Do you know what sucks? I mean, really, really sucks?

Not having any superpowers, that's what.

Oh sure, I have *a* power... I can talk to fish, but honestly, it's hardly "super," and for that matter, how many of you out there have I saved using my telepathic link to seasnails? Show of hands?

I thought so.

Don't think I don't know that I am forever relegated to the punchline side of the Superfriends. I see your snarky comments on the internet, and the mocking references in the media. I can get OUT of the water you know. Even the cheapest motels have internet access. (I can't afford swanky caves like SOME superheroes... that prick)

I notice that pretty much everyone is getting a movie deal now. I was actually approached myself, but it was by that Uwe Boll guy - and even Aquaman has standards folks. Frankly I'm holding out for a part in Harry Potter. I love that fuzzy little wizard! I bet Batman won't ever be in a Harry Potter movie. Maybe Twilight, he's certainly moody enough to be a gay vampire.

It's not that I hate Batman, or that I'm bitter... I just, you know, wouldn't mind if he died more often. Seriously, that ****** has more money than he knows what to do with, having money basically IS his superpower! He uses it to build these ridiculous, completely impractical gadgets that Rube Goldberg would call complicated, swing around like some kind of emo bat-monkey, and then goes and broods on top of a building... a building he probably owns, yet he can't lend me twenty bucks to get a hot meal and wash my uniform at a Laundromat. Suck it, Bruce. You billionaire jackass.

Anyway, I was crashing at Robin's pad on Castro Street in San Francisco, which I generally don't like to do... he always finds some reason to touch me in some way, which is profoundly unsettling. I slept over 2 times before I realized he was lying about it being a one bedroom apartment and insisted we share his twin size bed. (He covered the door to the guest room with a full length mirror) You don't know horror until you've been spooned by a 93 pound man in a mask. On the bright side, he has a Playstation 3 which is fun to kill the time while he's off... doing whatever it is he does. (Don't ask, don't tell) On this occasion, I noticed he had a new game, this one is called "inFamous" - I wasn't sure what it was about to be honest, but the box looked neat, so I threw it in and, wow. Just wow. Like I didn't already have enough of a complex about my own lack of impressive powers, especially compared to everyone else and their mom... and dog. (Even Underdog is more impressive than I am, what is THAT all about??) Now there's a videogame character with awesome electro-sparky-magic shooting out of his ass. Are you guys TRYING to make me kill myself with this crap?

I have to admit though, this game is a lot of fun. Once I got past the fact that I now have that much more competition to overshadow me, I am in control of this digital bastage. As such, I took it upon myself to unleash the evil Aquaman like you've never seen (or cared about) before!

...........Except less dolphins and more mayhem.