At the moment I am writing this, I am feeling... ok. Not too bad and I am not just saying that. Usually when people ask me "how are you" most of the times a simple 'ok' or 'not too bad' is a lie. But this isn't one of those times, and I am in a pretty dam good mood. It is only temporary though and I want to get this off my chest in the state of mind I am in now and not the state of mind that has now become the norm. But first, I want to just share a little bit of history.

During high school, I wouldn't say I was happy, but I was content (which you could argue is the closest thing to happiness). My life wasn't perfect but I took it for what it was worth because when it came down to it, it could be a hell of a lot worse. I didn't have many friends but I was happy with the friends I had (and still am). I didn't have a girlfriend but I felt I didn't need one. I did run into a few idiots, but bullying was never a problem and consider myself lucky in that regards. School was stressful but I dealt with it, I never gave up without a fight. I wouldn't say I was the brightest person but I still managed to get through some pretty hard subjects and passed everything apart from chemistry but that is another story. Oh and while this was going on, I had excruciating pains in my right testicle if you remember that blog.

Now comes a new era. High school is over and it is my first year of uni. To be perfectly honest, I was a bit depressed after high school was over. I was missing my friends and while I did meet a few people at university, they felt more like collegues than actual friends. Also I was a bit disappointed about uni and felt like I wasn't enjoying the coarse as much as I should (actually I still kind of feel that way and probably will change my majors next year). So yeah, I was feeling a bit down but you know what, one night I went to a party, all of my high school friends were there, we all got drunk and made a speech that we HAVE to stay in contact, no matter what. That was all I needed. What I was missing at uni was fulfilled at parties. It was still hard, but I dealt with it like I always do.

Now this year, 2011, this is where I am starting to feel defeated. I am not going to lie, I was content the previous years, but I still struggled emotionally. That feeling of being content was what got me though. When I wrote those blogs where I used a template highlighting particular topics, I noted that my mental health was at a critical stage. Well how I feel now (not this exact moment but like this week/month) is worse than when I wrote those blogs. If I was starting to feel defeated back then, well I already feel defeated now. I have already done a few things that I may regret further along the line, they are nothing really serious like killing some dude or anything :P, but I am not proud of it. Here is a general idea of what an average day is like to me:

- I wake up, and I immediately regret waking up. I want to go back to sleep and I can't. I don't feel like getting up and I would stay in bed forever if it wasn't for the fact that my stomach is grumbling and I need to pee.

- I go about my day and hate every single moment of it. Actually that isn't true, the only times I am not is when I am distracted. Whether it is playing a game or talking to a family member. But I am not really enjoying it, not how I should. They are just aids to help me keep going before I lose my mind into a depressed state.

- I go to bed just wanting to end it all. I have lost the will to live and the only reason I am still here is because of family and friends. I can't let them down even if I have to suffer. So I toss and turn in bed and somehow manage to get to sleep a few hours later.

In one of my previous blogs, I had a conversation with edpeterson in the comments section and he suggested that I seek help. He is absolutely right and I do need help whether I like it or not. The problem is while I am strong enough to keep going, I am still too weak to actually get help. I really am trying though. I wanted to tell one of my friends but I never find the time. I really want to tell my mum but nothing comes out of my mouth. But I will eventually get help, I can't stand this much longer. One thing I have decided is that while I do want to tell my friends, I probably shouldn't and really need to keep this as quiet as possible. I still need help, but while everyone knows about depression, I don't think the majority actually understand depression (to be honest, I didn't either). I am not recovering from a tragic event and I don't know why I am like this, so it is very easy for one to assume that I am just weak and attention seeking. I already feel weak as it is. But I will get help eventually and hopefully be put on anti-depressants.

So that is all I really wanted to say, and wanted to be open with my GS friends.

And thank you if you took the time to read through this wall of text. :)