(I originally posted this in the Off Topic forum, but it was locked by a moderator for being blog material...So what better place to put this than here?:D )

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So I was at a restaurant, having some lunch with some friends...and when our order was called, I volunteered to go and pick it up from the counter. So I get to the counter, and I'm greeted by a really beautiful girl that works there. So she hands me my order and says "I want your [another word for rooster]." I was like . Then I said "What? You want my [rooster]??" She nods. I couldn't believe it! I thought it was a joke. But she takes my receipt and writes her number on the back. I said "Uh...okay...thanks for wanting my [rooster]" and walked off. As I begin to turn away, thinking this was all a joke, she says "Call me in two hours, that's when I get off. You'll see I'm serious!" I said thanks and walked off.

Later, after my friends and I all finished up, we went to a Wal-Mart across the street. After being there for a little bit, I noticed I was supposed to call her ten minutes ago. So I call her up, and she really answers. I was kind of nervous, so all that came out was "So, uh...you still want my [rooster]?" She giggled and said yes. Then she said "So where are you?" I told her the Wal-Mart across the street. She then said that she'd walk over and meet me there. I said I'm back looking at the car stuff, so she'll know where to find me. She said okay, then bye, and I said okay, then bye...

Five minutes later, she meets me in the car section. Twenty seconds after that, we're making out against a stack of tires. After we finish, she says "Good thing my boyfriend didn't see us. This is his department."

My reaction: mixed with a little , some and . I couldn't help but blurt out the only thing that came to mind...

"WHATTHEFUZZAGA?!?!?!"

She looked at me, paused, and said "What?"

To which I stuttered out, "Boyfriend?"

She then said "Don't worry about it...he didn't see us..."

Then I hear a voice from behind. "What the %*#& are you doing with my girlfriend?"

Wuh-oh. I turn around and I'm faced with a less-hairy (though not by much) version of Chewbacca. I swear he even spoke some Wookie when he began to chew (no pun intended!) me out. Well, one thing lead to another, and I ended up hiding in the women's bathrooms for an hour and a half. I eventually fled to my car. That was "almost got my *** kicked" moment number one. Here comes number two...

So, I'm in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and I'm speeding the hell out of there. That guy was like the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I was Indiana Jones, right, so I just full on book...

Well, as I'm crossing into the next parking lot, to get to the highway, this other car almost hits me. We both hit the breaks really hard.

I just sit there to try and calm down. The other guy just sits there, looking pissed.

I sit and breathe in, breathe out...then I see it...

A HUGE A$$ BEE flies into my passenger side window. I was like, WTF!!! I'm allergic to bees!

So I throw the door open, and charge out, swinging my arms, flailing in every direction. (I'm sure I looked crazy.) Then I feel it--the bee has landed on my hand. It crawled onto my palm...

So I took my hand and slammed it on the closest thing possible--the hood of the guy's car.

So he gets out, thinking I've got a severe case of road rage, right, and at this point, I'm just WTFing.

So he just starts yelling at me in, like, Japanese or something, and I'm just trying to show him the dead body of the bee. I keep saying "LOOK! LOOK! I'M ALLERGIC! I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!" while pointing at the body...

And he must have thought I was threatening him or something, because he gets in my face, and in broken English, says "KILL?! YOU WANT TO KILL ME, MOTHER%*&#^@^??! NO, I KILL YOU!! GO ON! TOUCH-A ME! TOUCH-A ME, TOUGH-A GUY!!"

So...I hit 'im. He hits the hood of the car, and falls to the ground. I turn to see a busload of German tourists taking pictures, shrieking, and filming me. This little old lady kept shouting "PUT THAT **** ON YOUTUBE!" I was like.

So I just get in my car and bolt out of there...a few streets over, I stop in the Target parking lot to take a breather. I turn on the radio to relax. I flip to the retro station. And I drive towards the sunset with "Never Gonna Give You Up" playing loudly.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks...

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THE AFTERMATH...

So she actually called me not too long ago...and stupid me answered. It went like this:

Her: So, uhm...why'd you run off today?

Me: Your crazy *** boyfriend was going to KILL me!

(Silence, for about a minute)

Her: So I bet you're hung like a horse, aren't you?

Me: :shock: WTF, lady?

Her: Dude, what?

Me: I-I-I've never even SEEN horse d---!

Her: (pause) Are you?

And then I hung (er...no pun intended!) up. :?

Oh, my...

Stay tuned for updates, friends...

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