At least once a month, usually more, I get asked the same question. It always comes with an ignorant tone, like people can actually work hard to achieve any dream they have. Let's face it. Some dreams are not very likely. Like being president. I don't care how special your mommy told you that you are, you will not be president if you are reading this. Fact.

But still, I get the same question asked all the time. It's as though me being a programmer has given me some sort of divine perspective on how to achieve a goal that I don't even think I could ever obtain myself...and I've already put forth the base work. Without further ado:

"Derrr Ultimo, how can haz make video games???"

For those of you that are poor, diluted, sixteen, and misinformed, let me just be 100% honest: you will not be making video games in your lifetime. I have seen it a million times. Noobs at software development seem to buy into misguided fallacies.

Fallacy 1 - "I like video games, therefore I will enjoy writing software."

Answer 1 - False dumb ass! Surviving and becoming successful at software development takes a lot of math, logical reasoning skills, and self degradation. And seeing how you are asking this question in the first place and actually believe the fallacy listed above, you do not have the logical reasoning skills required. Please drop your cse major immediately and join the business college before you embarrass yourself.

Fallacy 2 - "If I get a cse major, I can make video games!"

Answer 2 - Really? If you believe that, then you and the rock I picked from the rubber underneath my shoe should really hang out, because you have about the same intelligence level. Every person that goes into cse (well, most) at one point or another has wet dreams about making games. You know how many will actually get to make them? Move along.

Fallacy 3 - "I am creative, therefore I should make video games."

Answer 3 - No. Just no. You aren't special. Put down the crayons and roughly sketched anime characters and start working on your blue collar skills. Only the very elite are able to actually design video games. They are in the same category as those that direct films.

Fallacy 4 - "If me and my buddies get around and start spouting off random ideas, and I buy a c++ book, then we will be able to start a company through hard knocks!"

Answer 4 - This one is the worst...and you would be surprised how many people do this. Wow, really, you had an idea did you? An online game that allows you to manipulate the world? Build your own cities? Thinking of a spikey haired blond kid that has serious compensation problems by wielding too big of a sword? You do? Give it up already. You, your friends, and your c++ book all have something in common, all of you will end up in a dark corner wasting away.

Am I a bit harsh and sarcastic? Of course. But honestly,that's how ridiculous the games industry question has become to me. It is so cliche at this point, I want to punt babies every time I hear it.

Oh, but I do apologize, you are reading through this actually hoping I would give the secret to becoming a game designer/developer/publisher/tester/fornicator. Well, skippy, it's your lucky day. For you, and you alone, I will give you the secret of becoming a game developer.

First, stop being lazy. 99% of the people that ask me about this have never gone to college. They get D's in school, and think they should have opportunities handed to them. You will never be anything that way. The thing is, developers are usually of the top of their classes. Game developers will be at the top of all developers. And even then, even among the most elite programmers, only the ones that are the hardest workers will get into the industry.

I mean seriously, do you even know what game developers go through? We aren't talking about 8-5 jobs here. We are talking, sleeping in your office, terrible BO, "WTF I gained 50 pounds last week" hard work. Sounds like fun huh? Worth all the hype isn't it?

If the stress doesn't give you serious medical problems, and you last long enough to become old and rigid, then perhaps you will have your chance to design games. Just stick with it! I mean, it's your life right? Who needs friends? Not the game developer!

Anywho, I am bored of ranting about this now. I hope you have all learned valuable lessons today. Until next time, good luck, have fun, and always wear protection.