How to succeed in the corporate world / a blog I wrote when I should have been working
*edited as it's previous incarnation was not kid friendly and was spaced poorly.*

Having subdued my baser instincts and not killed my aforementioned neighbors, due mostly to my inability to harness the power of mind bullets, (That's telekinesis, Kyle) I've directed my attentions back toDragon Age: Origins.

However – since I'm taking my sweet time playing that game because of all the free time I *don't* have – I've instead chosen to compile for you a few tips from my forthcoming book that's sure to be a bestseller (coming soon to a bookstore near you!)"How to slack off and still look really,reallysuper Busy!" although to be fair, in Europe and parts of Canada for no real reason, I've decided to give it a regional title of "Chameleon Slacker : America's Favorite Superhero"

Here I come to save the... ZZZzzzzz

#1)Coffee. You must never be without it. Like a towel in The Hitchhikers Guide, this is your go to defense and, in some extreme cases, offense. For it is an excellent weapon in a pinch. Caught wandering aimlessly? You're just going to get some coffee. Caught staring into space? The coffee was hot and you needed to wait for it to cool down. Need to get out of a meeting? Go make a fresh pot of coffee, which not only excuses you from at least the first part of the meeting, but also your co-workers will see you as a hero, and worship accordingly.

apply to face and flee!

#2)Doing actual work. Now I know what you're thinking… "Madness! That is the exact opposite of slacking! You've lost your mind! I've been scammed! I demand money back!" Hear me out, dear reader. I'm not saying do ALL your work – now THAT would be madness. No, this is your failsafe. A security net, and the backbone of looking super busy! By simply doing a fraction of your actual work, then leaving it on your screen or on your desk, you have now created the illusion of productivity. Tada! Using this in tandem with #1 will further enhance this method, at which point opening and closing various spreadsheets, and rearranging papers on your desk is all that is necessary to maintain this illusion. However it should be noted that it will begin to weaken after a period of time at which point is highly recommended to add a bit more completion to your work load for the day. You are still doing minimal amounts of labor, thus extending your leisure. Give a little, take a lot. Now yer 'Amur-cuhn!' **** yeah.

pictured: **** yeah.

#3)Internet Tabs. This one is a no brainer to anyone who makes any use of the internet in pretty much any form. Keep all your favorite sites open, with one business-y looking/related site, minimize on that tab – and presto! Gamespot, Gmail, and Facebook are incognito! As an aside, it's probably a good idea to keep a separate window open with ALL business related sites on each tab. Once again, this gives the illusion of productivity, and makes a great "screen saver" while you're up getting coffee. Again, the effect can be enhanced with spreadsheets and randomly rearranging various papers on your desk.

busy busy busy! ........where is that three of hearts!?

#4)Have strong opinions. Nothing says "I know exactly what is going on" like saying "I knowexactlywhat is going on!" Particularly when spoken with an air of implied authority. Also, if you happen to say this with a cup of coffee in your hand, you're on your way to a sweet promotion. (most likely) Naturally, you will probably not really know, or care, about what is going on. Fortunately, neither does anyone else. The key is being able to sell your opinion like you're channeling Billy Mays selling celebrities-turned-hookers on the cheap. In short, you have to be the best b.s. artist in the land. Whoever sells best gets taken the most seriously, which consequently will force lesser employees to shy away from you in fear. This makes your illusion of productivity all the more secure! Use caution with this tactic however, you may scare away the little fish, but it brings in the sharks. Managers will now have their eye on you, not because they see promise – but because they will through this veil of lies you've wrapped yourself in. How do you think they got to be managers? They will either embrace you as one of their own, or destroy you. However, DON'T PANIC (yet) you've still got good ol' coffee at your side. Guess who else likes coffee? Managers. They wander around endlessly with their silver mugs with the company logo emblazoned on the side, refill after refill, day after day. Time to roll out the big guns:

"I'm not opinionated, I'm just always RIGHT!"

(too soon?)

#5)Small talk. Best done over coffee, (naturally) getting these higher ups to talk about something they like, be it sports, or cars, or computers, or their cat, whatever… is like a free ticket to an hour or more of day dreaming time. Zoning out while someone drones on about their hobby is something humans are particularly adept at. We subconsciously go deaf and blind, and yet the brain retains all function and gives us the appearance of being completely enthralled with whatever is being said or done. This likely goes back to the caveman days when sitting around the fire while Zog tries to talk about his recent and unsuccessful wooly mammoth hunt using a series of grunts and fist pumps. Having dutifully listened, and thus thrown them off your trail of laziness and procrastination - you may now return to your desk where you may go back to #1.

Repeat this process until you own the company.