Hello.

I'm George, and I'm studying Greek Philology.

This year I'm trying to catch up with cIasses (the system in most public universities here is very flexible in general) and I know its gonna be very difficult starting from this September exams and for the next season.

I'm realising I'm not enjoying studying at all and dont enjoy life in general. Because I stick to the past and specifically my failures, or whatever can be perceived as a failure by me. Anything from something I said which sounds awful/inappropriate in hindsight (usually those are seen as just signs of social awkwardness), a social interaction during which I didnt manage to turn my social auto-pilot off and really enjoy myself, to more serious stuff like a cIass I failed which I could have studied for a lot more.

At the same time, in order to counter this overwhelming feeling of failure I try to trivialise things and reassure myself that "its gonna be ok" while its not gonna be ok.

So yeah... anyway, sometimes I do feel motivated by the desire to have a good life and be able to enjoy some of the few things I still somewhat enjoy (a beautiful urban environment, variety in food, some music etc) and other things I crave (intimacy, someone to trust etc) but they are rare moments. I know they shouldnt be. I cant go on like that if I just think of the things I must do. I used to always be driven by the things I want and it worked but now... idk.