Twenty seconds after that, we're making out against a stack of tires. After we finish, she says "Good thing my boyfriend didn't see us. This is his department."

My reaction: mixed with a little , some and . I couldn't help but blurt out the only thing that came to mind...

"WHATTHEFUZZAGA?!?!?!"

She looked at me, paused, and said "What?"

To which I stuttered out, "Boyfriend?"

She then said "Don't worry about it...he didn't see us..."

Then I hear a voice from behind. "What the %*#& are you doing with my girlfriend?"

Wuh-oh. I turn around and I'm faced with a less-hairy (though not by much) version of Chewbacca. I swear he even spoke some Wookie when he began to chew (no pun intended!) me out. Well, one thing lead to another, and I ended up hiding in the women's bathrooms for an hour and a half. I eventually fled to my car. That was "almost got my *** kicked" moment number one. Here comes number two...

So, I'm in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and I'm speeding the hell out of there. That guy was like the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I was Indiana Jones, right, so I just full on book...

Well, as I'm crossing into the next parking lot, to get to the highway, this other car almost hits me. We both hit the breaks really hard.

I just sit there to try and calm down. The other guy just sits there, looking pissed.

I sit and breathe in, breathe out...then I see it...

A HUGE A$$ BEE flies into my passenger side window. I was like, WTF!!! I'm allergic to bees!

So I throw the door open, and charge out, swinging my arms, flailing in every direction. (I'm sure I looked crazy.) Then I feel it--the bee has landed on my hand. It crawled onto my palm...

So I took my hand and slammed it on the closest thing possible--the hood of the guy's car.

So he gets out, thinking I've got a severe case of road rage, right, and at this point, I'm just WTFing.

So he just starts yelling at me in, like, Japanese or something, and I'm just trying to show him the dead body of the bee. I keep saying "LOOK! LOOK! I'M ALLERGIC! I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!" while pointing at the body...

And he must have thought I was threatening him or something, because he gets in my face, and in broken English, says "KILL?! YOU WANT TO KILL ME, MOTHER%*&#^@^??! NO, I KILL YOU!! GO ON! TOUCH-A ME! TOUCH-A ME, TOUGH-A GUY!!"

So...I hit 'im. He hits the hood of the car, and falls to the ground. I turn to see a busload of German tourists taking pictures, shrieking, and filming me. This little old lady kept shouting "PUT THAT **** ON YOUTUBE!" I was like.

So I just get in my car and bolt out of there...a few streets over, I stop in the Target parking lot to take a breather. I turn on the radio to relax. I flip to the retro station. And I drive towards the sunset with "Never Gonna Give You Up" playing loudly.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks...

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THE AFTERMATH...

So she actually called me not too long ago...and stupid me answered. It went like this:

Her: So, uhm...why'd you run off today?

Me: Your crazy *** boyfriend was going to KILL me!

(Silence, for about a minute)

Her: So I bet you're hung like a horse, aren't you?

Me: :shock: WTF, lady?

Her: Dude, what?

Me: I-I-I've never even SEEN horse d---!

Her: (pause) Are you?

And then I hung (er...no pun intended!) up. :?

Oh, my...

Stay tuned for updates, friends...

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