The crown jewel of the Santeem nation,
fills all its citizens with great elation.
I hereby challenge every suitor in the land,
who seek to win Princess Alena's hand.

Princess Alena! You've haunted my dreams for a great many years,
Drove this grown man to the verge of torrents of tears.
You are a warrior, an adventurer at heart,
And I will accompany you from the finish to the start.

You are a fighter, a strong fighter surpassed by zero!
Your ATK is so very high, none can match it, not even the Hero!
You dispatch all of your enemies with finesse and ease,
Even Necrosaro, who was reduced to begging and pleas.

Despite your most superior strength and prowess,
You are the epitome of woman, with features of a goddess.
Your dark tresses are the definition of femininity,
And yet, of combat victories, you are the epitome.

I am but a simple warrior and cleric hybrid, but of heart, I am bold,
But I'm more of a cleric, truth be told.
I am a healer, but I pledge to be your vehicle
I will stand by your side and heal you, even if you're fighting against Mildlars, Baramos, Hargon, and Rhapthorne, a combination most maniacal.

Please accept this Cristo into your heart,
For I will be there on your journey, till the end, and from the start.

It has been three months since the Hero, son of Eltrio, married Princess Medea and became the Crown Prince of Trodain.

Trodain's auspicious celebrations became a veritable springboard with which the kingdom would launch into greater achievments.

Of late, the diplomatic advances between Trodain and Tryan Gully made the latter a progressive kingdom which would form ties beyond strictly human societies.

On the evening before Tryan Gully Kingpin King Slime the 2nd was scheduled to meet with King Trode, the rather rotund slime of a king received a mysterious letter. Almost poetic in nature, it told him to desist from his current activities and abdicate, or die in the process.

Our story begins in Trodain's throneroom. The following takes place between the forenoon and high noon.

"COR BLIMEY!" a family voice bellowed through the grand chamber. "Together at last, ey guv? I promised you I'd bring Red, Jessica, and Pretty Boy Angelo o're here, and 'ere they are!"

The Hero and the Princess immediately stood up from their respective thrones to greet their dear old friends and comrades. "Yangus!" the Princess exclaimed. "I'm glad you all showed up for this joyous occasion!" Just as the hero was about to open his mouth to form a word, he was interrupted by King Trode and two slime knights entering the room.

"I'm afraid celebration will be a bit premature." Trode announced. "We have reason to believe that King Slime the Second's life and Tryan Gully's sovereignty may be in jeopardy. The Order of the Slime Knights is a organization, but I feel this task is best suited to my son-in-law the Hero, and his brave companions!"

As the visitors assembled and took their seats at a grand table, Jessica contributed, "Well why could he not stay here? Surely Castle Trodain is safe a place as any!"

King Trode nodded, "Yes, that is true, but the problem is that our would-be assassin already seems to know where the King Slime is, and since my son here has been crowned prince, our replacement captain of the guards is ... err ... relatively green. I'm sure he'll be fine with about a year's worth of leadership at the top, but I want to take no chances!"

"Besides ..." King Trode added, "we don't know how deep this conspiacy goes. A Kingdom befriending non-humans and monsters -- this could be something that the whole world wishes to see end!"

Yangus rose from his chair to suggest, "I reckon we could hide the round king of slimes down in Purgatory Island. That place is impregnable. No way any ruffian will get to King Slime -- well, we'd have to clear Purgatory Island of any actual incarcerated criminals first, and then find a place to put 'em!"

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!" Angelo replied, rolling his eyes.

"There's no way that we'd put his majesty inside of a prison! What kind of royal respect would that be?" exclaimed one of the slime knights.

"Oh, that's a bright idea!" Jessica shot back with dry sarcasm. "And what would you do if the assassins killed the men who operated the elevators?"

"Aww, that'd be no problem, miss Jessica!" Yangus replied. "See, Brains has a complete map of Purgatory Island, complete with the secret escape route the designers put in. Most of the guards there don't even know about it!"

"And what if he lost it?" Jessica responded.

"That's a good point ..." Yangus said. "Maybe we could just tattoo the map onto King Slime so he wouldn't ever lose it?"

Angelo blinked. "You know, my friend, you give stupid and inane whole new meanings."

"How would you like stupid and inane fists upside your head?" Yangus grimaced, clenching his fists.

"No more fighting!" Medea interjected. The whole room fell silent.

"That's better! Now, yes, Purgatory Island is the most fortified place you've all been to during your travels, but I can't imagine anyone going to such a dreadful place, so I remembered the next best place."

Angelo cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "Really? What place is that?"

The Hero smiled, as he rose from his chair, and took a breath to speak.

"Rydon's Tower, of course!" Red interrupted. Medea smiled, confirming Red's guess.

"Well then, it's settled!" King Trode announced. "We'll move in a procession to Rydon's tower, north of Arcadia, reset the traps perhaps do some fortifying of our own!"

Angelo smirked triumphantly. "Well, then, what are we waiting for, Ladies, gentlemen, and slimes? Let's get started!"

---

Two weeks passed. The party of heroes and monsters arrived at Rydon's Tower. King Trode ordered the Trodain away party's guard detail to conduct joint patrols with the Slime Knights. In addition, monsters from Morrie's monster pit were conscripted to the task of protecting the tower with King Slime inside.

While solid gold golems guarded the doors to the tower, a horde of drakees guarded the skies, flying in a ringed formation just above the top floor. Hawkmen were endlessly flying around the midsection of the tower.

King Trode, Princess Medea, The Hero, Yangus, Red, Jessica, and Angelo appeared on the top floor as they emerged from a flight of stairs. Several Slime Knights were seen flanking them.

"It looks like we're clear." Angelo noted. A slime Knight nodded, while looking downstairs and making a gesture with his hand. Two more Slime Knights emerged from the stairs, along with King Slime the Second and Morrie Mozzarella.

"Monarca Slime, it looks like you are safe thanksa to the denizens of my monstrousa pit! I have one more surprise for you!"

Morrie let out a sharp whistle, and within seconds, a team of heal slimes arrived. "Thesea are my best healing slimes! Should any assassino dare to attack you, they will keep you alive while the ragazzo there takesa care of them!"

King Slime nodded at Morrie with a smile, as the group enjoyed the view, and cool summer breeze.

"Wait!" Angelo exclaimed. "I see something, there in the distance!" The entire group strained to look at what Angelo had found in the distant skies.

"It looks like some kind of airship!" Red offered.

"Il combattimento staziona!" Morrie yelled out. Some trolls appeared, each cradling a handful of metal slimes. They each approached a cannon, one of several stationed on all sides of the tower.

"Attacco!" Morrie shouted. The trolls each loaded a metal slime into their cannons, firing a volley at the mysterious airship. Every slime bounced off the airship, hurtling to the ground below.

"Again!" Morrie exclaimed. They dutifully fired again, only reaping the same result.

The airship drew every closer. As it as directly above Rydon's tower, a tall, wiry figure with blonde hair launched himself off of the ship with a mightly leap, somersaulted, and gracefully touched the ground of the top floor.

Holding a lit cigarette in his mouth, the figure brandished a long polearm, gazing menacingly at King Slime.

The Hero, suited in full dragovian armor, lept between King Slime and the mysterious invader, gesturing him to fight.

The blonde aviator spun his polearm, and executed a powerful thrust strike. The Hero parried the strike almost effortlessly, and in the same motion, chopping the polearm in two with his Dragovian God King's Sword. Yangus tackled the stranger from behind, using his immense weight to keep him pinned to the floor.

"OK, assassin scum, TALK!" Yangus shouted into the stranger's face. "Who are you working for?!"

The stranger let the cigarette slide out of his mouth. "No one." He said simply.

"My name is Cid, and this was my idea. North America and Europe is our territory, not yours! So stay out of it! You guys got a day named after you in Japan, aren't you satisfied with that? I'll skewer that slime with my spear if you keep going where you're not supposed to?"

Yangus looked dumbfounded. "Japan? North America? What the bloody blazes are you talking about? Are you completely bonkers?"

"Hey, we had a movie AND an anime series about us! All you had was the anime series!"

Smirking, Angelo knelt down next to Yangus. "You know, Yangus, I do think we have a good use for your Purgatory Island idea!" whispered Angelo, pointing to Cid.

Springtime is in its prime. Seven months have passed since the four great companions led by the Hero destroyed the Lord of Darkness Rhapthorne. It was also six months since the Hero discovered his past and passed the Dragovian Trials with flying colors. 

It has also been only one month since the wedding that almost damned the Princess of Theed to marrying the massive abomination known as Prince Charmles. So he was thrice a hero -- for saving the world, saving the dragovian race, and saving the princess! And this group desperately needed their break. As it was still Spring, it was decided that this would be known as the Spring Break!

Seven people; The Hero, Medea, Yangus, Red, Jessica, Angelo, and King Trode, were in a great galleon, making their way to the island of Empycchu, to attend a great music festival. Just as they had landed in the valley below, and they made their way toward the town, they crossed the old Godbird's Eyrie.

“Hold on a moment, guv’ner!” Yangus interrupted. “I think I see the shadow of a bird, without the bloody bird being ‘ere!”

”How could that be?” Jessica inquired. “Ramia left our world after Rhapthorne was defeated!”

”Well that could be …” Yangus replied, “But look at that shadow! There’s nothing attached to it!”

”Our uncouth friend is right!” King Trode agreed. “Perhaps we should follow the shadow like we did before! Hopefully it wont lead to that dreadful shadow world this time …”

As the party followed the shadow through the plains and through the brush, the shadow disappeared, and a brilliant light of multicolored composition appeared. The group jumped into the portal, not knowing for sure what would be on the other side.

“COR BLIMEY!” Yangus exclaimed. “This place – the colors look all strange! And this beach! Where are we, I wonder?”

“Hey look…” Angelo began. “I recognize the characters on this sign. Haaaawai’i. Hawai’i, eh? There seems to be a very nice breeze here. Hey look over there! The builds are so very tall!”

”And look there, by the mountain!” Medea exclaimed, as she took the Hero’s arm. “The sun is rising! What a romantic place the Godbird has chosen for us to have our vacation!”

As the merry party of seven strolled along the beach, and in the streets beyond, Angelo asked, “So what do you think we should do first?” The Hero opened his mouth, but before he could utter a word – “Look, love!” Medea exclaimed, pointing to a jewelry store. She grabbed the Hero’s arm, and dragged him inside with a sprint. “Hehehe” Yangus chortled. “TIFFANY, eh? Funny name for a jewelry store. Poor guv!”

“Look at this, Yangus!” announced Red. “’Surfboards’. These look like fun. I think we have to pay, though. Do you have any gold on you?”

“Sure I do!” Yangus replied, opening his bag, and grabbing several coins. They gave the surfboard rental man some gold coins, as the man stared with his mouth gaping wide open at the cel-shaded gold coins from the world of the Hero.

“So …” Angelo broke the silence with. “It’s just us three, now –“

“I think I’ll just enjoy the sun for a while” Jessica interjected, already in her magic bikini and grabbing a beach towel from the group’s pack. “And I think I’ll get my feet wet in this nice beach here” King Trode decided. “It’s times like these that I wish that Trodain was in the tropics!”

“Fine. I think I’ll get to know some of these people of the world of … Hawai’i” Angelo said. As Angelo strolled across the beach, he espied three  young ladies approaching. “Excellent!” Angelo thought to himself. “Now it’s time to see if my charm works in other worlds!” Angelo posed, and flashed the young ladies his ‘Magnum Look’. “Good day, ladies! I am called ‘Angelo’ and who might you be?”

The three ladies stopped in their tracks. They stared at Angelo with wide eyes, stopping only to look at each other in awe and shock. “Aww, come on!” Angelo cooed. “I wont bite! Why don’t we talk together and enjoy the sce—“

“HONTO!” The ladies interrupted in unison. “Doragon Kuwesto! DORAGON KUWESTO!” They shouted. Suddenly, several more sun worshippers were awaken from their reverie. “Doragon Kuwesto???” some men asked in surprise. “Dragon Quest?” a lone surfer boy softly inquired.

“ANGELO-SAMA! ANGELO-SAMA!” The original ladies yelled in joyful exclamation.

Angelo was shocked, and quite honestly, a bit nervous. “So … you’ve heard of my adventures eh?” He asked, looking around to see that he was surrounded by a mob of wide-eyed spectators, chanting “Angelo!” or “Angelo-chan!” or “Angelo-sama!”

“It’s quite nice that you know me so very well – HEY LOOK OVER THERE! It’s Morrie Mozzarella!” As the mob all turned around in unison looking at where Angelo was pointing, Angelo leapt high into the air, executing a somersault, then making a beeline for the portal.

As he was almost at the portal location, he saw King Trode, Jessica, The Hero, and Medea all running toward the portal, as well, each having a legion of fans running close behind them.

“My word, what happened to Yangus and Red?” King Trode asked in a concerned tone.

Just as the King asked that question, two surfboards washed onto the shore, with Yangus and Red close behind. “Cor Blimey, we wiped out, and then some swimmers started chasing us yelling our names!”

“It’s all right now, Yangus, let’s get out of here for now!” Jessica replied.

With that, the party jumped into the portal together, and found themselves back on Empycchu Island, and the portal closed safely behind them. “Well, that was mysterious!” Angelo mused. “How the Goddess did they know who we were?”

“That’s a good question …” Jessica replied, “But at least they were happy to see us. Maybe if we come back again, they’ll get over their excitement.”

“Hopefully …” Medea contributed. “That was a pretty place, that ‘Hawaii’. Let’s make sure we all arrived safely. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight – eight? There were only seven of us to begin with!”

“SUGOI DESU YO! DORAGON KUWESTO!”

“Cor. Blimey …”

Words appear on blank screen

"Every generation has a legend..."

EXTERIOR -- Dragovian path

Camera pans upward slowly, showing the Hero in Dragovian armor from head to toe.

"Every journey has a first step..."

EXTERIOR -- Gates of Trodain

YOUNG HERO (approximately 8 years old), slowly walking into Trodain -- a mouse is seen in his pocket.

"Every saga has a beginning..."

(The Dragon Quest overture plays)

EXTERIOR -- The plains around Baccarat

The Hero is riding fast on his sabercat. The scenery passes by swiftly.

INTERIOR -- Monster Arena

MORRIE MOZZARELLA: You-a refer to-a this-a prophecy of a the one-a who will-a seal-a the darkness away. You believe-a it's-a this -- ragazzo?!

INTERIOR -- CHEN MUI's house

YOUNG HERO: Will I ever see you again?

CHEN MUI: What does your heart tell you?

EXTERIOR -- Destroyed bridge between Trodain and Farebury. YANGUS is slowly being pulled back to
safety by THE HERO

YANGUS: COR BLIMEY! I owe you a life debt, guv'ner!

INTERIOR -- Port Prospect Tower

YANGUS: This here is the guv'ner!

Jessica smirks.

JESSICA: Really? It seems to be the other way around! Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know?

INTERIOR -- Trodain Castle throneroom.

KING TRODE: Communications disruption can mean only one thing. My subjects have become a bunch of plants!

EXTERIOR -- Coruscant Balcony. A Hooded figure is gazing at a color printout photo of MORRIE.

CHICO MARX: At-a last we-shalla reveal-a ourselves-a to the latest-a Italiano stereotype! At last we shall have-a the vendetta!

EXTERIOR -- Dragovian Sanctuary

LORD OF THE DRAGOVIANS: I sense much fear in you ...

INTERIOR -- Dragovian council hall. COUNCIL MEMBER and CHEN MUI conversing.

COUNCIL MEMBER: The boy is dangerous. They all can sense it, why can't you?

EXTERIOR -- Dragovian Sanctuary

LORD OF THE DRAGOVIANS: Fear is the path to destruction! Fear leads to anger -- anger leads to hate -- HATE -- leads to suffering!

INTERIOR -- Ice cave

THE HERO, YANGUS, ANGELO, and JESSICA are fighting off dozens of monsters.

EXTERIOR -- Dragovian Sanctuary

LORD OF THE DRAGOVIANS: Suffering leads to despair, despair leads to hopelessness, hopelessness leads to self pity ...

EXTERIOR: The sky

THE HERO, YANGUS, ANGELO, and JESSICA are riding EMPYREA THE GODBIRD, toward RHAPTHORNE.

ANGELO: Break off the attack! The shield is still up!

EMPYREA: I get no reading, are you sure?

ANGELO: Pull up! All craft pull up!

EXTERIOR -- Dragovian Sanctuary

LORD OF THE DRAGOVIANS: Self-pity leads to acceptance, acceptance leads to hope, hope ...

THE HERO, YANGUS, ANGELO, and JESSICA are all fast asleep.

INTERIOR -- Dark Citadel

THE HERO and MORRIE MOZZARELLA clash swords with CHICO MARX, holding a double bladed sword polearm.

BLANK SCREEN -- DRAGON QUEST Episode VIII -- THE FAT, DISGUSTING MENACE.

COMING TO THEATRES MAY 25, 2007

Starring:

Hayden Christiansen as THE HERO
CGI Jake Lloyd as YOUNG HERO
Peter Mayhew as YANGUS
Natalie Portman as JESSICA
Ewan McGregor as ANGELO
Danny Devito as KING TRODE
Jackie Chan as CHEN MUI
Mark Hamill as DHOULMAGUS
Ian McDermiad as RHAPTHORNE
Carrie Fisher as EMPYREA
CGI Chico Marx as CHICO MARX
Keira Knightly as MEDEA
Frank Oz as LORD OF THE DRAGOVIANS
Some nobody as PRINCE CHARMLES
DIRECTED BY GEORGE LUCAS

Folks, this is the seventh event of the Slime Knights Olympics! It's time for -- "Charmed For You!"

We here at Slime Knights Olympics greatly admire the physical prowess of athletes! However, a true master of events also knows how to use charm and persuasion and *style* to make their way to the gold! Am I right, Morrie?

"La destra sul bersaglio, l'amico! Let me tell-a you something abouta myself! I am Morrie Mozzarella, Master of the Monstrous a pit! Whena I place my first brick anda mortar for the monster arena, all my friends, they said to me, 'Morrie Mozzarella! Why-a you make a monsterous pit whena everyone ina the whole world isa trying to escape froma the monsters?'"

"I tolda him, 'I'ma going to make this the il più grand'avvenimento del mondo! It will have-a drinks, beautiful women -- molto bella! -- And most of all, I do it witha *gusto*!' And witha that most charismatic dichiarazione, the King of Ascantha -- he agreed to finance the monstrous pit for a very low payback rate! Without charisma -- without *GUSTO*, the athlete, he is 'non niente'!"

Splendid declaration, Morrie! We're all becoming quite big fans of yours! So anyway folks, the great maestro of charisma has spoken! Let's all take his words to heart!

You're all holding your charm tickets! Don't give them to the first silver tongue you hear -- oh who am I kidding? Will the contestants come on down!

And they're off! Let's first focus on King Trode -- a fan favorite!

"Greetings, my people! I am King Trode, but you may call me 'his Royal Majesty of Trodain'! As you all know, I am a King! I am the only member of true royalty here! Well, OK, Jessica is an aristocrat of sorts, and the Hero is a Prince of Argonia, half Dragovian, my son-in-law, and heir apparent of Trodain, but I am the King! THE KING, I tell you! What? WHAT? Don't boo me! Marcello! Why are *you* here?!

"Come on, people! We don't need royalty! Royalty is born into their position and they're all weak and confused! The PEOPLE need to lead! No more kings! No more lord high priests! You need a strong man to lead!"

"Oh, do shut up, you ex-abbot buffoon! I thought that the first time you uttered that ridiculous poppycock that you were under the influence of Rhapthorne, but it appears to be all your design, indeed!"

"OK, so who here wants to give me, the King of Trodain, a charm ticket? YOU! You're a subject of Trodain! As your King, I *ORDER* you to give me that charm ticket! Give it to me now and you don't have to pay taxes for one year! There, see how easy that was? Thank you, my loyal subject!"

And King Trode has managed to score ONE ticket, folks, let's give him a round of applause!

OK, now let's see what Yangus is up to!

"COR BLIMEY, you geezers had better be giving me some tickets, or I'll go back to Pickham for a life of crime, I will! Oh fine, I wont do that ... but if you don't give me tickets, I will raise prices at the Important Exporter, and nobody wants to pay extra for sabercat children's toys, do they? Oh heck, you kids over there holding your parents tickets while they're at the refreshment stand, I'll trade you two sabercat toys for those tickets! That's it! Thanks, kids!"

Yangus, always the clever, ingenius businessman. Speaking of which, how is Red, his partner doing?

"And so then, I went into the sea cave underneath the bridge near Alexandria, and I bravely fought off monster after monster, and then I duelled Captain Crow, and after a few klangs of the sword, I ran the zombie captain through with my dagger!"

How about that, folks? She's captivating them with adventure stories! Oh, here comes Yangus!

"No you didn't, Red, that's all bloody wrong! Me and the guv'ner and Jessica and pretty boy Angelo left the old geezer and the horse princess in our boat, we opened the water trap, then after Captain Crow knocked your pretty face out, we all beat up Captain Crow until he gave up and we got 'is treasure!"

Red's face is turning -- well, red! with rage!

"YANGUS YOU STUPID IDIOT! I was going to share the medal with you! Why the bloody hell -- oh you've got me swearing now! -- did you have to come and ruin my story?!"

"Ruin it, nothing! I'm telling the truth, just like I promised the guv'ner I would when he saved me life!"

"We'll talk about this on the way home, Yangus. In the meantime, why don't you just go off and sulk somewhere and reflect on what I just told you!"

Trouble in paradise? Hopefully it's temporary! Let's move onto the Hero.

What is going on here? The hero is just standing on the sidelines in his Dragovian armor, smiling! He's not even saying a word! Folks, I heard he was a shy guy, but this just takes the cake, doesn't it? Most people don't even know he's here, but the few that do, are seeking him out, giving him their charm tickets!

Next, we have Angelo! The young female demographic is GETTING IN LINE, giving him their charm tickets in exchange for a short kiss! Some guys get all the luck!

But folks, as we all know, more young men go to athletic events than young women, so the line to see Jessica doing hustle dances and pink typhoons is forming a perimeter around the entire 'Charmed for You' arena! Nobody can resist Jessica's beauty!

OK folks, the hour is up, and here is the final tally!

King Trode: 3 tickets

Yangus: 3 tickets

Red: 8 tickets

The Hero: 14 tickets

Angelo: 23 tickets

Jessica: 55 tickets

The Hero wins the bronze medal, Angelo wins the silver medal, and Jessica wins the Gold medal! Let's give a big round of applause for our winners -- what a great day for "Charmed For You!"

Welcome to the climactic final event of Slime Knights Olympics! The final event shall be ... Sabercat Riding!

Six athletes shall ride their own sabercats together in a gruelling obstacle course that will take their riding skills and mettle to the test!

For the first segment of our event, our event judges, Felix, Morrie, and Tom, shall be examining the athletes' sabercats for appearance scores!

Our first examination shall be Cringer, the sabercat of Red! The spots are typical of the sabercat, but the coat ... is susprisingly rough to the touch. And ... oh Goddess when was the last time this sabercat had its teeth cleaned?

"You can't be serious! I'm not sticking my hand in the mouth of a sabercat. Besides, Dodgy Dave sold me this sabercat, it's all that bloke's fault!"

"Red, why did you have to go and buy from bloody Dodgy Dave? Chateau Felix was going to give us better if we gave them some nice supplies!"

"Yangus! Important Exporter's resources are for jewel acquisition, not for some silly contest!"

"Silly contest! Red, where do you come off -- ah nevermind nevermind ..."

Yangus is storming off, grumbling under his breath. Did he just say "don't argue with the women?" Sage advice, Yangus. Sage advice, indeed!

Next up, is King Trode's sabercat, "Thrakhath"! And it seems that the judges have taken quite a shine to him!

"Yes, that's right, my good judges, gather around! Note the spot on his side that looks distinctly like a crown! He's truly a royal sabercat!"

Most impressive!

Now we have Jessica's sabercat, "Tigris!" What a beautiful sabercat. Sort of like the rider -- prrrr! Errr, ahem ^_^

"I only give my Tigris the very best sabercat pellets and clean water!"

And how about that folks! It shows, doesn't it?

"Molto bella! Thisa sabercat -- she hasa the fur coat -- thata feels like-a soft-a angora!

More words of wisdom from our judge Morrie Mozzarella!

Our next contestant is Angelo's sabercat, "Cyrano"!

And wait! Cyrano is already here! Apparently he came early to the appearance arena just to meet Tigris!

"Heh heh heh! Let's just say that I taught him everything he knows!"

Judges, what say you?

"The coat is fairly soft, he actually reminds me of Baumren in many ways. Nice teeth, and decent musculature!"

Thank you for your assessment, Felix! Now we move onto Yangus' sabercat "Pouncer"!

"Aye, I've been taking care of him as well as I could. Some geezers taught me how to brush 'is teeth and keep 'is coat all nice and shiny! I hope the bloody judges see the effort there!"

"Not as impressive, as say, Jessica's 'Tigris', but a nice looking sabercat, sure!"

Thank you, Tom! And finally, last but most certainly not least, our Hero, and his sabercat "Hobbes"!

And what's this? The hero is tickling Hobbes' belly, and now he's reaching for a toothbrush and brushing Hobbes' teeth! What a show of bravery coupled with compassion, folks!

"This ragazzo, he and I, we go a-way back! When he was an unknown, I taught-a him everything-a I know about-a the monster teams! He beat-a Ragnar, he beat-a Torneko, he even beat-a Morrie! Me! His-a sabercat is what-a we call-a in-a the business-a 'Prima classe'! Longa sharpa fangsa, softa coata, and grande muscles!"

OK! This concludes our appearance segment, with the Hero and Jessica tied for first, Trode second, and Angelo in third!

Now we move onto the most exciting part of our show -- the obstacle course!

Everyone get to your places! On your mark!

Get set!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And they're off! But wait! Angelo's sabercat Cyrano is still at the starting gate! He just plopped down and buried his face in the dirt! What is going on here?

"I think Cyrano is in love with Tigris, but she completely broke his heart just a minute ago. Come on Cyrano! Chin up! There are plenty of eligible lady sabercats out there in the jungle! You can't give up now!"

Cyrano is getting up! And walking slowly, sadly toward Angelo's tent. What an unexpected turn of events, folks! But let's see how the others are doing!

The Hero's Hobbes is swiftly darting up the hill, with Jessica's Tigris closely behind, followed by King Trode's Thrakhath, and Red's Cringer taking the rear! Yangus' Pouncer is all the way behind. Huffing and puffing the whole way up hill!

"COR BLIMEY, Pouncer! Please get up the bloody hill! I need to win me a medal, or Red'll never let me hear the end of it! Come on! I'm not that heavy, am I?"

Goddess! Pouncer just collapsed, and is rolling down the hill with Yangus tumbling after! But don't worry, it seems that both sabercat and rider are not hurt!

Hobbes and Tigris are neck and neck, blazing down the hill at high speeds, with Thrakhath and Cringer constantly gaining the upper hand of one another. Next is the platform jump.

Hobbes negotiates the moving magical platforms effortlessly, and Tigris quickly learns the pattern. Thrakhath and Cringer also manage to escape with no problem!

Next is the scary part -- goodness gracious, great rings of fire!

Hobbes stops for one second, and makes a high jump! Folks, he is through the rings of fire!

Tigris makes her jump without missing a beat, and is also through, closely following Hobbes!

Thrakhath fearlessly jumps through the rings of fire, vying for supremacy in this race!

Next is Cringer. He rushes toward the rings of fire ... stops ... and ... he's stopped! Cringer is not moving an inch!

"Come on! Jump through the hoops! Everyone else did it, just fine! What's *your* problem! Oh cripes, I'm never buying *anything* from Dodgy Dave again!"

It seems that Cringer and Red are out of the race! We are down to three sabercats and riders!

Our next segment is the barrel rollers! This next part of the course is lined with hot stone. The only way the sabercats can get across is by treddling upon big barrels!

Hobbes, Thrakhath, and Tigris all leap onto their barrels, and are backpeddling madly to get through this part in record time! They're all impeccably balanced -- and they're all through!

Our final course is the Swamp Tredge! This is a slow, arduous, *messy* part of the race!

Hobbes dives into the swamp, and is paddling fast! Tigris jumps -- she's off to a slow start, but close behind! Now what of Thrakhath?

"Come on, Thrakhath! Jump into the swamp and win a gold medal for your King! You're royalty amongst the sabercats, are you not? Do you not want prestige and status, as well? Just jump into the swamp! I promise you I'll have my servants give you a nice warm bath back at Trodain castle! Your coat will be more beautiful than ever! PLEASE! THis is my last chance for a gold medal, Thrakhath!"

Thrakhath is just sniffing at the swamp and shaking his head in disgust. And is King Trode ... crying?! Surely I must be seeing things!

"Yes, you are, my nosey announcer friend! Go talk about the two sabercats in the lead and leave me alone!"

Sorry, your majesty! Anyway, the finish line is in sight ... and Hobbes is just paddling like mad! Tigris can't keep up! And our winner is -- HOBBES! How about that, folks? What a great day for Sabercat Riding!

Our gold medal goes to the Hero and Hobbes, our silver medal goes to Jessica and Tigris, and the bronze goes to King Trode and Thrakhath!

This concludes Slime Knight Olympics! See you in a few years!

Dragon Quest Mixology – a slimeknights.com quest

Medicinal Herb Elixer

*You pick up a book entitled ‘Herbal Concoctions, by Valdek, son of Marek‘*

Many think of herbs as a quick solution to injuries on the battlefield, or a cure to a sudden illness. It is of no surprise then, that the practice of regularly taking herbal tincture for health benefits, is not the most documented of the herbal disciplines, but I intend to change that! You aspiring heroes out there would do well to take your herbal elixirs daily. A healthy body, after all, can stand firm against many a monster. Standing firm against the monsters means more treasure and more quests.

Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s get started on a simple medicinal herb elixir, ideal for the daily tonification of the body. And did I mention it tastes good? Well, perhaps not as good as a blue slime daiquiri, but it doesn’t taste like medicine, either!

First, you boil some water. You could be at your campfire boiling water from the nearby river, or at your home, or even at the inn of the town you are staying at for the night. When the water is boiling, your herbs should be ready to get drenched. Which herbs? Good question!

Since this is a beginner’s look, let’s start with something simple. Add hot water to the container with ginseng in it, and let it sit for a while. You may want to add honey and/or jasmine for that extra potency and flavor effect. It’s not that difficult! As you get better, you can add what you see fit, but this is a simple combination for a steady increase in vitality. Take dutifully every day, and those king cureslimes will think twice!

Well folks, you probably already know what a huge Dragon Quest fan that I am. It is my absolute favorite original game series ever. I love this series so much in fact, that once I finished Dragon Quest VIII, I wanted more -- more -- MORE!

So since Dragon Quest IX isn't out yet, and we're not sure if Square Enix will bring a translated DQ5 to American PS2's yet, I was forced to make my own DQ9. Enjoy!

Dragon Quest IX: The Poet and the Prophecy

The world appears to be at peace. Towns, cities, and Kingdoms all over your continent worship the King Slime deity Abimana. Slimes are sacred, and nobody dares to lay arms on one (thus, not so many people getting to level 2!).

You are the Chief's son in the small, distant village of Yasuju. A mysterious old poet enters your village, madly singing praise of a Goddess. When the villagers claim to not know the Goddess, the old poet sadly replies that they have all forgotten their heritage. He swears to proclaim the true divinity in every town and village of the world, and departs from your village.

That night, you and your father the Chief have the same dream; the dream of the true deity of your world. The next day, Inquisitor Richard visits your village, asking the whereabouts of the old poet. Wearing a tabbard with the King Slime deity emblazoned on it, along with his saber sheathed at his side, The Inquisitor vows to find this poet, and to properly punish him for his apostacy.

The Chief, realizing that the old poet may indeed speak the truth, entrusts to you the task of finding this poet, learning more, and protecting him from the harm of The Inquisitor. It is a journey that will take you across multiple continents, via multiple modes of transportation where you will meet many companions and foes.

Are you ready for the truth?

Year of the Slime: A fanboy's fantasy marketing strategy

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Some of us are big fans of various series.

Most of my friends here were brought together through our mutual love of Star Wars through Star Wars Galaxies, for example. Star Wars is one of those epics that inspires many games and many gamers. But other series exist too. We have Warcraft, Ultima, the list goes on and on.

On the other side of the Pacific Ocean, we have computer games like Lineage, as well as Final Fantasy, and last, but most certaintly not least, Dragon Quest, the #1 game series of Japan.

Right now, I'm thinking quite a bit of this three-fold ocean. The ocean between multiplayer versus singleplayer, the ocean between PC gamers versus console gamers, the ocean where East Meets West.

I'm also thinking about Dragon Quest quite a bit. Not a bit surprising since I recently picked up "Dragon Quest 8: Journey of the Cursed King" and can't put it down.

Dragon Quest is a series so very amazing, that the Japanese government created a law forbidding the release date of Dragon Quest to be released on a school and work day.

And yet, up until recently, despite the respectable series name, doesn't carry the widespread pandemonium that it deserves here in the western world.

I'm a longtime gamer who remembers the first 4 Dragon Quest games being released by Enix on the Nintendo 8 bit console, over fifteen years ago. This is what made RPG's truly interesting. Between the gameplay and the storyline, nothing out there could compare.

It was a sad day for gaming when Enix decided not to translate the 5th and 6th games into English. But somehow, I managed to grab a hold of their respective Japanese versions, and with my limited Japanese knowledge, I had a good time with them.

I even stayed up very early on Saturday mornings to catch the short-lived Saban translation of the Dragon Quest anime series. Thirteen episodes aired. Eventually, I acquired the entire series on VCD.

Despite its relatively short appearances in the western world, unlike the more western known Final Fantasy, it serves as the primeval source of all GOOD RPG's.

Some may object to the comparison, citing the case of Apples vs. Oranges, but take one look at Dragon Quest VIII. The cell-renderings conjured by Dragonball Z legend Akira Toriyama. Then look at the USA's most popular MMORPG, World of Warcraft. Cell shaded perfection that looks as if it jumped out of anime, versus ape-like humanoids with long arms (by now, I've infuriated a whole bunch of WoW players, but please bear with me :P ).

So ... how is it that Warcraft is a household word in the USA, versus the Japanese born Dragon Quest? Why is Final Fantasy seemingly more well known in the states? In my humble opinion, it's a simple case of exposure. Such a case which can be easily reversed by bold, risk-taking initiatives involving investment of time and money into Dragon Quest series for the United States. Start small, end big.

This is a fantasy project for any gamer.

How many of you out there have ever loved a game so much, but for one reason or another, it was a "sleeper hit"? How many times have you obsessed over a game so much with other gaming friends, only to find them with a confused look on their face, complete with the dog head tilt?

This is where my fantasy marketing project begins. You've heard of fantasy football leagues. How about fantasy game publishing and design? Have I set the geek thermometer too high for you all? Hopefully not, because I'm not finished yet!

What if we wanted 2006 to become the Year of the Slime (slimes being those cute, newbish opponents to fight in the DQ series)?

Here's what I would do for the new year. My top ten list of marketing solutions -- resolutions -- are here!

# 10: Port Dragon Quest VIII to the PC

Everyone will inevitably point to less than stellar performance of Final Fantasy VII's PC port. Technical problems can be the bane of even the most well-known series, though.

I don't think any game existed in the history of PC-gaming that did well, was well-beloved, but worked on only a fraction of computers due to performance, compatibility, and glitch issues. Patches are good, but they're too little too late.

Release a decent port that works, and you've just roped yourself a new demographic; the PC market (plus I can go back in time, and save US$150 on a PS2 console, hah!). The game is truly that good.

# 9: Translate the PS2 Dragon Quest V remake into English

This is what all the Dragon Quest fans have been clamouring for since videos of the game were released on IGN. The game exists. It sold quite well in Japan. All that needs to be done is translate it, and put it on discs coded for the English speaking world.

It's guaranteed revenue that can be had, especially now that people have some level of awareness of DQ8. "Hm, this is another DQ game eh? I ought to pick this up, DQ8 rocked!" Some may be concerned with releasing a 5 after an 8, but I doubt it would be a concern to many. The Star Wars prequels after all, were numbered 1-3, versus the classical 4-6.

# 8: Make available the trinkets

This is something that Square was reluctant to do even with Final Fantasy despite widespread popularity in the USA. Well, it's simple. Two words; limited edition. A small risk can be taken by making these available in limited quantities. What am I talking about? Action figures, wall scrolls, plush slimes, etc. People love collecting these things. They can't get enough of ... material!

Fans are completists by nature, so such a venture would be win-win.

# 7: Advertise!

I saw a sample commercial for DQ8 via the DQ8 promotional site/gaming community slimeknights.com . Interesting, although I'd have shown some amazing cutscene footage, maybe a fight or two at epic angles. Word of mouth ultimately wins, but word of mouth alone equals sleeper hit, which doesn't guarantee the lifetime of series.

# 6: Remakes of all previous, pre-Playstation Dragon Quest games

Even with the DQ5 2004 graphics, this would be sight to behold for any RPG gamer. Let the gamers see the history of the series, and gain an attachment. Should the resolutions of 10-7 be successful, this resolution could potentially ride on previous resolution coat tails, like a surfer on a grand pipeline.

# 5: Release the Soundtracks in a grand collection

Again, augmenting the games with merchandise. Dragon Quest has, without a doubt, THE best original soundtrack of any game series out there in the world. Koichi Sugiyama could challenge John Williams, in my humble opinion. Interest would surely balloon even further if the soundtracks were available to the English world from places besides yesasia.com , etc.

# 4: Subbing and Dubbing every Dragon Quest animated series

The past few years has seen quite a few box collections. Animated series, old and new. Even anime is on the shelf in full force (although arguably not as prominent as other genres). With the success of Dragon Quest VIII, as well as the previous resolutions listed, interest in the anime would be quickly generated, and buyers would be many.

# 3: New Dragon Quest animated series

This is something that could start in Japan, and if done right, will be well received there, only one sub away from the English-speaking world. I'm surprised we haven't seen one in well over a decade, given DQ's success in Japan.

# 2: Dragon Quest Land

Does anybody here remember the Ultima series? Probably the best RPG series of the English speaking world? Of course you do! Do you remember when Ultima creator Richard Garriott was shown on television, showing off his amazing castle home in Austin, Texas? He also made quite the Halloween show for invited guests. This created some very nice exposure for Ultima as well, since he had actors playing various Ultima characters during the party.

Given the highly animated nature of Dragon Quest this would be a tough one, but heck, why not?

# 1: Dragon Quest Online

MMORPGs. The final Frontier.

Worldwide, MMORPG's are getting more and more exposure. Ultima Online brought them beyond graphically challenged MUD's, and World of Warcraft brought them to the mainstream, with shows from David Chapelle to Jeopardy! name dropping for WoW.

Final Fantasy XI has done alright in both worlds. And yet, my belief that DQ is the superior series tells me that a Dragon Quest Online would be the ultimate RPG. If done properly, it could even rival a blockbuster like the World of Warcraft.

Perhaps none of these will ever truly occur, or even be planned, but this is fantasy game marketing. You want another Halo for PC? Star Wars Galaxies without Sony Online Entertainment mucking things up? This is the internet, where the skies the limit on your fantasy planning.

But I'm stilling telling you all that a gaming world with a lot more Dragon Quest would own ;)