I knew this game would be horrible, but I didn't have an appropriate appreciation for the horror until recently. This is the actual plot to the game:

Dumbass Crusader goes to Acre, bangs a Saracen against his vows to his wife and kills Death, taking his weapon home with him. When he gets home, he finds his father and wife dead. His wife made a deal with the Devil: if he doesn't cheat on her, which he would never, ever do, he could come home safe; otherwise she becomes Satan's sex toy.

Dumbass Crusader watches shadow Satan take his wife away, he follows, falls into Hell. He meets the ghost of Virgil who is hellbent (literally and figuratively) to help Dumbass Crusader simply because his wife's ghost told him to.

Dumbass Crusader goes on the boat ride on Charon, who has a giant head that Dumbass Crusader chops off. Dumbass Crusader, with the (lack of) help of Virgil, goes through Limbo and kills King Minos by ripping his face in half with his own tongue.

After defeating Minos for no reason other than it looks cool, Dumbass Crusader walks into Lust, where a phallic tower protrudes from the ground at the behest of a giant naked empress demon. As he climbs the phallic tower, Dumbass Crusader has to face the giant naked demon empress and the evil demon babies that spurt from her nipples (if you think I'm kidding, I'm not). After setting her breasts on fire Dumbass Crusader climbs to the top of the phallic tower and faces giant naked empress demon and her boyfriend and their evil demon nipple babies and prostitutes with cobras spurting out of their crotches. Dumbass Crusader kills giant naked empress demon's boyfriend and giant naked empress demon becomes normal sized and tries to have sex with Dumbass Crusader, who stabs her to death.

Dumbass Crusader moves on into Gluttony, where a giant three-headed man-eating worm called Cerberus is fought and killed. Dumbass Crusader sees wife taken away by Satan again and goes through a mirror place.

Dumbass Crusader then goes through Greed, where he meets and kills his daddy.

Dumbass Crusader goes into wrath, where nothing interesting happens.

Dumbass Crusader then goes into Heresy, which is a big city full of flaming rooms.

Dumbass Crusader goes into Violence, which is unbelievably short until you get to Suicide where his dead mother has turned into a tree and tries to kill him for a minute before getting weepy.

Dumbass Crusader goes into Fraud, which is set up into stages (Hell apparently has arena battles). At the end of Fraud his wife sees a cross and goes to Heaven.

Dumbass Crusader finally gets into Treason, which is a quick walk over fragile ice and a fall into Lucifer's place.

Dumbass Crusader finds out that, in addition to sentencing his wife to eternal damnation, he also freed Satan, who he now needs to defeat. So he does. Then Satan opens up his stomach and Lil' Satan pops out, sporting his dingdong and making a speech about the end of goodness in the universe. Dumbass Crusader defeats Dingdong Satan. Dingdong Satan makes another speech about how much God sucks and how the universe will soon be his, then Dumbass Crusader pulls out a cross and uses thousands of souls to trap Satan back into the ice because that obviously could not have been done beforehand.

Dumbass Crusader then wakes up in Purgatory, completely naked, tears off his cross chest cloth and the cloth turns into a chuckling snake.

By the way, Dumbass Crusader was dead the whole time, making M. Night. Shymalan giggle with glee.