[QUOTE="Uziel126"]QuondamEtherTwilight
Good title. :D
And look at us now?
Shadows of our former selves
Dim reflections in a frosted mirror
Dull memories of forgotten times.
Some may argue that mirror imagery is dull and cliché. I am not one of those people, and like these beginning stanza. I'm not quite sure how I like the first line being presented as a question, as it doesn't strike me as much of an inquiry.
Four years of hardship
Four years of toil
Four years of pain
For nothing, again.Uziel126
CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES.
I started to care about the feelings involved in the piece, but this line crippled it entirely for me. Try and steer clear of what I call the Linkin Park Syndrome*.
And remember us then?
Bright hopes and dreams.
Cheerful and carefree
Life lasted forever and more.Uziel126
I like the repetition of the "And [verb] us [time]?" It helps to link two timelines and juxtapose the feelings and emotions tied to each, in order to more fully capture the essence of what exactly was lost, and the hurt it caused. The rest though seems a little trite, and goes back, again, to the aforementioned Linkin Park Syndrome*.
See what we've lost?
What we can never reagain
That innocence, those times
Gone with yesterday's pastUziel126
More reflection on time, but still in a malaised sort of pining.
And look at them now?
The memories rush back
The bitterness recedes
We can smile once more.Uziel126
Again the repetition of the first line, but again with the LPS*.
Overall, it's an alright piece. It starts rather strongly, with a good (albeit not fresh) premise and solid imagery, but that is quickly quelled by becoming mired in a sea of angst. Again, so someone left someone else. Why should we, the audience, care about that? Surely we've felt the same at some point in our lives, and while it may be neat to see that we're not alone in that feeling, you're not taking those emotions and feelings and truly capturing them as your own. Moreover, due to the overall weakened and generic tone and flavor of the word choice makes for an overall weakened piece that makes the audience feel sorry for the narrator, though that is most likely only in the most fleeting of moments that passes, and goes entirely forgotten in a short amount of time.
While a lot of modern poetry - which includes modern lyricism, as it is something that I often reference, due to the prevelence of media in our society, it can be assumed that more people listen to "band" than read Plath or Orwell or Longsfellow - may focus on the "what," I require a lot more to be engaged. So you told us what happened and the surface of how it made you feel, but there isn't much more to it than that. Grab your audience's attention and engage them, make them not only know how you felt, but feel it and think it for themselves.
*Note: Linkin Park Syndrome is no laughing matter, and should be examined with the utmost care. If you or a thirteen year old you know is listening to Linkin Park and carving their lyrics into their arms with a razorblade, please seek professional help or a power-metal album immediately.
m/ DARK MOOR m/
I'm so depressed... I'm going to cut myself... WAAAAH! Lol, thanks for the criticism, however-- I really don't understand the Linkin Park syndrome. (Partly because I only listened to two of their songs >_>) I suppose you mean I'm being a little whiny in my poetry... But I'd rather be whiny in poetry than in real life. 0_0 Also, um, there is a reason why I always say we and not I. It was... instinct, I'm not sure how else to put it. I was actually feeling rather down when I wrote that, but I soon realized nearly everyone (i.e. all of my friends) were depressed in some form or another. It hit me that if I were to look back a few years, I'd see us all happy, laughing-- innocent and carefree. Of course I knew that this was an over-used theme, but that didn't make it any less true... Call it angst (someday I'll look that word up)if you wish, but-- just not LPS... It just sounds wrong... o_O
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