Can you say "Mister Rogers?" Sure - I knew you could.
Hi Neighbor!
It's so nice to meet you - I can't quite express how excited I am to have a new aquaintence in my life.I think you will love living in this little community, it's very quiet and peaceful. I know I enjoy coming home after a long day of work and settling into my favorite chair for some soothing relaxation. What's that? Oh you don't have a job? Well you certainly can't blame yourself, the economy is weak and you obviously had enough to purchase the condominium next to mine so - oh I see you used money from your recent divorce from your husband. Well neighbor I'm sorry to hear that, but from lemons comes lemonade, I'm sure after some time by yourself you will recover and come out strong--- Ah, thismust beyour.. son? Boyfriend. I see. Well neighbor, I'm glad that you were able to recover so quickly and I'm sure someone new will- You've been dating since before the divorce? Goodness me, neighbor... well - I don't know your situation, and your business is your own - I am not here to judge you, neighbor. I bid you a fine evening and a peaceful respite.
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Hi there Neighbor!
Haha, I must tell you there neighbor, you have quite the social life! I beg you to note that the palace walls are indeed thin. Your new sound system sounds fantastic though! I bet that set you back a hefty sum! It will probably take some time to pay that gadget off, eh? Oh - your alimony more than covers it I see. Well that must be great! Unfortunately, I, like so many others must work from early morning hours to the early evening. It's silly I know... living to work. How is your boyfriend? .........Which one? I wasn't aware there were multiple - I'm afraid I didn't catch his name as he brushed past us. He looked as if in his early 20's with fairly long black hair? Ah,is this your father? Your other boyfriend... You know what? perhaps it's best I stay away from this subject. Anyhow neighbor, I must be on my way - things to do you know. Have a pleasant evening!
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Greetings Neighbor,
Some weeks ago I informed you of the thin walls between our respective residences. I know you are enjoying your new home, and I hate to be the crotchetyoldman next door... although you are in your mid 40's and I am 28... I am begging you, please, neighbor - can we come to an agreement? Please just keep the noise to a minimum late at night during the week? Our own Home Owners Association actually has a noise ordinance posted at our mail center - there's lots of information there actually, neighbor. I suggest you take a look, there are maid services, dry cleaning services, things for sale, all sorts of community postings, just something to muse over when next you check your mail! I bid you goodnight, neighbor!
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Hello Neighbor,
Perhaps you noticed that while you were watching Transformers Revenge of the Fallen last night, I assume with your youthful boyfriend, unless your older benefactor is simply hard of hearing… that you had to keep adjusting your volume. You did?Haha, indeed - the reason for that is that you had already been watching your movie so loudly that I could hear it quite clearly myself, to the point that pictures were falling off of my wall. It was like I was there. I wished to return the favor by turning up MY sound system - which you probably noticed can go quite a bit louder than yours, I'm sure you're suprised to discover this but you wouldn't have ever known had I not tried to make the point that I. Can. HEAR. EVERYTHING. YOU. DO. Demonstrated by the fact that you too can hear everything I do, should I be careless enough to raise my voice to something more appropriate for a public sporting event, or my music to something more appropriate for an angst ridden teen that ran away from home and is now living in a shed in the woods behind his house. Pouting. Haha, but I digress. Farewell neighbor.
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Good evening Neighbor!
What a suprise I should run into you! How am I doing? Well, to be honest I'm quite tired - it seems to me that you did not quite take to heart the information imparted when last we spoke. In the months since you moved in, I have actually lost quite a bit of sleep, you see. Not all your fault of course - I am by nature a very light sleeper, so I am easily awoken by the sounds of explosions from action movies,or tremors caused by endless salsa music and large groups of people speaking very, very loudly in a futile attempt to speak over the music. What's that? Oh of course I'm not blaming you for my slipping work performance, how could I, a simple being, every accuse you, a cultured and finely aged debutanteof sucha faux pas. You, beingfar more sophisticated than I,are quite incapable of such an atrocity, ofthat I am sure. I am out of line, it must betheexhaustion.I pray you will forgive me in time.So long, neighbor… I go now to drown in my shame.
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Hi Neighbor,
What a suprise to hear from you! To what do I owe this monumental occasion? A security guard? I am shocked. SHOCKED, madam! Surelyyour constant noisehas not attracted the attentions of an onsite authority figure? *GASP* Do you mean to insinuate that *I*, a lowly being, having naught but a sophomoric grasp of language and a crude idea of proper manner would contact and send such a beast!? Well, I just don't know what to say. I am saddened and bewildered by your accusations, but I understand why you must think this way - for how could you bring such doom upon yourself simply by playing your music so loudly at the very reasonable hour of 4 in the morning. Alas, the best advice I can give is to perhaps curtail your listening and viewing habits to a quieter level that no one will know. I am sorry I cannot be of further help to you, but I wish you the best. I must be off to work now, for it is now seven in the morning. I trust you will enjoy the rest of your party without the looming presence of someone trying to sleep nearby. Good day to you, Neighbor.
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Why hello again, dear neighbor, what can I do for you this fine.... morning. At 3am? Policemen you say? HERE?Oh my! Why for have they come?Noisepollution? Disturbing the peace!?Surely not! Why as I told you when you moved in,this is a veryquiet and peaceful community!Do they mean to imply that this has changed since then!? I, kind neighbor,standaghast at these accusations. Oh I see,you again think it was I who called these ruffians to your door?Certainly you don't believe I could use a device as complicated as a phone?Haha!A phone! Indeed! Oh you wish to contact the owner of my condominium? He will not be pleased to be contacted at this hour, but I can see you will not budge on this point. Please allow me to write the number down for you.... There you are, dear neighbor. I do hope that this can be resolved to your liking. Icertainly do not wish you to think ill of me for disturbing your constant partying.In fact, I implore you - call this man post haste! For he isa man of high calibur and intelligence. He will not stand for this outrage that I have brought on you. I will stand here and take my punishment, even if it means I must leave this place that I have called my home for so long. The crushing depression should please you as you observe it's effect wash over me like a cold tide on a chilly winter eve.
*Seconds later....* Excuse me neighbor, my phone is ringing. It would be quite rude not to answer it at such an hour, for surely any matter that requires a phone call at 3am is a pressing one!
Hey b****, guess what? I ****ing own this place and I'm not going anywhere. You've played your crappy music LOUDLY almost every night for the last 4 months. I stayed quiet in the beginning, I politely informed you that it was disturbing me, I tried to reason with you, asking youto relegate your louderget togethers to the weekend -I pointed you to the neighborhood ordinances,andasked you once more after that.I even called security to try to get to you shut the **** up, and - while I *didn't* call the police, SOMEONE sure as hell did, so that means I'm not the only one you're pissing off. Oh, andanother thing, tell whichever boyfriend of yours that makes all the noise when you two are ****ing that he sounds ridiculous. Like a ghost from scooby doo or a cheap halloween sound effect cd. Finally, I have one last piece of advice: Shut up and **** OFF, neighbor. *click*
*doorslam*
blissful silence.