I guess, in a way, I got what I wanted: freedom from everything that has been bothering me, but now I'm suffering guilt towards the actions I chose to overcome them. I'm not saying I regret anything, but I do wish I had handled things more professionally.

I thought that simply not caring would numb my senses enough to at least get on with my life, but now I just can't enjoy life knowing that I hurt someone. I guess...well, I have one year to get my sh*t together and swallow some pride in the meantime and hope that if she does run into me, I can at least tell her my last words I've kept bottled up inside and finally be at peace.

You know, it's funny...all this time I've been angry at this woman, and now that she's left for deployment, I feel empty now. I guess all I can do is cling onto hope that one day she will be the one to forgive this time. Ironic, isn't it? All this time I've mentally prepared myself for the worst, and even though I tried to toughen myself up, I still can't handle my own emotions.

It doesn't matter if we will never be togther, I just don't want to live a life of eternal bitterness. How can I enjoy life if there's so many loose ends, so many questions unanswered...and at my hands, I've created my own downfall. I just want to get these words out to her somehow, and breathe a sigh of relief before I leave this place.