It's ******* HOT

I'm not going to bother with pictures – I can't ever get them to look right.

I live in Texas. It is HOT in Texas, especially during August. Typically, I can handle it, my encounters with this ungodly heat are limited to the brief moments between leaving a building and the sprint to my car where I immediately crank the a/c up to 11. I have grown up in a family that keeps the a/c on year 'round. We don't open windows in my family, nor do we bother with fans, we turn that thermostat down to 65 and leave it there, in the winter, it might get up to 70 – but usually not. Perhaps we are descended from Eskimos, I don't know – it's anyone's guess.

Now that you've a bit of context, let me tell you about the end of the world, and the hell that does indeed exist. Oh yes friends... there is a hell, and it was temporarily located in my condo. Last Monday I came home early from work, I did my dutiful adult responsibility thing and got groceries, something I can't STAND doing I might add, but I'll save that for an upcoming blog where I add to my list of things I wouldn't mind rolling up in a carpet and throwing over a bridge. It was, as you may have picked up on earlier, HOT outside. I dragged my 5 or 6 small bags of various edibles up to my door, opened it, and I was hit with the wall of refreshing frigid air that I have so come to love when I get home. After putting away my items and shaking my head at how alarmingly bare my kitchen still seemed regardless of my recent purchases, I decided to get dinner going. Nothing fancy, I just marinated a steak and chopped up some veggies for a little stir fry. I hit the living room and prepared to watch Judge Judy lay down the law. (There is NOTHING on TV at 5pm. I swear it's a conspiracy) Anyway, about 6:30 I started getting hungry and decided it was time to throw my delicious steak onto the grill so off I went. The kitchen filled with steam as the veggies hit the wok and I threw in some choice spices and a couple of peppers, the grill was generating it's own heat and it was HOT in that damn kitchen. You know that saying, "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" ? Well I did. Guess what? It was hot in the living room too. The living room has nothing in it that can generate heat, so this was quite perplexing. I held my hand up to the a/c vent… luke warm air. I ran to the a/c system hidden away in its own closet in a hallway, It was sounding a lot louder than usual – coupled with a sound that no household appliance should make unless you keep a rock grinder in your linen closet or a cement mixer in your pantry. I shut it off and hoped for the best, thinking it just needed to "rest" – I don't know why that made sense to me at the time, but it did. So I ate my dinner, and went to turn it back on. It came on, sounded normal and the air was cold again.. sort of. That what I convinced myself of anyhow, and it wasn't warm like before, so I was thinking PROBLEM SOLVED! I r SMRT! I closed the door and again went to handle the dishes - then came the odd noises and out came the warm air. My a/c was officially deceased.

I don't know if anyone here has ever had the distinct pleasure of dealing with this sort of situation, but there is a period of denial, followed by what I can only describe as irrational reasoning. My house was approaching 80 degrees, sped up by my stir frying and steak grilling earlier. It was too late to call anyone to come out and take a look, so I was stuck. I convinced myself I could handle it, took a shower and got ready for bed. When I got out, it didn't seem too bad. "I can do this!" I thought to myself – how foolish. As I got in bed kicking my blanket off knowing full well it wouldn't be needed – I started rationalizing that I could live like this for awhile, I don't NEED a/c! It's like camping! Who doesn't like camping? I love camping! I haven't camped in years! Yeah! Camping! Woo!

I *hate* camping. I'm not an outdoorsy kind of dude. I am not one with nature, and I have no desire to be. (Yet another topic for a later blog, obviously.)

I woke up very early the next morning, the air was thick and sticky.. pretty much like being in a tent in August. I wet a towel and chugged a lot of ice water, patting myself down trying to stay cool – I was sweating profusely at this point and realized that there was no way I'm going to be able to live like this. I am 100% "city boy" – you can call me sissified all you want, and I won't care because I'll be comfy. I called my office and left a message informing my boss that Satan was holding me prisoner in my own home and was not sure if and when I'd escape. I then set about researching different a/c repair companies, and got a rude awakening into the world of air conditioning repair and replacement.

Repair Guy: "Well I got up on the roof, the motor in your condenser unit is shot and it needs to be replaced."

Me: Umm… okay – let's do it. How much is that?

RG: "The motors for those things usually run around 6 or 7 hundred."

Me: Ouch. Very very ouch.. I guess go ahead and install it then. (I hope you accept bits of string as payment… said a voice in my head)

RG: "I'd be happy to do that for you, but there's another issue here, your condenser and, your whole a/c system is pretty old, they don't make these anymore, so it's kind of hard to track parts down. I doubt I could find one before next week – and I can't promise it won't be more.

Me: (You're about to sell me something, aren't you, you smarmy bastard?) So it's old – but it's fine right? It just needs a new motor.. thingy … and then I can have air?

RG: "No, no… look here"

It is at this point he takes me to my a/c in the hallway where it has been opened up. He points out leaks, and failing wiring that is well over a decade old and most likely a fire hazard, rotting insulation that has long since stopped doing its job and then, to make his point, he touches the cap of his pen to a metal pipe, melting it.

RG: "That pipe should be ice cold, it's where the freon runs through the system.

Me: (Great. I'm going to burn to death by heat or in literal flames.. here comes the sales pitch, I better sound like I know what I'm talking about so he doesn't try to screw me) Okay – so…. I just need a new motor for the condensifiermabob and a new, non-melty pipemojingy? That's it right? (Nailed it!)

RG: Sir – You really should look into getting a new air system.

Me: (****!!!!) How much does that cost? (I better hit him with my bargaining skills) I'm not paying more than 20 dollars. (AWW YEAH)

RG: Well, I can email you an official quote once I get back to my office where I've got a price sheet… but it's going to be in the range of $7500 or so.

Me: (brain hemorrhages….now) …… I'll give you 50.

RG: I'll just email you the quote.

Me: 18 dollars and a new pair of socks. Final offer.

RG: That's… that's not even… You know what? I'll just go ahead and get that email to you as soon as possible.

So more or less, that's how the first meeting went. By the end of Tuesday, I had wussed out and taken up residence at my parent's house who fortunately have spare bedrooms. Over the next two days I had 4 other companies come and look, they all had the consensus that my air conditioning does indeed need to be replaced, and that basically, spending anymoney on repairs would be a waste.The prices given to me went as high as $9600 which made me cry openly on the techs shoulder, leaving a little wet sad face stain on his sleeve. Ultimately I did find a company that DIDN'T jerk me around, the guy came in, didn't try to sell me on anything, gave me straight, no nonsense answers and came in a good 100 bucks cheaper than the lowest bid. He and his team came out Monday of this week, and I had a/c by Monday night. They even upgraded my thermostat for me from the old-timey dial, apparently not really used since the late 1800s to a fancy digital model that I had to spend an hour and a half reading instructions to figure it out, a direct violation of the man code, but it had to be done.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be turning 29 – I had party #1 last night, I'm sure tonight will be interesting as well. I've spent the majority of the day in recovery mode, I discovered that if I am intoxicated enough, I think I can dance like Usher. (Not even close) I'll have to curb any compulsions to do that ever again. Getting older has never bothered me like it does a lot of other people. I sort of enjoy it to be honest – a little older, a little wiser, you still make mistakes but you've attained the ability to actually learn from them, and possibly my favorite is watching the teens and the early 20-somethings do the same stupid crap I used to do, and laugh at how ridiculous it actually is. In gaming terms, I'd equate it to watching a newb struggle through an early level that you've mastered, and the sly grin you get reveling in that knowledge. You're still you, just an older, smarter version. There are those unfortunates out there that seem to go in reverse, that is, defying logic and somehow becoming less intelligent - and god knows I work with a lot of them. They apparently exist as an anamoly specifically put here to annoy me.Some people talk about getting old like any minute past 30, you will collapse into a wrinkly bag of dust and leftover Viagra… I've never understood that, why not just enjoy yourself? It's a waste of time not to, and complaining about it doesn't help anything. Make jokes about it if you have to, whatever helps you cope – you might actually laugh, and really, isn't that the point?