I feel so bad for doing one of these blogs, I really do. I feel like I don't deserve to speak my mind on this but when I have no where else to turn to, this is honestly the best place I feel comfortable talking. Well I have just recently come from a New Years party. Real massive, best of the year and all my friends were there. And no, nothing major happened at that party but here are my thoughts on it:

Pre New Years: I was excited, can't really deny it. It has been awhile since I have been to a real huge party and most of the time they tend to be a good night. Also I wasn't the only one, the hype for this party was huge, I mean people were looking forward to this party more than Christmas. But... well there is always a but. This is the celebration of a year I absolutely hate. This has been one of the worst years I have been through and I hate saying that because there has been a lot of good things. I just find it hard to appreciate them. This could of been one of the best years of my life but my mood has been so down, so poor, so polluted with sadness (I don't even understand) that I couldn't... I just couldn't find the heart to give recognition to all the good things and achievements I have made in 2011. But despite all of this, there is two things I knew I had to do. Firstly I can't let them know how I feel, I don't want to ruin the night for everyone else. The second thing is I have to try and have a good time, and that couldn't be too hard. I was excited after all. But again, I was concerned because I don't know how I would go.

New Years: It was a great party, it went smoothly, everyone had a great time, there were no fights or dramas, it went really smoothly and was a well constructed party. But did I enjoy myself? Not as much as I would have liked. I felt a bit lost during the night, I wasn't sure where my place was. The alcohol I had didn't even help. I felt physically drunk yet emotionally sober. Alcohol did nothing to help me when other times it would have. They say if you are depressed and drink, you will get even more depressed. I will say, it didn't do that, it just did nothing. There is really no point in drinking anymore. But I didn't do anything drastic or say anything about it. How could I? Everyone is having fun, I don't want to ruin the night. So I still tried, I still had a fake smile on my face and when asked if I was having a good time, I replied with having a great time.

Post New Years: Really depressed. I was depressed when I got home and I am still depressed tonight as I am writing this blog. The last couple of days I have been mainly reflecting on 2011 and how hard it has been for me. Today I have been reflecting on the future and all I mainly have is doubt. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I will ever feel the same way I felt a few years ago, even a few months ago, I mean I just keep feeling worse. I had high hopes for 2012 and I guess the worse I feel, the less hope I start to have. But despite all of this, there is two things I have to do. Firstly I need to tell them, I don't know what to expect, but I have waited long enough I need to tell someone I know. Secondly, I need to gather up as little hope I have left and attempt to get this fixed. It is going to be rough, but I can't let this go without a fight. I have never let anything go without a fight in the past, I bloody well better give this a fight even if I have to face a good portion of it alone.