CHERISH YESTERDAY - LIVE TODAY - DREAM TOMORROW
Everything Means Nothing To Me
It is a generic and fruitless statement to make when someone says "I hope it will be better than the last one" as the new year quickly approaches. And yet I hope 2012 will be that year that out shines the rest. 2010 and 2011 to me, were not the greatest.
I sat there on my couch as 2011 slowly ended. Watching D!ck Clark rocking new years eve, sitting next to my mom, who was taking pictures of the television screen. I asked her why she was doing this. Her responce "so when I look back at these pictures, it will give me the feel that I was there". The whole neighborhood was dark, except for one house who were lighting off fireworks but that is besides us, as if it didn't really matter a new year was approaching. And so it seems.
I sat their filling with energy for some reason. The joy of the idea that 2011 is over just made me happy. And after it ended I went to bed like everyone else.
2011 was the year my life changed, for the worst and for the best. I learned that I finally was accepted into college. I was so thrilled, I got into the two places that I only applied to. Everything was set.
I, with no doubt, hated my high school experience. I cannot find the right words to describe my deep hatred. I felt as though that last year I was alone. I felt like I had nobody there for me. With out most doubt I blamed myself for my snarky attitude to everyone there.
I wanted to leave that place as soon as possible. Everyone, from teachers to realitives, told me I was going to miss that place. In all honestly I wouldnt care if the place burnt down (with nobody in it of course) to the gound.
My parents divorced in the winter of 2010. It wasn't that shocking, the biggest hint something was wrong when my dad skipped christmas with the family and went and visited his AA buddies. My aunt asked me if I thought they would be together for much longer. I told her three months top.
My dad ran off with his now ex girlfriend and got inked up with tattoos a biker would be jealous of. I suspect there was some layers of a midlife crisis in his eyes, as my mother had a complete and mental breakdown in our living room. My sister and my mom's friend did their best to cheer her up as I cooked food I found in the freezer. It was the superbowl weekend a distraction that was needed.
The winter olympics began in canada and I was sucked into the games. My mom was now going to therapy and it seemed like life was getting back to normal just dad-less. The phone rang and my mom burst into tears, my sister had tried to commit suicide. She had been taking from her school by cop cars to a near by hospital. I dragged my mom out of the drivers seat of her car and pushed her into the passengers side as I drove. Pissed off that this crap had to happen.
I sat in the waiting room of the hospital for five hours watching reruns on TBS. Listening and talking with people who were sitting there. One kid had been bitten by an animal outside and the other was bleeding. Once I was able to figure out how to change the channel figure skating was on. :roll:
My sister ended up going to therapy as well, 2010 continued on.
It was march of 2011. I had less then three months left of my high school career. It was my moms birthday and so she went out with friends. To come home at two in the morning, drunk. She climbed the stairs and made it to the top before she fell landing on her back and crying out in pain.
My mom had done this before, went out with friends, got drunk and came home. I waited up in case she wouldn't hurt herself. Thank god I did this. I ran out of my room and got my sister up to see my mom there on the floor. Crying out in pain, in her drunkeness she cried out for her father. Who had been dead for over a decade.
She cried out for us to leave her there as I called 911. It was a little after four in the morning when my sister and I got to the hospital. The waiting room was emptied and we werent allowed to go visit her. My mom's friend was the first show up, followed by my aunt and last was my father.
I can't explain from there how angry I was this had to happen. As my mom would say I am going to quit. She never stopped drinking. The other night I had to carry her to her bed.
My high school career finally ended and it was graduation. My former spanish and history teachers were the two people who ran the whole graduation ceremony. I liked both of them so the process was smoother. The lined up everyone by height, boys on one side and girls on the other. Then combined the two lines so it went boy/girl/boy/girl...etc. I got stuck between two girls that would'nt say a word to me, any attempt to create conversation failed right there in front of me.
My mom and my dad said they were going to be there for me that day. I walked out infront of everyone with the rest of my clas.s and sat down. I saw my mom and an empty chair next to her. My dad wasn't there. I thought maybe he didn't want to sit next to her and was somewhere else. I scanned the audience, no luck. I later found out, my dad never came.
I was incredibly angry with him, which still boils to this day. He couldn't be there on the day that mattered the most to me. He just couldn't be there for me.
I started college in the fall and made it my mission to be more outgoing and friendly. And it seems to working. I've made more friends and for once I feel as though I belong somewhere for once.
I hope that 2012 will be a good year. Filled with nothing that will bring me down, because I honestly don't want to go threw what I went threw again. Happy New Year :)
GOODNIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW